JAYSPEAK

They ALL deserve roses. If you are just tuning in, I started this post last weekend. It gives you a tad of background. And I stopped the timing on that post with Ed Jewell’s suicide. His oldest son (age 9, going on 10) called Beamus (Ed, Jr.) found him that morning, hanging in the barn. This photo is a picture of my grandmother taken when she was an art teacher at Brenau College in Gainesville, Georgia. She was in her 20’s. And I still have a water color of hers on my wall beside my bed in Paris.

After that, someway, Mary Tallulah Dickson Jewell met and married Leonard Loudermilk in Atlanta and a Baptist preacher and two witnesses on July 23, 1914, blending two families that had five children each, and went home from Atlanta that day to a group of 10 children (ages 15 – 4), who had all been through their own individual experiences – five who suffered the death of their mother and five who experience the suicide of their father.  Let’s figure out the various ages of those kids.   First, let’s list them:  the Jewell kids were Mary (born June 1898), Edgar, Jr. (born August 1899, aka “Beamus”), Jesse (born March 1902) , Furman (born October 1903), and Margaret (born August 1904). The Loudermilk kids are listed below. Dennis Loudermilk was the oldest (February 1898 -15 at remarriage)and then Mary Jewell (June 16, 1898 – 15 at remarriage was next. The youngest was Ida Mae Loudermilk, (January 17, 1910 – 4 at remarriage.)

ON the morning of July 19, 1909, that fateful morning when each child’s father was found hanging in the barn, Mary, the oldest, had just turned 11 in June.   Beamus was 9 and would be 10 in August, the next month – he is the one who found his father.  Jesse (my father) was 7 in March.   His younger brother Furman was 5 – he would be 6 in October.  Margaret, their baby sister, was 4.  She would be 5 in August.  WOW.  Talk about a trauma.  And, if he were suffering from drugs anyway, imagine the craziness that comes from drugs and alcohol.  WOW.  In other words, those kids were very young. And, their mother, was 37. The deceased father ED JEWELL was 52.

Questions? What did she do for money?  Did she and Ed already have the feed and fertilizer store at that time?  How did she manage with those 5 little children and the shame of that death? I don’t know.  But somehow, she did.  And they did.  For five years.  But somehow, she met and decided to marry Leonard Loudermilk on July 23,1914 in Atlanta, at the age of 42. How did she meet him? I don’t know. They are all dead. No one left records. So, let’s take a minute to see what we know about Leonard. I have a few photos.

Leonard Loudermilk was born (October 1875) in Habersham County and grew up and fell in love with a local girl Malala Sisk.    He married her at the age of 22.  Malala was two years older and beautiful, and I image they were excited and In love because their wedding day was Valentine’s Day 1897 (romantic day).  They moved to Gainesville in Hall County when he got a job, managing a company mill store for two cotton mills in Hall County. 

And they had five children together.  Who were their kids?  The oldest was Dennis, (born February 1898).  The next was another boy, Joe (born September 1899).  The next was another boy Hershel, born March 1902, and then a girl Ruby (born November 1906. And the baby was another girl Ida Mae (born January 1910). The above photo is a photo of Leonard and Malala and their oldest three boys.

Malala died on July 28, 1913, from cancer. She was a young 40.   At the time of her death, Dennis was 14, Joe was 13, Hershel was 11.  Ruby was 6.  Ida Mae was 3.  Just babies.  Left for Leonard to raise alone.  From what I think, Leonard was a good man and loved his wife and kids.  I believe he missed Malala very much and wanted the best for her kids.  How sad.  Somehow, he met a widow – Tallulah Dickson Jewell, with five kids of her own.  They decided to marry and blend the two families.

Mary Tallulah had a big house with five bedrooms and two baths, so the twelve of them lived there.  It was struck by lightning in a tornado in 1936 and burned.  All of the children had married by then, except Beamus, who still lived with them.    I don’t know what year this photo below was taken, but the kids look young. It is taken on the steps of the big house before the tornado in 1936 destroyed it. I was born in 1937. All of this happened when I was not present. Or even conceived. I just took it all for granted when I was young. I am now so sorry that I did not ask more questions. And, that I did not show more love and respect.

Another timing to note –  after Malala’s death, Leonard remarried one year.  (Malala died July 28, 1913 – remarriage was July 23, 1914.)    Mary remarried 5 years after Ed’s death (July 19, 1909 – remarriage July 23, 1914).  Mary Dickson was 42.  Leonard was 39.  That fact tells me that they both needed each other, in love or not.  So, they contracted to join forces to help all of the children at risk here.  WOW.   And they did.  And they managed to rear them and send 9 of them to college. Together they were quite a team. Now, if that is not love, I don’t know it.  Two adults during pandemics and world wars, working together to help families and each other.  WOW.  

Now. I want to write about Daddy and his need to help his mother and step father through hard times. I have a theory that I want to explore. So, stay turned. It requires its own day. He was quite a man. And this story is unusual and full of love and family and amazing strength during trauma. The true American spirit. It inspires me. I lived it and did not appreciate at the time. I took it for granted. HOW WRONG OF ME. I apologized for not being clearer about all of this. I still have a lot of blurred vision and want to write this with this MAC that keeps jumping around. But, I am amazed at all of these people who lived this amazing story during wars and hard times. And, each child has a successful story. I will only write about Daddy.

Best, Jay (this is hard to write because the computer jumps around and I am doing the best I can. Sorry. I want to get it written. I don’t had the energy for a book. But, blog posts let me do something, at least. I need a ghost writer. And hair and makeup. And I love this young picture of me. What an interesting life I have had. )

This is what is on my mind….   Since I have been staying inside for lockdowns, I have been doing a lot of thinking, as you know.  And so, my treks are in planning stage.  I plan to do more research of this area when I feel better about being outside.  I feel like I am “home”, and, I have several places I plan to go when it gets warmer.  I need to go.  Why?  I don’t know why.  I just do. 

I love the building in the above picture. Wow. And, spring is here and in the air.  I can feel it.  Buds are appearing on trees, and different flowers are in the plant shops.  And it is light longer during the day.  Great!  I love spring.  Hope and new life are within reach. AND, it is my year – The Chinese Year of the Ox! A good one for me, for sure.

I have thought a lot about my family of late. You know, you only have one family and every family has issues. My Thought for the DAY: Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, and your values become your destiny.

As a result of looking at my destiny, I have begun to understand more things.  I think that is good.  I have done a lot of research about Daddy’s mother, and now things have made more sense to me.  I was planning to write about my findings, but I am rethinking that.  Maybe things are better left unsaid.  Maybe.  I am still thinking about it.  It is a wonderful story of strength, love, and forgiveness.  It is a wonderful story of choices and priorities.  My plan was to do a “Once upon a time….”.   And, I would have fun writing it.  This was her wedding dress. She married June 1, 1897.

Daddy was an amazing man.  So was his mother.  And I understand his father now.  Even more than people remember.  I have discovered it.   And it all makes sense to me.  I am very happy that I know now.  Secrets that adults keep from children.  I know the secrets.  And, I love them for keeping them from me. 

Plus, these things don’t mean anything to others.  They have their own family secrets.  But, somehow, it matters.  Daddy did a lot to help entire area, and now it all makes sense to me.  I lived it.  And I am a dying generation.  So, maybe it needs to be told.  Maybe.  I need strength and energy to write it.  So, we’ll see.  Pray for me to be about to do this if I am supposed to.  Through my eyes……

You see, when you start trying to recreate someone else’s world, you get outside of yourself and see through different eyes.  I have always enjoyed doing that.  That is why I loved acting so much. In working with Daddy and his mother, Mary Tallulah Dickson, I recreated her world and childbirth, and five little babies she loved, and how she dealt with those problems in her world at that time in a small town in Georgia.  Most of her family of origin lived in Texas at the time.  The family moved to Texas (Wharton County – in the middle of nowhere – LAMPASAS, TX (near Houston) when she was 10. And at that time, she cooked and cleaned for her father, her stepmother, and three more half-siblings. She was born in 1872 in the middle of nowhere, Alabama (Pine Level), on a plantation. Her real mother died in childbirth when she was 4.  (1874)And, she cared for her brothers and sister a long time because she was the oldest.  Three siblings and later – three half-siblings.  It was a lot of work.

So when she went to teach art at a private girls’ college in another state, she was glad to get away from all of that.  Now, you cannot just imagine what it was like without remembering a different world.  Things were rough.   Life was raw.  Indians.  Woods.   No television or machines.  No cars.  How did she learn to paint- watercolor?  I don’t know.  Why did she apply to that college? I don’t know.  Why did they accept her?  I don’t know.  She was tall.   Pretty.  Strong-willed. She probably “surrendered” about that time. My thoughts on “surrender” – “Surrender is the ultimate sign of strength and the foundation for a spiritual life. Surrendering affirms that we are no longer willing to live in pain. It expresses a deep desire to transcend our struggles and transform our negative emotions. It commands a life beyond our egos, beyond that part of ourselves that is continually reminding us that we are separate, different and alone. Surrendering allows us to return to our true nature and move effortlessly through the cosmic dance called life. It’s a powerful statement that proclaims the perfect order of the universe.–

Fell in love or became interested in a party boy – the son of a Baptist preacher.  He was 20 years older than she was.  Moody.  Experimented with the drugs of that day – opium.  I don’t know if I have a picture of him. She helped him with a feed store. And, fertilizer store.  At a time when women did not work.  But, she did.  They had five little babies, Two girls and three boys.  And, he kept trying to kill himself.  She kept all of it running.  And, they bought a big house with a lot of bedrooms and a barn.  She was terrified he would kill himself.  She reallly loved her babies. And, one night he did.  Hung himself in the barn.  Ugh.  Oh, the shame of all of it!  And one of the babies (a son), found his father hanging in the barn the next morning, July 19, 1909.  Talk about trauma.  Image living with that picture in your mind forever.  My uncle Beamus, his namesake, did. Ed, Jr. (Uncle Beamus) was almost 10 at the time.

Well, what happened after that is a story of survival that is so full of love and strength and giving that I still cry when I think of the beauty and the strength of it.  Above are her pictures.  She was in her 20’s at that time.  Tall.  Straight as an arrow. Strong. Relentless in her love and protection for her five babies. Mary was the oldest. She was 11.

Ok.  That just gives you a taste of my world in my mind as I look out my window over Paris. 

I feel the presence of Mary Tallulah in my blood.  Giving me strength.  Helping me through my fear.  Wow.  What a heritage.  From Tyrone County in Ireland.  And, Scotland.  I need to visit there. Hope to.

Stay tuned. Wait until you hear my version of what it was like being young in my home growing up, and what Daddy had to deal with…… Along with Mother and the three of us girls. From a feed and fertilizer store to an international company and business. Wow!

Love from my home in Paris, Jay

ON my mind today are several things.   Tomorrow is my grandson Mark’s birthday, and I am thinking of how I loved his birth on Valentine’s Day. Tomorrow, he will be 27. He will forever be my valentine.

AND, I am working on a piece to publish about my amazing grandmother (Daddy’s mother – Mary Tallulah Dickson Jewell Loudermilk) that I find so interesting.  But I am still doing research.  It is an amazing love story that has inspired me all my life.  And I am channeling her at the moment because I need some of her strength as I struggle with several matters.  It is true.  I feel her presence, even though I know that sounds weird.  Who cares!!!  It seems to be working and I can believe what I choose. 

Meanwhile (as Stephen Colbert would say), on another subject, …I learned not to “trust” at an early age.  HOW?  And in spite of everything that happened around me, I continued to trust and to get hurt!  I was born trusting.  Are people born trusting?  Or born not trusting?  I don’t know. But I think I was born trusting because I got so hurt when I was very young.  I know.  I know.  Weird.  But I was told a different truth from reality. I was devastated when I discovered a different truth.  I could not believe THE BIG LIE.  What?  Sound familiar?  Well, it was MY big lie.  What happened?  (I always HATED it. and STILL wish it was not true.)  The problem is:  I don’t forgive or forget.  I have discovered that I hold grudges. Now, I know better, it just “happens”. Haha.  

When I was young, I sucked my right thumb.  All relatives disapproved.  I was TOO OLD to be sucking my thumb with a pink blanket with white reindeer on it.  My parents bought a wire thumb guard and taped it to my right hand.  They were afraid I would have buck teeth.  Plus, the shame of it.  What would the neighbors think?  Ugh.  So, Mother took away my pink blanket.  WHAT?????  When I craved my pink blanket, Mother told me she burned it in that back yard.    WHAT?????  How could anyone be so mean?   Scarred for life, I wept myself to sleep most nights.  I finally got over it, and no longer wanted to suck my thumb.  I was not a happy camper.

My life at 2 was over at age 3.  And I vowed to hate my mother for life.  Tried and convicted for meanness to me.  Only me.  Not my two sisters. Then, a couple of years later, I was going through a dining room chest of drawers and there it was!!!! My pink blanket.  NOT BURNED!

On some level, I understood, but I still feel that pain of betrayal.  And I am hit in the NEWS every day with that reality – THE BIG LIE.  Yes, I watch the news.  Yes, I still trust.  Yes, I still get hurt.  I think I practiced law to “grow a thicker skin” with the lies of clients, bosses, defense attorneys, witnesses, and judges.  I grew a thicker skin; but I knew that I had to keep my guard up.  AT ALL TIMES.  It is exhausting.  But I still remember that pain of betrayal throughout my life. And, I continue to work on forgiving and forgetting.  Sorry.  Memes and joke and photos that speak to me and a share or two or three. I don’t take back any of it.

Best, Jay from Paris with love.

“Accountable for your conduct.”  That Is on my mind.  What does that mean? To Me? Have I been accountable for my conduct at this late date when it is too late to change? OK, let’s review for a moment. I am from Georgia, having lived most of my life in Los Angeles, California. I now live in Paris, France. I am in the golden years of my life.  And looking out my window on the lower half of the 16ème arrondissement of Paris.  According to my information, it is called “AUTEUIL NORD”. 

I retained a new French accountant this week, and he told me that this area was originally a small village outside of Paris.  It became part of Paris during (my mind tuned out here) and is now part of the city.  (mind tuned back in).  Yet, it still feels like a little village with lots of residential areas. Upscale.  YES.  My mind liked all I was hearing. 

I don’t plan to move for a while, especially when there is no where I can go. Haha.  LOCKDOWN!!  THEN I noted that I can ask him at another time to fill in the facts.  AND, I hoped that that “upscale” would not affect my Retainer fee. Haha.

OK. And, now that I am in Paris (where I have always wanted to be), retired from the law, active in the entertainment industry, and in my “golden years”, my entire life is on review. Haha. Opps. “Have I been accountable for my conduct?” Hmmmmmmmm. I have spent my entire life blaming myself for everything BAD that has happened to me or my children or my significant other (????) or his children (??) and I am now having a lot of bad dreams. Well, I have thought and thought and thought. And, this is what has come to me (at this moment in time).

I always told my factual truth. Even when I knew it would get me in trouble then or later. And when it would get me in trouble, I would blame myself for the repercussions. Right? WRONG! I did what I needed to do. I told the truth. They just did not like it or believe me or agree or……. Now, I could have kept my mouth shut. Or lied. Or Made Nice. Who? Me? Not have an opinion? Lie? Make nice? Never going to happen.

For some inexplicable reason, I can breathe again. I am sure I will be jogging by spring.

Duh, you say. NO. THIS IS A BIGGIE!!!! FOR ME!! I miss friends and family of yesteryear, but I said or did things that they did not like or agree with or (if they are still alive)……, and here I am. I am so happy, I will post some pretty photographs and funny memes and cartoons. Each one will be my version on some truth. And you may not like it. Who cares at this late date. At least, if no one remembers me, they might remember something I say. Or said. Good and bad. Haha. YES, I was accountable for my actions. I don’t take any of it back.

And, now to sleep, and maybe to dream…….

Best and From Paris with Love, Jay

Don McLean wrote “Vincent,” also known as “Starry, Starry Night,” in the fall of 1970 about Vincent van Gogh, who never sold a painting while he lived. His brother supported him, even after Vincent lost his mind.Van Gogh painted “Starry Night” during one of the most difficult periods of his life, while he was locked up in an asylum at Saint Remy. He had to paint the scene from memory,“Vincent” was a bigger international hit than “American Pie”. In 1972, it reached number 1 in the UK and number 12 in the USA.Whoever has made this video deserves both recognition and gratitude for selecting Vincent’s paintings that is so perfectly match by Don McLean’s lyrics that pay tribute to his genius!  – AUTHOR UNKNOWN

From PARIS with love,

Best, Jay

ON MY MIND: This week, I read that people did not live in the same worlds.  Ever.  DUH!!!! But an 80 + year old woman or man does not live in the same world as a 30, 40, 50-year-old person.  Then, I remembered my days in Law School.  I knew that I had to think in a way that my classmates (who were younger) were thinking because most of my clients and business associates would be young and excited and motivated!!  And I wanted to be a successful lawyer. And, I was!

Then, I thought about my readers on Jayspeak.  And … Paris. I have things that I want to say, and I want people to want to read what I have to say. No one wants to know how to be a successful 80-year-old. OK, I do. And, maybe some others do. BUT, most of us want to be the age we feel in our heads (all ages). We all need to think in a way that is excited and motivated.

Hmmmmmm.

Then I pondered “thinking positively” about things – being young, excited, and motivated. There is so much negativity. What is realistic? Oh, who cares!  I don’t need to be realistic. I like looking for a pony in all of this shit.  I like a glass half full of water that is now a commodity!  HaHa.   Practice…..

In 2020, I moved to Paris!  MY Paradise!  It doesn’t have to be anyone else’s Paradise.  Then, I read in 2020, the following things happened (posted by another positive thinker on Facebook)……..

• The ozone hole over Antarctica closed
• Germany is changing 62 military bases into nature reserves 
• Whales came back to the Atlantic Ocean after more than 100 years (I don’t know about the dolphins)
• Great Britain reported the smallest number of people that became infected by HIV in history
• China, as the biggest air polluter in the world, committed to achieving zero emissions by 2060 (I was in Beijing.  It was terrible)
• The number of victims of terrorism decreased for the 5^th year in a row
• In 2020, people saved 48 animal species from extinction
• Scientist discovered 20 new plant and animal species; they also rediscovered some they thought were extinct
• Kazakhstan became the 88^th nation that committed to abolish the death penalty
• The elephant population in Kenya doubled
• Saudi Arabia and Palestine banned child marriages
• Demand for oil decreased for the first time in history and Denmark promised to end its mining.
• Scotland will provide menstrual aids to all women for free
• In Africa, polio has been completely eradicated.  THEY OWE IT THE VACCINE
• Vaccine against Covid-19 became the fastest developed vaccine in history. (Oops – is that good or bad?) 

Now, I am not superstitious, BUT if I were, I would be knocking on wood, 17 or 18 x3 times.  Anyway, that is good news if you need it. And…. maybe it is stretching a point here and there…. But you get the picture….

Meanwhile…. back in Paris and thinking young….  

Well, I need to get color back on my hair.  That make me think younger Haha.  And this cane doesn’t help.  So, while I think about a young approach to Jayspeak, I will post fun pictures and some memes that I like….

Meet LUCY! She is a place saver for my next cat while I think..Handmade in Germany. Designer Kitty until I get my next rescue.

NO COMMENT!

TRYING TO EAT HEALTHY. ACTUALLY, I LIKE HEALTHY FOOD….

NO COMMENT.

Well, I am still working on it. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, I am staying put in my own Paris, the PARADISE of my own making….and, the pony is in the mail…..along with the check……

Best, Jay (only past pictures until I get that energy to do hair and makeup for the pharmacie and the grocery store. Soon. Not today, not tomorrow, but soon. )