One day in Nice, a friend and I were having lunch.  I commented that I oftentimes have difficulty communicating with other people because most people don’t seem to “get” what I mean.  They think they do, but they don’t.  So, I just let things go and feel like I have been misunderstood.  She said to me that I was having difficulty because most people are “ducks”, and I cannot relate because I am not a “duck”.   Ewwwww, that did not sound so good.  So, I asked her what I was, she said she would have to think about it. 

That night, she emailed me that I was a “Black Swan”.  I said that sounded ominous.  Evil, thinking about “Swan Lake”.  What about a white swan? She said, “No.  A beautiful Black Swan.”  OK, I decided that maybe that meant I am “special”.  Right!  Everyone thinks he/she is special.  But, a “Black” swan?   How could a black swan be a good thing  and “special?  I did not argue and decided to go with it.  (This post is dedicated to my good friend Cynthia!!)Black_swan_jan09

Black Swan in Greens

At that point, I looked for pictures of black swans. I found some beautiful photographs, but they all were “subject to copyright”, so I looked it up on Wikipedia.  This says it is part of Free Media, so I hope it is.   A Beautiful Black Swan rising…….  Credit to the photographers – unknown.

The black swan is a large waterbird, a species of swan which breeds mainly in the southeast and southwest regions of Australia. Within Australia they are nomadic, with erratic migration patterns dependent upon climatic conditions. Black swans are large birds with mostly black plumage and red bills. Wikipedia

Frankly, I was so hoping that I would feel a great sense of relief and peace after I made this move- going back to the place it all started – 62 years ago. Oops.  Not happening, yet. It’s a brave thing I’ve done, and it will take time before I build a support system here, but I am strong and resourceful! I am trying to be patient with myself. But, if I had to analyze it in my own special Jungian way,  this is how it goes…….This is NOT to be taken literally. Strictly metaphorically, please!  Do you know Carl Jung?  Look him up!

This period of time is a period of traumatic change.  My entire lifestyle is changing – again! My life is expanding, and I am growing in width and depth. Dynamic people and events are meeting me head-on. I have new ideas. I am meeting new people. I have new thoughts; I have a new morality. I have new belief in God. And they are all hitting me so rapidly that I am stunned. My life is opening.  I am being called to show up.  I am being tested – career-wise, strength-wise, and now, in and outside of my home.  I am afraid; I feel weak; I feel it is too much all at once.  I cannot believe the things I hear myself saying, the people that I am talking to, and the places I find myself going.  I am on the brink of something and I don’t know what it is.  I feel apprehension of the unknown, the black void ahead of me.  I am trying to handle everything, and I am afraid that I won’t know how.  I am in the middle of what I have helped to set in motion, and I don’t know from whence comes my drive, my motivation.  I find it hard to believe that it is happening to me.  I hear deep sighs with a feeling of fantasy.  It is unreal, yet real.

Image:  I go down my well and see a torrent of water filled with rocks – big rocks. 

The Creeks at the Cabin

I get swept up in it.  I kick and scream and fight as it sweeps me along.  I fight until I have no strength left and finally lie battered on a small beach – exhausted.  All fight is gone from me.  Helen (my Spirit Guide, NOT Helen Mirren -haha) comes to me and says, “Come, Jay.  Everything is all right.  It is time to go to the next thing.”  I let her take me by the hand and lead me away.  I go without fighting – accepting the fact that I have to go. 


There is no need resisting. Image:  I am standing too close to a target while throwing balls into it.  It is rubber and the balls bounce past me to the right side and grow larger as they go out and away.  I keep throwing more balls.  It is as if the balls are going out on a mission and I am sending them out. Image:  I am pounding on a smooth rock with my fists, screaming NO as I pound down with vehemence.  As I pound, a beautiful city arises to my left.  The buildings glisten and are bright – a beautiful city – just to my left and not too far away.  I am amazed that it has arisen without my noticing and thinks that I cannot see the good things happening because of my own resistance.

Now, The Open Moment: I sense an easing of pain with moments of clarity; I have a feeling of worth. There is movement, growth, and dynamic action. All signals are on GO. Image:  I see a traffic signal and the light is green. Never have I had so much opportunity before me – knowledge, friends, talent, health, some money, love, compassion, and understanding.  The door is open.  Now, I must walk through. God is on my side.  I must let go and let God.  I feel an exciting apprehension. One cannot lose a 14-year life (with Steve) without a retch!  Have the courage and the faith to walk through this open door. Image:  I see an open door. I will put into my life art, plants, flowers, music, philosophy, friends, dance, beauty, children, love, and health.  My problems with my knees will solve themselves in time.  Dr. Boni said to make a decision:  decide not to decide at this time.  That in itself is a decision. As far as my body is concerned, I feel leaden, heavy and lifeless, wanting to sleep, not wanting to try, resisting, making small attempts, desiring to stop, to be still.  I fear that I will have no life force; I feel as if I have been drugged.  I feel bent with my head down and nauseated with my head up.  I am an ostrich – yet heavy like a turtle – stuck in mud.  I am resting on my solar plexus.  My conflict is whether to try to do the work of the moment or to sleep.  I feel something heavy on my chest, with clutched fists and movement in my pelvis and my back.  My limbs are refusing to move.  I feel small life beginning in my toes.  I am withdrawing, and absolved in pain and lifeless feeling.  I feel irritation at others’ vital movements – I want to sleep. I need a good kick in the pants to quit feeling sorry for myself.  There are young, cute, and aware people here.  Yet, I have an inability to snap out of my subconscious state.  My mind is spinning round and round. I am lost in images of the past.  I open my hands.  I let the old life pass out while closing out others. It is a funny world.


  This is my metaphysical “grip”.  I like it, anyway.  It And, this is how I find it all makes sense.  To me, anyway.  Hopefully, it makes sense to my readers.  By now, you all know that I operate on multiple levels, simultaneously.  And to anyone I have offended, feel free to stop reading my blog.  At least, I am not obsessing about the news and getting sick…  Don’t try to fix me. I am not broken.


So, here we go…….  and tossing aside all superstition. What did Jung say about superstition? Anyone know?

Black Swan

Best, Jay  Stay tuned…….





Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.

3 thoughts on “BLACK SWAN RISING…..

  1. Hello Jay, I read your blog with a little uneasiness. Do you think your condition could be stress from the move and you’re exhausted? Maybe a little depressed? What you’ve been through would make anybody tired and sleepy. You’ve had so many decisions to make alone.
    You didn’t ask advice, but as a professional, I suggest you need a good doctor check up and I wonder if you have diabetes or hypoglycemia that would contribute to your sleepiness and lack of energy.
    Try to relax and don’t overthink your situation because you can always change it if you don’t feel better after you rest. You’re trying to do too much at once.
    I’m sorry for butting into your business, but I care for your wellbeing.
    I think about my age, too and realize at most, I am at the end of my life. Don’t worry about using your cane, you need it fir self defense, if nothing else,
    I’m not one bit embarrassed about using my walker and go wherever I want to and care less what people think.
    I live alone and it’s hard. I get it !
    Feel free to delete this if I offended you in any way. That was not my intention. You’re not alone.
    My prayers and thoughts are with you. 🙏 💕


  2. Hi, Debby, I am definitely speaking metaphorically, not literally. But, I am concerned about lack of energy. But, I do need a good doctor and am still looking for one that works in the French system. I just got a blood test but I need a doctor to interpret it. I have an expensive Canadian one who works outside of the system. And, I definitely have a blood sugar problem. I have had that for years. Thanks for the suggestions. Sending love, Janet


  3. Just a thought, because I’m not sure if you’re speaking literally or metaphorically, but feeling like you want to sleep a lot and feeling leaden, heavy, lifeless and nauseated, heaviness on the chest, and even the anxiety, could be due to something physical. It could be a heart problem or something else physical. ( When I feel that way it’s usually because of a blood sugar problem or a need to have my thyroid medication adjusted.) I know that anxiety can cause all of those physical problems, too, but physical problems also can cause anxiety. Like I said, just a thought…


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