“I DON’T KNOW” Get a coffee or tea……

This is on my mind – A bunch of rambling. Thinking out loud. Even though I know more than I have ever known, I don’t know. I know that I live in Paris. I know that I WANTED to live in Paris for many years. I know that I am in a pandemic. I know I got one dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I know that I am in my “golden years”. I know that I don’t want to die. I know that I believe my children turned out to be very good people. I know that I have lived a turbulent life that seemed “normal”. I “like” my family. I am basically OK. And, on it goes…… BUT, I DON’T KNOW. What? I am uncomfortable. I feel a sadness. I know that there is more that I have to do. I have a higher purpose. I have always known that. What? I DON’T KNOW.

Like a caterpillar, it feels so uncomfortable, like a sadness because there’s more to life and then it transforms into a beautiful butterfly, it’s like us we feel such uncomfort because we know we have a higher purpose.” -Eckhart Tolle.

Well, all of this time alone in my apartment seems unending. I got my first Vaccine this week and was ecstatic for a few hours, but that passed.  And my thoughts take over. Long story short – I am too negative.  I am striving to think in affirmations, but I default to the negative.  I vacillate between wanting something and affirming my happiness.  Is that a learned pattern?  Maybe.  Can it be unlearned?  Maybe.  And all there ever is- is NOW.  Present time.  All there ever is.  Period. End of story.  No past or future except as memory or anticipation.  Just NOW.  THE ETERNAL NOW.

I know, I know. DUH!!! SO, what do I do with that information? Welllllll, ..I am giving a lot of thought to what and how I think about things and events and possibly to whom I want to keep in touch – in my mind and on social media – but, mainly in my mind. Social media is easy. I am one of the few who actually like Facebook. I don’t use Twitter so much. I also like Instagram.

I am a terrible communicator and don’t keep in touch with much of anyone. But I think about people and events. And things that happened and choices I made. Lots of memory. Maybe too much life review. I am trying to get a perspective to consider whether an event was real or in my imagination. My fantasy of what happened and who people really were. What really happened. I am finding that my mind plays or has played tricks on me. Either then or now. People I thought were one thing were another. Events that I thought were one thing were another. The signals were all there. I misinterpreted them.

Is this a normal occurrence? Is something trying to happen? What? I DON’T KNOW. But something. Am I a caterpillar – ready to become a butterfly? Right now feels uncomfortable, like a sadness. I thought that was grief over the loss of good health and youth. Or the pandemic. Or just, plain loneliness.

But, I believe that each one of us is on a spiritual journey, whether we like it or not. We are here to learn something. We all have an eternal part of ourselves that is who we truly are and connected to something bigger than ourselves – God/Love/All, such as the Collective Unconscious – It is more than “nature at work”.) Or is life just groups of “clean slates” in which to start over? I DON’T KNOW. A bunch of “flukes” in which we must find “pockets of joy”?

I am trying to learn to love (sometimes I have to try hard with some people). Loving does not come easily to me. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I choose to find as many things as I can to know them as best I can, believing that they are in my life for a reason. From their point of view. I choose to believe that life is NOT just a “fluke”.

OK. REBOOT: Right now, I am where I choose to be.  Paris. I worked hard to get here.  But, will I choose to stay here?  I DON’T KNOW. I will admit that I am being very judgmental about a lot of things.   Does that mean that I am too judgmental?  Maybe.  Maybe I am just making too many plans that will NOT be my choice to make. I just try to be “present” with others. Does anyone care? Oh, who cares? I DO! Am I already forgotten, for the most part? Already gone. But, I am not gone, and I CARE. And I enjoy writing this post. And searching for truth matters TO ME. And, maybe my words will reach another person. One is enough to make me feel that something I said mattered.

I choose to believe most people are trying to become better. I may not agree. Do I try to “change or fix” them?  Maybe. For the most part, I try to look to see how I can imagine them for who they truly are, a soul, a brother/sister, a parent, a child? What do I notice about them that “triggers” me or “pushes my buttons”. Do I have a similar part of my personality that I can work on and change about myself?

I am in the middle period.  I give myself permission to NOT-KNOW, for now, without any shame, judgment, or pressure to resolve the mysteries of the heart. It is a pure expression of life, in and of itself, exactly as it is. I embrace it.  Who knows what is around the corner?  I choose to believe in miracles. “Feeling comfortable within the discomfort”. It is a process, and an interesting one at that.  A couple of memes and some flowers. Thank you for listening.


Best, JAY



Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.


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