DECEMBER RAMBLINGS PLUS…..

Actually, I am not having a good day. I probably should not try to write today, but here goes anyway. So many things are swimming around in my head that I need to slow down.  And my head plays tricks on me, I am sorry to say. Sometimes it is clear as a bell. Others, not so much. Today is one of those “not-so-much” days. But, I have resolved to stay alive and “keep breathing”.

So, it is easy to stay inside and write. Plus, it is 39 degrees out there. However – soon – after Christmas – I must get out and exercise consistently – no matter the temperature. My life literally depends on it.

It has been 4 years since Steve died , and I spent my first Christmas without him. Alone. 2016. In Nice. Ugh.

I have heard that in the first year or two, the survivor of a good marriage either dies or resolves to go on. What? Die? No way! I chose to “go on”. But going on did not mean going on in the same way.  Hmmmmm.

There is a period of “redefinition.” Well, when I was still in Nice, I felt like I was leaping into a void as terrifying as death, “redefining.” In addition, I had a small stroke, or two. So, at age 82, I moved to Paris. Haha. I have decided to stick around, stay alive, and keep breathing IN PARIS. And now, I am trying to “heal’ as I redefine. In Paris. Don’t ask. I am trying not to “think” too much. Yet….. YOU WHAT?????????? YOU MOVED WHERE ????!! Hey, just go with it. And, I am NOT dispensable. QUITE THE CONTRARY. SO ARE YOU!!!

Anti-vaxxers? What???  We don’t even have a vaccine on the market, yet.  And blame?  I read and realize that a lot of people are thriving on creating confusion and throwing a flood of disinformation out there. So, I am resolving – sorta – to stop thinking.  I am standing on the sidelines. I am watching it all unfold and considering learning how to cook!! 

Someone said, “Sometimes, you have to make peace with the fact that you are the villain in someone else’s story even if you thought you were doing the right thing at the time.   You don’t get to narrate their experience.”  POW!  Bingo! I am making peace that I am the villain in a LOT of my family’s story. And, I don’t get to narrate their experience. So,………

MEANWHILE,…….. I watch too much news. On the news, I see graphs showing spikes everywhere and deaths in the WORLD. OK, mainly the USA, but they are largely unheeded. That makes me very happy that I live in France. I get regularly warnings from the French government and instructions of what to do, in case…… So, I have taken extra precautions because I don’t want to die. I am in “keep-breathing” mode. And, then I read and hear about unrelenting death dismissed as a hoax or discounted as a flu. What?????? Conspiracies. The truth is everywhere but disbelief takes over.

BREAKING NEWS – Hey, calling a disease a “conspiracy” and calling an election unfair does not make it so. Attorney MACINTOSH here: Charges require specific allegations and then proof. As a plaintiff’s attorney, you can take my word for it. We have neither here. Voters, not lawyers, choose the President. Ballots, not briefs, decide elections.

I am glad that vaccines are coming. I am glad. YES, I want it (when my turn as a “senior” comes). I have no problem with any of it! What is the big deal? I am glad that restaurants will open again, and I will feel like walking and travelling and socializing and dining out. I don’t care that I will limp inside or walk with a cane. I am in “keep-breathing” mode. And, when I think about being blamed for doing things I did in my past, I want to stick around anyway, stay alive, and keep breathing. According to Pope Francis, “This is a moment to dream big, to rethink our priorities — what we value, what we want, what we seek — and to commit to act in our daily life on what we have dreamed of.”–

For the record, this happened in 1918. My parents were 16. So, get a grip! Probably a LOT of yours (parents) were young, too. AND there was a World War I going on at the same time. This gives you something to think about.

SO, Here I am – in Paris, broken (sorta), but breathing. Happy to see the sky outside my window (I could not see the sky in my Nice apartment or in the Studio in Paris 6e.)

And, I am reminded of one of my favorite songs from “PiPPIN” – “Corner in the Sky”. Here are the lyrics (with some edits from me)

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I’ll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
I want to feel I fit in anywhere I go.

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I’ve got to be where my spirit can run free

Have I found my corner of the sky?

Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don’t you see I want my life to be
Something more than long….

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I’ve got to be where my spirit can run free. Have I found my corner of the sky?

So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won’t rest until I know I’ll have it all
So don’t ask where I’m going
Just listen when I’m gone
And far away you’ll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I’ve got to be where my spirit can run free

Have I found my corner of the sky?

Best, Jay

“JAY IN PARIS”

Be a PARIS sponsor and sponsor JAYSPEAK. Thanks very much for your help with this adventure of a senior citizen. (Ouch)

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Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.

One thought on “DECEMBER RAMBLINGS PLUS…..

  1. You said:

    Charges require specific allegations and then proof. As a plaintiff’s attorney, you can take my word on it. We have neither here. Voters, not lawyers, choose the President. Ballots, not briefs, decide elections I, too, do not watch much news, but I have been watching the hearings – that’s the only place I can actually hear evidence and see/determine credibility, as well as see actual documents and the videotapes.

    the hearings are very interesting. can you even get them?

    the news/newspapers – no matter which you hear, see, or read – are worthless. the actual trials are everything. best,sheree

    Like

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