What is on my mind? I need to rant! Pardon me while I rant! I have had a lot of things happen since my last post, so I don’t know where to begin. And most of it, I don’t want to share with you. Just know that I don’t have any hidden agenda. I NEED ONE. This is my hidden agenda with this post! Selling my book “Janet Tallulah”? Why not? It’s my real reason for this rant. NOT. It is just a personal journal that needs a plot. Oops. I have/had been accused of having a “hidden agenda” all my life. I wrote that journal to let people know how I had helped myself on my personal journey. When I left town in 1968, I was a strong-woman-mess with lots of dreams. They were talking of giving me “shock treatments” to make me fly right. That is what they were doing to Daddy. (Long story.) A strong woman. Heaven help us from strong women. This is not new news. In acting class, it is called “subtext”. “Knocking little Janet Jewell off of her pedestal.”
What is really going on? Was I born being a “showoff?” Did I have a hidden agenda at birth? It is one of the ABCs of good acting. – The line may be “Shut the door”. But it is the actor’s job to find out why the character needs to shut the door. So, in life, I would make decisions and choices based on the subtext or What is Really Going on.” It came naturally to me. And, It was particularly useful when I was interviewing a potential client as an attorney. And I would listen to the client’s story to find out what was really going on. Most of the time, a client tried to justify what a good person he/she was. That is when I knew “he woulda if he coulda, but he couldn’t get away with it.
I considered it a skill. And acting class honed it and make it better and better. You may call It “intuition”. It has lots of names. But I do it and will continue to do it from now on. My intuition is my friend in Paris. Always at my side. Like my “guardian angel”.
I am taking all of the comments personally. That is what we southerners do. “Bless my heart.” And I remember why I left in the first place – TO GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN! But so be it. Sorry.
Do you ever wonder why people don’t understand? Do you ever feel always misunderstood? Maybe I am dreaming to think people should understand why I see something a certain way, but they don’t. Well, I released all of that by calling my concerns “unresolved matters”. Most things will never be resolved. And, a lot of it just isn’t true. People don’t want to know the truth. They want to make up their own facts.
I hate being blamed for things that are not true. Goodness knows that I did a lot of things that were true. And, I deserve a lot of blame. But, that old saying comes to mine, “She Woulda if she coulda but she couldn’t.” Maybe they are not true because I couldn’t do it or I could not get away with it for some reason. So, the premise is correct. I was #1. I had lots of ego. I wanted it ALL. I lined my pockets with everything i could and I used people to help me get what i wanted. So? “I always thought of myself first”, said he who was thinking of himself first. Haha. DUH! YES, I am a survivor and I raised children who are survivors. DUH. ….and they are surviving the best way they can. You don’t have to agree.
And the consequences of that with family and friends is being accused of surviving. Any way I could/can. Not in the style I want but getting to the other side. But, I never lied to do it. It did not matter. I was accused of it anyway. WELLLLLLL. She woulda if she coulda but she couldn’t. Didn’t you see Glenn Close in “DAMAGES” A strong woman.
No one likes a strong woman. DUH. Where do you think they got “glass ceiling”. “Good girls don’t get ahead, gutsy girls do.”
NO, my friend. Janet Jewell may have been taken down off her pedestal but the money, GLAM, and fame will NOT die with her. Quite the contrary. It will continue as long as there is a strong woman alive to go after what she wants and Jesse Jewell is remembered for helping Southerners eat. Mary Tallulah Dickson is alive and well and kicking in the collective unconscious. And so is Lillie Westmoreland Dorough. If you don’t follow the blog, this will make no sense and maybe only to me and a few others, but hopefully you can identify with some of it. Thanks for letting me rant.
It is work to talk to people. It requires too many words. And, then people don’t get it. They think they do. Or they don’t listen or want to know all the facts. And jump to conclusions that are wrong and designed to hurt. And spout some platitude while doing the very thing they accused you of . or something else. I had a client who kept his wife in a room like a prisoner and was an “upstanding Christian”, praising the good deeds of others on LinkedIn.
I am not having a good day, and I may or may not take a leave of absence from my blog, but I need time to think and get a better handle on things. LIfe in France and in Paris as well as the Cote d’Azur is/was no piece of cake. Everything is a challenge and keeps you on your toes. But, we no longer have to wear a mask outdoors. Good. I can take deep breaths again. And, I am seeing Paris with new eyes. I like it.
The bottom line is that I have had an AHA moment in my life that is major. I need some time to process things. Things will never be the same again. I woke up from a deep sleep. And there is no turning back. Be careful what you say. It will be heard through a malformed sieve. A rant is not in order. Thanks for listening.
Best, Jay
JAYSPEAK 