This is on my mind this week….

I am so glad I am old and alive. I don’t want to die. Not yet.

I still have things that I want to do.

Just some thoughts about getting old and getting older as a woman with three grown children and grandchildren…..


Thought 1:  What does it feel like to be old? 

The other day, a young person asked me: – What did it feel like to be old?

I was very surprised by the question, since I did not consider myself old. When he saw my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question. And after reflection, I concluded that getting old is a gift.

Sometimes I am surprised at the person who lives in my mirror. But I don’t worry about those things for long. I wouldn’t trade everything I have for a few less gray hairs and a flat stomach. I don’t scold myself for not making the bed, or for eating a few extra “little things.” I am within my rights to be a little messy, to be extravagant, and to spend hours staring at my flowers.

I have seen some dear friends leave this world, before they had enjoyed the freedom that comes with growing old.

-Who cares if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 in the morning and then sleep until who knows what time?

I will dance with me to the rhythm of the 50’s and 60’s. And if later I want to cry for some lost love…I will!

I’ll walk down the beach in a swimsuit that stretches over my plump body and dive into the waves letting myself go, despite the pitying looks of the bikini-wearers. They’ll get old too, if they’re lucky…

It is true that through the years my heart has ached for the loss of a loved one, for the pain of a child, or for seeing a pet die. But it is osuffering that gives us strength and makes us grow. An unbroken heart is sterile and will never know the happiness of being imperfect. 

I am proud to have lived long enough for my hair to turn gray and to retain the smile of my youth, before the deep furrows appeared on my face.

Now, to answer the question honestly, I can say: -I like being old, because old age makes me wiser, freer!-.

I know I’m not going to live forever, but while I’m here, I’m going to live by my own laws, those of my heart. 

I’m not going to regret what wasn’t, nor worry about what will be. 

The time that remains, I will simply love life as I did until today, the rest I leave to God.

Thought 2:

Old age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now,

probably for the first time in my life,

the person I have always wanted to be.

Oh, not my body!

I sometime despair over my body –

the wrinkles,

the baggy eyes and the sagging butt.

And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror,

but I don’t agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life,

my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.

As I’ve aged,

I’ve become more kind to myself and less critical of myself.

I’ve become my own friend.

I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie,

or for not making my bed,

or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need,

but looks so avante garde on my patio.

I am entitled to overeat,

to be messy,

to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon;

before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4:00 am and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50s & 60s,

and if I,

at the same time,

wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,

despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.

But there again,

some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken.

How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one,

or when a child suffers,

or when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.

A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. 

So many have never laughed and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

I can say “no” and mean it.

I can say “yes” and mean it.

As you get older,

it is easier to be positive.

You care less about what other people think.

I don’t question myself anymore.

I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question,

I like being old.

It has set me free.

I like the person I have become.

I am not going to live forever,

but while I am still here,

I will not waste time lamenting what could have been,

or worrying about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day.

Thought 3:

Women, you can begin to heal your feminine energy by limiting who has access to you. You need to see yourself as precious as a diamond & very valuable. It does not matter if no one else is seeing this worth, it matters that you do. Just as you would ensure a very rare & special diamond needs high protection, so does your essence & being. Only those that truly meet you correctly should have a key to enter you. This is the fastest way out of engaging with karmics, jesters, page boy energies. 

Your time & energy are very valuable & by prioritizing yourself & self-worth, you will begin to see a shift in the quality of your connections & draw in healthy masculine energy that provides safety & full commitment of a King or Emperor. Put your own heart on the pedestal & trust it can & will be matched. You do not have to pull yourself down to receive love. You do not need to ever participate in uneven exchanges of energy. Be cautious of your social presence also. Limiting access to you applies for this too. 

Each time you do not feel validated in any way, instead of giving away your beautiful energy, see yourself as a child, hug yourself, validate your child self with love. 

Thought 4:

Oh, darling, I hear what they say about me..

And frankly, I just don’t care-

It’s the same thing they’ve always said and I’m quite used to it.

I’m too much, too opinionated, too strong, too loud..just too hard to handle.

They search for all the words they can find trying to describe me and they don’t ever realize-

I’ll never fit into that pretty little definition of what they want me to be.

No, I’m proudly one of a kind- a messy mixture of chaos and curves who knows who she is and isn’t afraid to share it with the world.

Forget the rules and the properness of it all.

I’m never going to live my life by anything other than the passion of my heart.

I’m going to chase my dreams, steal away the beautiful moments and speak my mind.

You’ll never forget me, but then, why would you want to?

You’ll never meet another woman like me, so don’t expect me to stick around if you don’t like who I am or think I’m “too much” of anything..

You don’t have to be in my life -it’s a choice.

I love the person I am and I enjoy my growth..

Into something and someone better.

So, yeah, I may be a beautiful mess sometimes, have no idea how I’m going to get it all done, but I always find a way to slay my days and conquer the obstacles.

This is my life and these are my choices.

I love the people in my circle fiercely , so if you want to get close to me, be real, be passionate and most of all, be open minded.

Life’s never the same every day, it’s just a matter of rising to meet the challenges.

And I don’t know about you,

But my journey and my life are right where they’re supposed to be:

Awesome, fulfilling and happy.

I love me..just the way that I am.

Thought 5:

I don’t know how long I will live. 

I feel like that child who won a packet of sweets: he ate the first with pleasure, but when he realized that there were few left, he began to enjoy them intensely.

I no longer have time for endless meetings where statutes, rules, procedures and internal regulations are discussed, knowing that nothing will be achieved.

I no longer have time to support the absurd people who, despite their chronological age, haven’t grown up.

My time is too short:

I want the essence,

my soul is in a hurry.

I don’t have many sweets 

in the package anymore.

I want to live next to human people,

very human,

who know how to laugh at their mistakes,

and who are not inflated by their triumphs,

and who take on their responsibilities.

Thus human dignity is defended and we move towards truth and honesty.

It is the essential that makes life worth living.

I want to surround myself with people who know how to touch hearts, people who have been taught by the hard blows of life to grow with gentle touches of the soul.

Yes, I’m in a hurry, I’m in a hurry to live with the intensity that only maturity can give.

I don’t intend to waste any of the leftover sweets. 

I am sure they will be delicious, much more than what I have eaten so far.

My goal is to reach the end satisfied

and at peace with my loved ones

and my conscience.

We have two lives. 

And the second begins when you realize you only have one.

Just things to think about!

BEST, Jay 




Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.

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