I am looking forward to my birthday and have lots of ideas for things to do next year.

Is my apartment a playground or a prison ?  

Both. I want a playground.

But most of all I am happy to be alive and living from day to day.  

I am sorry I downsized and unfriended people .  

For some reason, they no longer want to be my friend or whatever.


 I dont know.

I am tired of thinking about all of it. 

BUT I have made a decision. 

I am going to stay in Paris for good. My home is here now and I have a plan that requires Paris…

SO,  I need a playground in my apartment!  At least until I get ready to come out of it.  I’m not ready yet.

Just know that I don’t want to die yet ….

But I don’t have a choice 

But let’s pretend I do.  I choose not to die yet.

Why??? It is not so bad. And it’s easier …. Ugh….Living is hard….

Death is easy..,,,

Eight years ago a friend sent me this. Passing it along for some, just in case they need it. It spoke to me, when I needed it and again today when it poped up in my memory

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand still until, at length, she hangs like a speck

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,

hull and spar as she was when she left my side.

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me — not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices

ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

And that is dying…

Death comes in its own time, in its own way.

Death is as unique as the individual experiencing it.


But I want to live because I have a plan 

My Plan….I want to provide a Safe Haven for my people and family who need to feel safe in today’s chaotic world. I have named it Chez Clarissa and these are the details: 

(I dont know if this will work – mixing the currencies of two countries but I am going to try because I need to get started and I have people to help me with international currencies)

Two story townhouse on a tree lined street in a gated community in an excellent neighborhood in Paris with a full staff of eight or nine saleries

– care taking couple of family with child in studio upstairs and salary to be negotiated


– soo chef in studio off kitchen 



Personal Assistant 

Driver and Mercedes 

Couple on call for day trips 

Service fresh flowers delivery everywhere on 4 tables

Real wood real brass working fireplace Steinway piano 2 dogs Missy and Laurel and two cats Chipper and Tigger

Concierge  for booking 

Budget is estimated at $3 million dollars but I don’t know about the income stream after the initial purchase so that could change. 

So I need to be here and not there for now…., but I need help …

Bishop Steven Charleston ~ “I have a blessing for you: may the things in your life work. After a very long experience I believe the best that can happen is for things to simply work as they are supposed to. The phone, the car, the plumbing, the house. Your eyesight, your hearing, your hands, your body. It would be great if things would just work as they are supposed to, so we can get back to what life felt like before they stopped working.

It was in my brokenness

That I found healing

It was in my confusion

That I found clarity

It was in my discomfort

That I found ease

It was in my anger

That I found peace

It was in my dissatisfaction

That I found inspiration

It was in my pain

That I found contentment

It was in my sorrow

That I found joy

It was in my stress

That I found solace

It was in my loneliness

That I found comfort in my own presence

It was in my regret

That I found satisfaction

It was in my insecurity

That I found self-acceptance

It was in my weariness

That I found energy

It was in my boredom

That I found creativity

It was in my restriction

That I found empowerment

It was in my feelings of unworthiness

That I found confidence

And it was in my feelings of rejection

That I found self-love

And discovered

That true alchemy

Is not turning lead into gold

But creating something beautiful from pain:

Finding meaning in the tough times

And allowing them to shape you

Into someone better, wiser

Kinder, maturer and stronger.

Words by Tahlia Hunter 

Next time I will tell you what I have done to make my apartment a playground. 

 Best ,  Jay

Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.

2 thoughts on “MORE CHOICES ON MARCH 17, 2023

  1. I do so enjoy reading your words. You honesty is a breath of fresh air that always ends in second and third readings. The rawness of your words inspires me. My sister Linda Kay died two years ago, my son (forever 49) died last August, and my brother Ronnie died in November. I have faced both life and death and have take you words personally and to heart. Keep seeking truth in your plans and share them. You have touched me!

    Liked by 1 person

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