I woke up this morning filled with alarm. The good news: I woke up.. The bad news: alarmed. About what? EVERYTHING.
You name it, I was alarmed. Then I remembered (as if I ever forget) my blood pressure. Oops. Got to calm down. How ? Log onto social media. Oops. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea. Then I remembered that I was trying to get a good version of “my story” onto social media, and I needed to practice. The problem is that I don’t know which version to tell. There are lots of versions. After practicing for several minutes and trying out several versions, I decided that was not a good idea, either.
So, I decided to “think”. What is upsetting me so much? I need help. With what? EVERYTHING – I want somebody to help me with money, help with thinking, help with walking, help with seeing, help with planning, help with French, help with French voicemail messages, help with my questions, just someone out there willing to help me. ……. NO ONE. Where is Steve when I need him? He had my back !
Janet, no one is going to help you to do all of that. YOU HAVE TO HELP YOURSELF. WHAT???? Oops.
All it takes is money. Great Help can be bought, especially in Paris. Also, with the French Health system, you have to ask. But , but. WHAT?
You are stuck.
Now, are you mentally mature? I think so. Are you able to grasp the concept of a different perspective? I think so.
Are you really “stuck”? Yes. Different perspective: I am stuck in a lovely apartment in a safe location in a good section of Paris, France, in a building with a good concierge couple who fix whatever is broken in a timely fashion (for the French). AND, so far, I have stuck to my budget. And I have food to eat (sorta) and a little pocket change. And I am alive in a pandemic. I woke up this morning. Then, DONGGGGGG!!!
I remembered. This terror is a familiar feeling. This “I have to help myself” is a familiar feeling. This “I have no one to help me” is a familiar feeling. WHAT? My little girl.
You and your “little girl”. When are you going to love that “little girl”? Tell her to ask someone for help. WHAT?
As a very little girl, I was independent. Furiously independent. I wanted to handle EVERYTHING. I wanted to be consulted, NOT TOLD. And so, they did, along with granting my every wish. At least, Daddy did. He gave me most things I wanted – my own room, my own bathroom, a swimming pool, a one-meter diving board, a Steinway piano, a new FORD crown victoria for my birthday. Mother just hated me and punished me for my existence. She ordered me around a lot, and I usually did what she wanted. But, Daddy adored me. Oops. Did they create a monster? No.
So, that is the little girl that I am dealing with. Bold, feisty, and wonderful.
Meet Darrell !
Today is one of my fun anniversaries – 64 years ago. Darrell W. MacIntyre was the father of all my children. He died in 1986. I was so smitten and excited that day that I became Janet Jewell MacIntyre.
Also today is the day that I moved into this apartment. I moved in on August 17, 2020. The lease started August 1 but I took my time moving. I had been in Paris for almost seven months by then.
SO, I GUESS IT IS WHAT I DO NOW THAT COUNTS. Well, what do I do now with this new information? It is not new. JANET GOT HER WAY! SHE IS NOW, AND ONLY SHE, IS IN CHARGE. She now rules her universe. Oops. And she is living in Paris and not in good health. Oops.
BREAKING NEWS: I am not perfect. Never was. And I am in charge. Oops.
So, I don’t have answers. I have a lot of questions. LIke what? Like a gazillian questions, like –
How do I change my thinking?
Can I heal brain stokes?
How do I ask for help?
And, on a world stage, these questions that I borrowed from an article on Facebook, hit home: ” It strikes me that some of the same people currently expressing concern over the fate of Afghanistan’s women and girls work quite happily with Saudi Arabia, which has its own repressive government, and have voted against reauthorizing our own Violence Against Women Act. Some of the same people worrying about the slowness of our evacuation of our Afghan allies voted just last month against providing more visas for them, and others seemed to worry very little about our utter abandonment of our Kurdish allies when we withdrew from northern Syria in 2019″, along with a multitude of other matters. And those worrying about democracy in Afghanistan seem to be largely unconcerned about protecting voting rights here at home. OR, in stopping the spread of a disease that has already killed LOTS of people or politicians supporting that spread and that is, once again, raging, or accelerating climate change?
Bottom line – I see a lot of hypocrisy. It’s just today’s perspective. But I am researching mental maturity. So I can change my perspective/thinking and improve my health because I am in charge.
And that is just for starters.
I am not interested in controversy or hearing your thoughts on any of these questions. This is my universe, and JANET IS IN CHARGE. And, for now, I am researching mental maturity before I look for different perspectives. I don’t like the feeling of alarm. And, it you don’t like the questions I have asked, don’t read my blog. Sorry.
GOAL: I must practice loving myself with all of those imperfections!! My health requires a new way of thinking. Oops. I apologize for mistakes. My brain does its own thing .
Just practicing asking for help. Thanks in advance.