JAYSPEAK

“Accountable for your conduct.”  That Is on my mind.  What does that mean? To Me? Have I been accountable for my conduct at this late date when it is too late to change? OK, let’s review for a moment. I am from Georgia, having lived most of my life in Los Angeles, California. I now live in Paris, France. I am in the golden years of my life.  And looking out my window on the lower half of the 16ème arrondissement of Paris.  According to my information, it is called “AUTEUIL NORD”. 

I retained a new French accountant this week, and he told me that this area was originally a small village outside of Paris.  It became part of Paris during (my mind tuned out here) and is now part of the city.  (mind tuned back in).  Yet, it still feels like a little village with lots of residential areas. Upscale.  YES.  My mind liked all I was hearing. 

I don’t plan to move for a while, especially when there is no where I can go. Haha.  LOCKDOWN!!  THEN I noted that I can ask him at another time to fill in the facts.  AND, I hoped that that “upscale” would not affect my Retainer fee. Haha.

OK. And, now that I am in Paris (where I have always wanted to be), retired from the law, active in the entertainment industry, and in my “golden years”, my entire life is on review. Haha. Opps. “Have I been accountable for my conduct?” Hmmmmmmmm. I have spent my entire life blaming myself for everything BAD that has happened to me or my children or my significant other (????) or his children (??) and I am now having a lot of bad dreams. Well, I have thought and thought and thought. And, this is what has come to me (at this moment in time).

I always told my factual truth. Even when I knew it would get me in trouble then or later. And when it would get me in trouble, I would blame myself for the repercussions. Right? WRONG! I did what I needed to do. I told the truth. They just did not like it or believe me or agree or……. Now, I could have kept my mouth shut. Or lied. Or Made Nice. Who? Me? Not have an opinion? Lie? Make nice? Never going to happen.

For some inexplicable reason, I can breathe again. I am sure I will be jogging by spring.

Duh, you say. NO. THIS IS A BIGGIE!!!! FOR ME!! I miss friends and family of yesteryear, but I said or did things that they did not like or agree with or (if they are still alive)……, and here I am. I am so happy, I will post some pretty photographs and funny memes and cartoons. Each one will be my version on some truth. And you may not like it. Who cares at this late date. At least, if no one remembers me, they might remember something I say. Or said. Good and bad. Haha. YES, I was accountable for my actions. I don’t take any of it back.

And, now to sleep, and maybe to dream…….

Best and From Paris with Love, Jay

Don McLean wrote “Vincent,” also known as “Starry, Starry Night,” in the fall of 1970 about Vincent van Gogh, who never sold a painting while he lived. His brother supported him, even after Vincent lost his mind.Van Gogh painted “Starry Night” during one of the most difficult periods of his life, while he was locked up in an asylum at Saint Remy. He had to paint the scene from memory,“Vincent” was a bigger international hit than “American Pie”. In 1972, it reached number 1 in the UK and number 12 in the USA.Whoever has made this video deserves both recognition and gratitude for selecting Vincent’s paintings that is so perfectly match by Don McLean’s lyrics that pay tribute to his genius!  – AUTHOR UNKNOWN

From PARIS with love,

Best, Jay

ON MY MIND: This week, I read that people did not live in the same worlds.  Ever.  DUH!!!! But an 80 + year old woman or man does not live in the same world as a 30, 40, 50-year-old person.  Then, I remembered my days in Law School.  I knew that I had to think in a way that my classmates (who were younger) were thinking because most of my clients and business associates would be young and excited and motivated!!  And I wanted to be a successful lawyer. And, I was!

Then, I thought about my readers on Jayspeak.  And … Paris. I have things that I want to say, and I want people to want to read what I have to say. No one wants to know how to be a successful 80-year-old. OK, I do. And, maybe some others do. BUT, most of us want to be the age we feel in our heads (all ages). We all need to think in a way that is excited and motivated.

Hmmmmmm.

Then I pondered “thinking positively” about things – being young, excited, and motivated. There is so much negativity. What is realistic? Oh, who cares!  I don’t need to be realistic. I like looking for a pony in all of this shit.  I like a glass half full of water that is now a commodity!  HaHa.   Practice…..

In 2020, I moved to Paris!  MY Paradise!  It doesn’t have to be anyone else’s Paradise.  Then, I read in 2020, the following things happened (posted by another positive thinker on Facebook)……..

• The ozone hole over Antarctica closed
• Germany is changing 62 military bases into nature reserves 
• Whales came back to the Atlantic Ocean after more than 100 years (I don’t know about the dolphins)
• Great Britain reported the smallest number of people that became infected by HIV in history
• China, as the biggest air polluter in the world, committed to achieving zero emissions by 2060 (I was in Beijing.  It was terrible)
• The number of victims of terrorism decreased for the 5^th year in a row
• In 2020, people saved 48 animal species from extinction
• Scientist discovered 20 new plant and animal species; they also rediscovered some they thought were extinct
• Kazakhstan became the 88^th nation that committed to abolish the death penalty
• The elephant population in Kenya doubled
• Saudi Arabia and Palestine banned child marriages
• Demand for oil decreased for the first time in history and Denmark promised to end its mining.
• Scotland will provide menstrual aids to all women for free
• In Africa, polio has been completely eradicated.  THEY OWE IT THE VACCINE
• Vaccine against Covid-19 became the fastest developed vaccine in history. (Oops – is that good or bad?) 

Now, I am not superstitious, BUT if I were, I would be knocking on wood, 17 or 18 x3 times.  Anyway, that is good news if you need it. And…. maybe it is stretching a point here and there…. But you get the picture….

Meanwhile…. back in Paris and thinking young….  

Well, I need to get color back on my hair.  That make me think younger Haha.  And this cane doesn’t help.  So, while I think about a young approach to Jayspeak, I will post fun pictures and some memes that I like….

Meet LUCY! She is a place saver for my next cat while I think..Handmade in Germany. Designer Kitty until I get my next rescue.

NO COMMENT!

TRYING TO EAT HEALTHY. ACTUALLY, I LIKE HEALTHY FOOD….

NO COMMENT.

Well, I am still working on it. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, I am staying put in my own Paris, the PARADISE of my own making….and, the pony is in the mail…..along with the check……

Best, Jay (only past pictures until I get that energy to do hair and makeup for the pharmacie and the grocery store. Soon. Not today, not tomorrow, but soon. )

WOW! OH WOW!  I am so happy that I can say that I am proud to be an American!  I have missed that part of me.  Welcome back!  I am beside myself with joy.  Let the healing begin!   I did not realize how emotionally involved I was in the last four years.  I was grieving.    I was grieving at the same time the loss of Steve.    And the loss of Missy.  AND I was grieving for the loss of my country.

In 2017, I predicted what would happen.  But it was worse. Friends told me, “Just give him a chance to prove himself.”  I did not need to give him a chance.  I KNEW what he would do.  America was just one more thing to possess.  And I was filled with hate.  I became the very thing I hated.  And, then I began to grieve for the loss of ME. My “friends”.  And my Country.   Where was that resilience that had gotten me through devastating circumstances?  Was it gone forever? Giving up?  I always said, “Giving up is unforgivable!”  “Rough Seas Make Good Sailors”.  “Always work to be better”.  Where was Daddy when I needed him? 

And, then I read this.  There will always be light.

The Laughing Heart – by Charles Bukowski
your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.

Historian Heather Cox Richardson wrote on January 18, 2021, the following words, “But there is a big difference in this world between having and doing.

America has never fully embodied equality, liberty, and justice. What it has always had was a dream of justice and equality before the law. The 1776 Report authors are right to note that was an astonishing dream in 1776, and it made this country a beacon of radical hope. It was enough to inspire people from all walks of life to try to make that dream a reality. They didn’t have an ideal America; they worked to make one.

The hard work of doing is rarely the stuff of heroic biographies of leading men. It is the story of ordinary Americans who were finally pushed far enough that they put themselves on the line for this nation’s principles.

It is the story, for example, of abolitionist newspaperman Elijah P. Lovejoy, murdered by a pro-slavery mob in 1837, and the U.S. soldiers who twenty-four years later fought to protect the government against a pro-slavery insurrection designed to destroy it. It is the story of Lakota leader Red Cloud, who negotiated with hostile government leaders on behalf of his people, and of his contemporary Booker T. Washington, who tried to find a way for Black people to rise in the heart of the South in a time of widespread lynching. It is the story of Nebraska politician William Jennings Bryan, who gave voice to suffering farmers and workers in the 1890s, and of Frances Perkins, who carried his ideas forward as FDR’s Secretary of Labor and brought us Social Security. It is the story of the American G.I.s, from all races, ethnicities, genders, and walks of life who fought in WWII. It is the story of labor organizer Dolores Huerta, co-founder of the National Farmworkers Association, and Fannie Lou Hamer, who faced down men bent on murdering her and became an advocate for Black voting. It is the story of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who 60 years ago this week warned us against the “military-industrial complex.”

And it is, of course, the story of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., whose life we celebrate today. King challenged white politicians to take on poverty as well as racism to make the promise of America come true for all of us. “Some forty million of our brothers and sisters are poverty stricken, unable to gain the basic necessities of life,” he reminded white leaders in May 1967. “And so often we allow them to become invisible because our society’s so affluent that we don’t see the poor. Some of them are Mexican Americans. Some of them are Indians. Some are Puerto Ricans. Some are Appalachian whites. The vast majority are Negroes in proportion to their size in the population…. Now there is nothing new about poverty. It’s been with us for years and centuries. What is new at this point though, is that we now have the resources, we now have the skills, we now have the techniques to get rid of poverty. And the question is whether our nation has the will….” Just eleven months later, a white supremacist murdered Dr. King.

These people did not have a perfect nation, they worked to build one. They embraced America so fully they tried to bring its principles to life, sometimes at the cost of their own. Rather than simply trying to own America, the doers put skin in the game.

Today, the Trump administration issued the 1776 Report that presented the United States of America as a prize to be possessed. And yet, the country is demonstrably still in the process of being created: tonight, there are 15,000 soldiers in the cold in Washington, D.C., defending the seat of our government against insurgents.”

And, then it rounded a bend.  It turned around.  We came through.  The people were the people I always thought we were!!!  WE DID IT!  Inauguration day– with all of its pomp and circumstance was spiritual medicine for me.  The “unending shade” turned to light.  I could breathe again. 

The hope that was filling my soul was a young girl named Amanda.  I will continue to live past these 80-some-odd years.  In the youth of tomorrow.  In Tyler.  In Jamie.  In Mark.  In Katherine.  In Julia.  In Amanda.  In Greta.  They are American treasures. “Amanda Gorman is an American treasure. We should raise her up, cherish, celebrate and protect her. That kind of vision, spoken so eloquently is rarely seen in one decades older. Generations will be blessed with her insights  – Marta Waller (my friend). ENJOY!

“The Hill We Climb.

“When day comes we ask ourselves, ‘where can we find light in this never-ending shade, the loss we carry, a sea we must wade?

“We’ve braved the belly of the beast, we’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace. And the norms and notions of what just is isn’t always justice. And yet the dawn is ours before we knew it, somehow we do it. Somehow we’ve weathered and witnessed a nation that isn’t broken, but simply unfinished.

“We, the successors of a country and a time where a skinny Black girl descended from slaves and raised by a single mother can dream of becoming president only to find herself reciting for one.

“And yes, we are far from polished, far from pristine, but that doesn’t mean we are striving to form a union that is perfect. We are striving to forge our union with purpose. To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and conditions of man.

“And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us, but what stands before us. We close the divide, because we know to put our future first, we must first put our differences aside. We lay down our arms so we can reach out our arms to one another. We seek harm to none and harmony for all.

“Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true: that even as we grieved, we grew; that even as we hurt, we hoped; that even as we tired, we tried; that we’ll forever be tied together victorious, not because we will never again know defeat but because we will never again sow division.

“Scripture tells us to envision that ‘everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree and no one shall make them afraid.’ If we’re to live up to our own time, then victory won’t lie in the blade but in all the bridges we’ve made.

“That is the promise to glade, the hill we climb if only we dare it, because being American is more than a pride we inherit – it’s the past we step into and how we repair it.

“We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation rather than share it, would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy. And this effort very nearly succeeded. But while democracy can be periodically  delayed, it can never be permanently defeated.

“In this truth, in this faith we trust for while we have our eyes on the future, history has its eyes on us. This is the era of just redemption we feared at its inception.

“We did not feel prepared to be the heirs of such a terrifying hour, but within it we found the power to author a new chapter, to offer hope and laughter to ourselves. So while once we asked ‘how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe,’ now we assert: ‘how could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?’

“We will not march back to what was, but move to what shall be: a country that is bruised but whole, benevolent but bold, fierce and free. We will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation because we know our enaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation.

“Our blunders become their burdens but one thing is certain: If we merge mercy with might, and might with right, then love becomes our legacy in change, our children’s birthright.

“So let us leave behind a country better than the one we were left. With every breath from my bronze-pounded chest, we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one. We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west, we will rise from the winds swept north, east where our forefathers first realized revolution. We will rise from the lake-rinsed cities of the midwestern states. We will rise from the sun-baked South. We will rebuild, reconcile, and recover in every known nook of our nation and every corner called our country, our people diverse and beautiful will emerge battered and beautiful.

“When day comes, we step out of the shade, aflame and unafraid. The new dawn blooms as we free it. For there is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it.” ~ Amanda Gorman

As Carl Jung said, “I don’t have to “believe” there is a God.  I KNOW.” 

LET THE HEALING BEGIN. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE LIGHT. 

BEST, JAY

ON Wednesday, January 13, 2021, a man “installed himself” on the train tracks outside of Antibes, FRANCE, and stopped all trains for four hours.  For some reason, I thought this was funny!  I actually laughed out loud and thought he should try a less painful way to commit suicide and then it dawned on me – he was probably protesting something.  In France, everyone has a protest.  I guess that is the world over.  Duh. But, I have not a protest.  OK, maybe I do.  I don’t like this tub or this mattress.  Haha.  That is funny.  Good. My sense of humor is returning.  Sorta.

ON Thursday, January 14, 2021, (today), I am celebrating quietly my sister Barbara’s birthday.  She would be 89.  She died 21 years ago, about this time, in late January 2000, and was my “Mother De Facto”.   What? What is that? This requires a moment of pause:

No one gives us a book of rules about parenting.  Thus, none of us really know how to do it. Love.  That is enough.  NO, IT ISN’T!!!!!  It requires a lot more.  I don’t think my mother got the memo.  Thus, I did not get a memo.   But Barbara did. She was a natural at a lot of things. Amazing soul.  She had difficulty in having children of her own and lived a very painful life, but she had love for all of us, especially me. 

My mother was very confused about a lot of everything.  Thus, she took the lead from her husband – Daddy.  And he was a full-time job. (long story) As a result, I was raised in a “sink-or-swim” mode.  I raised my kids in a sink-or-swim mode.  I don’t recommend it. 

But a moment on the side of love and caring, Happy Birthday, Barbara!  I miss you very much. 

And now, at 83 (going on 84), I still think I am sinking or swimming -as are my kids.  (sigh) BUT, I cannot complain about the locale.  I LOVE living in Paris.  I think.  I like cafes open and the virus gone and the trains running.  I could do without the protests.  And I don’t want a lot of people “installing themselves” on the tracks.  Oh well, ……  At least, they are not storming the government buildings, YET…………… And, I am ALWAYS happy when I wake up and know where I am!!!

A helpful rule of thumb that makes sense to me:

“Huge numbers of our population believe in a complete alternate reality. Alternate facts, as it were.  

But just as intensely as I believe they are deluded, they think I am the one who is deluded. Maybe I am. So how can I be confident in my perception? It can be quite difficult.  

But, I have found that in times of political confusion, particularly when emotions are running high and creating tunnel vision, the presence of Nazis can be an extremely helpful indicator.  

If I am attending a local demonstration or event and I see Nazis…neo-Nazis, casual Nazis, master race Nazis, or the latest-whatever-uber-mythology-Nazis, I figure out which side they are on.  

And if they are on my side of the demonstration? I am on the wrong side.  

It is tough to argue moral equivalence when I am standing next to a Nazi. Look to my right.  Is there a guy wearing a 6MWE (6 million wasn’t enough) t-shirt? I am on the wrong side. Look to my left.  If that guy is wearing a Camp Auschwitz t-shirt? Wrong side.  Are Speakers being applauded for referring to things that Hitler got right? Wrong side. Team-spirit face paint and hat with animal horns?

This is actually an unclear indicator that could mean anything, but safest to keep my distance from that guy anyway, even at a football game. However, I can always, always, always rely on the presence of Nazis as a guiding light through a fog of disinformation. 

Some things are relative, and politics can absolutely have its opposing sides and grey areas.  But evil and good are absolute. As are the lessons of history. So, just look for the Nazis, (even in France) and make your own decisions.”     – Author Unknown

—

And another post I want to share with you because it speaks to me A LOT:

“In my youth, I was told that by the time we reached this point in the future, things would be very, very different. But, examined thoroughly, the future is definitely here. (Insert your own age. I am 83.)

In just about every way aside from being limited to terrestrial experiences, the phone I’m currently holding is superior in every measurable way to the communicators used in Star Trek, no matter what version of Trek you’re talking about, the most contemporary vision of which isn’t due for over 200 years from now. I have access to more music, more television programs and more movies than I would have ever had shelving for, at stunning clarity and quality, and I can play them from almost any device in this house from screens large enough to share with the family to ones small enough that they are for my eyes only, and at every scale the clarity of the image and quality of the sound can be virtually equal.

Sitting in my living room, I can call out in the open air and change the color, intensity, and number of lights operating in that room. I have the equivalent multimedia tools to create my own content that would have been the envy of most complete television stations just 25 years ago.

And yet, there is so much to life that hasn’t changed since I was born in 19(37), so much that should have changed long ago but is being held back by the forces that make money the way things are, and refuse to allow progress in those arenas.

So the future is here, but it’s this bizarre conglomeration of capabilities unimagined when I was young and concepts that were tired when I was born.” – Author Unknown

I hear commentators describe Trump as delusional but I disagree. I think that Trump knows exactly what he is doing.

Is this new?  Nope.  Not new.  Much older than we are. “Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” ― Voltaire (French writer)

Well, this one was fun to write on this rainy day in Paris. And, I will add that while in lockdown, I did not cut or color my hair after many years of hair and makeup. So, yesterday, I wandered into a salon (on my trip to the Pharmacie) and a guy from Romania named “Tony” cut my natural hair. I am still adjusting to the look. I will probably color it again, but this below is a record of what it looks like at this moment in time, with a touch (too much) of Facetune. Haha. There was a time when I was young and I made a headshot of my “look”. It was different and pretty. But, I am biased. Here it is.

But the one below was made last night. Both are “au natural” except for makeup above. The scars on my face below – melanoma in 2013,

Love, Jay

I’m getting tired of being part of another beginning PLUS another major historical event. Another silver lining. Another “pony in a pile of shit”. I am shocked, scared for my family and friends, disgusted, too old to fight the fight it is going to require from my attorney colleagues and friends and family. And I will never forgive or forget the pushers of lies. Lies have consequences. Seriously, I am holding my breath – a lot.

So at night , when I settle in front of the television, I ask myself, “Do I want to watch something or do I watch the News. So, as a result, I have been watching old comedies on my Eurobox under the category “Movies Comedy” for several nights.  Not this week. Only news. So far, I have seen eight of my all-time favorites and Stephen Colbert on YouTube.  Plus I am on the edge of my seat, watching International News. As soon as I go though ones I like, I will move on to Netflix. What have I seen, you ask?  First, a bit of foundation…….

France is still in lockdown with a lot of sick people out there.  My country (USA) is self-sabotaging “in plain sight”!  We have all been worried about my “state of mind”. Myself, included. SO, my friend Cy told me on December 27^th that I need to laugh for mental therapy, and my friend Peggy keeps sending me funnies – some of which, I think, are really funny. I am trying to laugh more.  I am trying to laugh out loud.  I need my brain to have fun.  Seriously, I am working on my brain – as well as my attitude, my depression, my appetite, wine, and on and on. I think it is working!  I am getting thinner, drinking mineral water and lime.  And, I feel better when I start the day. YES!!

I have now seen Birdcage, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Steel Magnolias, When Harry Met Sally, Diary of a Princess, Working Girl, Dead Poet’s Society, and Mrs. Doubtfire.  So, I am now laughing out loud at Stephen Colbert’s jokes. That is progress for me.  I tend to find the pony – BUT, after finding LOTS of shit.  I have a sense of humor, but I think a lot of silliness is stupid and different from laughing at stunts in movies.  I did not like the three stooges or Charlie Chaplin or the Marx Brothers.  Comedies today are offensive and not funny to me.  Most sitcoms are not funny to me.  So, I find myself hard to make laugh without “trying”.  And, it all becomes very “trying”.   

These are my favorites of Peggy’s Funnies:

“Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese.  FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?”

“How to prepare Tofu:

     a. Throw it in the trash
     b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish”

“I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.”

“I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.  I forgot where I was going with this.”

“A thief broke into my house last night.  He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.”

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”

“Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.”

“When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.”

“If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.”

“I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.”

“Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.”

“I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my bus stop.”

“You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.”

Then, just some food for thought,

And some images that I can’t get out of my mind:

SO, I have no words of wisdom. Just some things to think about. And a poem I love:

On the day when

The weight deadens

On your shoulders

And you stumble,

May the clay dance

To balance you.

And when your eyes

Freeze behind

The grey window

And the ghost of loss

Gets in to you,

May a flock of colours,

Indigo, red, green,

And azure blue,

Come to awaken in you

A meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays

In the currach of thought

And a stain of ocean

Blackens beneath you,

May there come across the waters

A path of yellow moonlight

To bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

May the clarity of light be yours,

May the fluency of the ocean be yours,

May the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

Wind work these words

Of love around you,

An invisible cloak

To mind your life.

By John O’Donohue

Peace, Jay

It has been quite a year!

In February 2020, I moved to a small Studio apartment in the Latin Quarter of Paris after living for four years in Nice, France.  I moved with some of my stuff after getting rid of most of it in the fall of 2019 and January 2020, most of which I still wanted to keep (but I wanted to move to Paris more), my cat Missy who was very sick (and I did not know it), and little to no knowledge of Paris or speaking French.  I don’t recommend it.

My landlord was a “friend” from Nice who owned property in Paris and Nice.  She met me when I arrived on the night of January 29, with supplies for Missy and a glass of wine and a sandwich.  So far so good.  I did not know that she had taken the power out of her name to stop on February 1,2020 at midnight.  In fact, she wanted the power in HER name because of Paris rental requirements.  So, at midnight on January 31, 2020, the power was turned off.  It was very cold outside, and the heater was electric.  Missy and I did not have a candle, even.  I somehow found the keys and the front door and booked a room at the hotel across the street. For me.  Not Missy.   (Luckily, lockdown had not yet closed all hotels.)  I don’t recommend it. 

She helped me to book electricity (she speaks French but is from the South USA), but we were both so mad at each other that I barely spoke to her again.  No problem.  I don’t recommend it. 

At a fast pace, I learned more about Paris and speaking French.  No choice. I did not think much about a virus.  I had a lot of other problems.  Doctors and a Vet for Missy were priorities. EVERYTHING worked differently from Nice, and I had no one to teach me.  AND, little did I know that I was in one of the best areas of Paris, so I did a crash course in the area. AND it was cold.  NO EXPLANATIONS.  Wikipedia.  My first questions were ‘so?’  Who cares?  I don’t recommend it. 

On March 17, 2020, mandatory home lockdown started in Paris at Noon (for 15 days at first).  It ended on May 11 after two extensions. So, that limited my activities and took my enthusiasm of So? And Who cares? to a new level.  I don’t recommend it.

I still did not like my Studio or my landlord, so I used my time to look online for another apartment (I did not care what area, sorta.)  And I needed to find doctors for my deteriorating health.  I had found several workable ways to get places.  And there were not a lot of people or places open.  IN other words, I became VERY focused.  Plus, I felt like I was running out of time.  People would find me dead in that Studio because of the smell, half-eaten by a cat. I knew no one.  Alas.  The negativity.   I don’t recommend it. 

There were a myriad of other problems and challenges, but I was very happy when lockdown opened the cafes, and I could once again get an omelet.  I began eating out most lunches and enjoyed each one.  And I did not go out after 5 pm. Missy and I would enjoy a glass or three of wine and each other’s company.  I would peek through the windows at the restaurant next door and watch the people talking over dinner.  I will admit I was envious and longed for companionship of the good kind.  I would try to remember the fun I had “going out.’  A little but not often.   I watched a lot of movies on my Eurobox as well as Netflix. 

In July 2020, I had an MRI of my head.  I had found a doctor who did tests that showed blockage in my left ear.  She really scared me, telling me in French, that I could have a brain tumor.  I understood enough French to know that I could be dying.   So, I immediately saw a dead body half-eaten by a cat.  After the MRI, that doctor told me IN FRENCH that I did Not have a tumor of any kind.  Good news.  And LOTS OF MONEY.  I was very happy that I would live.  I still needed to “experience” Paris and being there.  See things and go places.  Not a good time to die.  I did still not know anyone to help me.  So, I made the decision to help myself.  Duh.

First Step – GET OUT OF THIS STUDIO.  I HATE IT!!!

I began searching online for apartments.  Bingo!  I saw one that “fit the bill”.  I wrote the owner and poured out my heart.  She was French.  Oops.  Long story but it is not easy getting an owner – especially a French one – to take a chance on a tenant from the US in Paris.  Somehow, I convinced her to take a chance on me.  AMAZING.  So, I did what I could to fit her requirements.  I took the apartment starting immediately!  Well, in a few days.  It was at the TOP of my budget, but I decided to try it. Maybe I could work it out. I took a chance, and she took a chance.  We did it!!  On August 19, 2020, I moved from Paris 6e to Paris 16e.  Very different and not close by. Lots of benefits and lots of liabilities.  I was really happy to be out or that Studio and not working with that Landlord “friend”, now enemy.  I was an emotional mess.   I don’t recommend it.

I have been in my new apartment and trying to find nearby doctors in the 16e AND trying to figure things out and have been lockdowned AGAIN.  October 28, 2020. I am still an emotional and physical mess.  Travel consists of going to the grocery store and/or the pharmacy and an occasional walk in the neighborhood.  I recommend it.

I am grieving. (I wish I would not do that.) Missy died in November.  I grieve over that.  The numbers are terrible. I grieve over that. I have had some small strokes in my head.  I am grieving over that.  But I am taking care of myself – one day at a time.  I am doing what I can to get better.  I recommend it. 

For the most part, I am happy I am here and making the best of this apartment.  It is beginning to feel like “home”.  At least it does right now.  That is all I have.  Now.  Today.  I am glad I am not in the USA.  Those numbers and attitudes would be tough for me to take.  I am pulling for America, the Georgia I love, and the government for the people and by the people and OF the people.  I recommend it. 

Happy New Year! (No selfies these days. Ugh)

Best, Jay

Today, I have a lot of things on my mind.  First of all, December 27 is an important day in my life (for some unknown reason).  Mother died on this day, Darrell took his life (or was murdered) on this day, and a former husband was born on this day.  He will be 83.  AND, most important of all, France started giving the Covid-19 shots today.  I am looking forward to my turn.  And that brings me to several thoughts that I am pondering today, with a meme or photo here and there.

Wondering……  This week, I made several notes about things I want to discuss with you on Jayspeak.  Welllll, as you know, it is a one-sided discussion because I don’t really like different opinions.  A little.  Not a whole lot.  Sorry.  The problem is – I take things personally. And even though I try not to, I do.  And I hold grudges. So, if you are still reading, ……. 

Topics are, 1) taking turns; 2) why I think people want to believe conspiracy theories; 3) True colors; 4) whatever happens, happens & going with the flow; 5) the Rule Book; 6) None of the presents are for you; 7) expecting too much & respect.  So, I am sharing with you some of my current observations.  Please TAKE NOTICE these are subject to change without notice.     

1. I was taught to “wait your turn”.  “Wait your turn” assumes there is someone giving “turns”.  What if there is no one giving “turns” and, as a result, your turn does not “come up”.  Maybe we should not teach our kids to wait.  NO.  Don’t wait.  Go get what you want!  If not, you’ll be sorry.  What if you are NOT sorry – for any of it.  Manners to wait?  Good manners?  Maybe.  For whom?   For what?  God? Teachings of Christ?  Just wondering……  Hmmmmmm.

• I believe that people want to believe conspiracy theories.  I think conspiracy theories have been around as long as the game of “gossip”.  Did you ever play “gossip “as a child?   It was one of the first games I played.  It goes like this – everyone sits around in a circle.  The first person makes up something.  He/she whispers into the person’s ear siting next him/her.  And each person passes it to the next.   After it has passed around the circle, it is said out loud.  And it is always changed!  Distorted.  So, the message is not accurate. Let’s call it – a lie.   And people like to believe lies. Especially people who lie themselves.   In other words, if I know this much, then what do I NOT know that is being kept from me.  So, I could make up whatever I want to make up and spread it around.   I have had people do that to me and about me.  Sew doubt. And I have witnessed it done to people.  About Daddy. About his family.  Children about parents.  Wives about husbands.  It doesn’t represent the truth.  Lies. And people believe it.  They want to believe it.  And act on it. Propaganda?   You get the picture. 

• People always show their “true colors”.  You don’t have to say or do anything.  Just sit and observe.  I have met people and suspected things immediately.  One, in particular, comes to mind.  And her “niceness” and innocence and pretense not to know what to do, I did not believe – for a minute.  I thought she was probably mean and a manipulator.  It wasn’t long before I saw her true colors.  I was right! Dumb as a fox!!!! And, I watched her manipulate! Don’t get me started on hypocrisy!!!! The world is full of ducks. Long story for another time. True Colors.

• Whatever happens, happens and going with the flow is not that easy to do.  Maybe it not even desirable.  I don’t think “whatever” is a good approach.  Maybe.  I am still thinking about that one. Duh.

• The Rule Book.  Being raised in the South and in the First Baptist Church, there was a Rule Book.  Bible?  Mother and Daddy?  The neighbors?  My friends?  Their parents.  Dr. Spock.  It was very confusing.  The Rule Book kept changing. And, when I went to the University of Wisconsin, the Rule Book changed again, and again,  and again.  The Rules keep changing.  I try to keep up but it is hard. And what to do when there are no apparent rules. Or when anything goes. That is the worst! Ugh. And, a book told me Good Girls Don’t Get AHead; Gutsy Girls Do. Break a rule every day. Huh? What????

• Fear that none of the presents are for me.  That was my fear as a child.  Being left out.  Forgotten.  So, to work with my concern, I wrapped books and put them under the tree with my name on them from Santa.  No comment. 

• And, lastly, expecting too much.  I need to do an entire post about “expectations” or “unfulfilled expectations” .  That is a biggie.  And that worst part of it is that I am to blame.  Ugh. Duh?

Now none of these are earthshaking. Each one is obvious. It just that they are on my mind – Christmas past, memories, lies, expectations and disappointment. You get the picture.

For Christmas, I did my “roast” for me.  And a boiler of chicken soup is on the stove right now.  (It is a cold, windy day in Paris). 

For today’s New Year’s Resolution, I am resolving to watch old comedies on TV.  Films.  Last night, I watched “Birdcage”.  I need to laugh more.  It was Cy’s idea.  So, I am open for comedy suggestions.  Good ones. 

So, these are my Holiday ponderings.  I am my own best friend these days.  And a myriad of Social media “friends”.  I am thankful for Facebook. It helps me feel like I have company.  Go figure.  And I am trying to take photographs but most of the time, I forget when I am walking.  Plus, it is cold. 

Below is a photograph I “arranged” to post on social media that I call “A Christmas Memory.”  It has my piano, Steve’s Kerry Hallam’s lithograph of Cannes, Mother’s Christmas ornaments, Mama Dorough’s wooden bowl, Tommy and Jimmye’s wedding gift to Steve and me of a crystal vase, roses. 

Best, Jay (Below is a picture I like from many years ago. ) I remember when.