Often, from time to time, I read something that I save for no good reason.  Somehow, it speaks to me.  Not too long ago, I read this – probably on Facebook, and it spoke to me.  Today, I want to share it with you. I want to thank the author – Author Unknown – for writing it.  That took courage.  I don’t know her, but I feel like I do.  I hope that she doesn’t mind that I am sharing it.  She signed it and hash-tagged it – #triggerwarning #vulnerable.  
“I read a quote recently that said ‘The world has enough women who live a masked insecurity.  It needs more women who live a brave vulnerability.’  Ann Voskamp  
Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage. I want to be a woman who shows up and claims her space in the world, unapologetically. I am also obsessed with becoming a woman comfortable in her skin. 
I am recovering from an eating disorder.  This is the first time I’ve claimed this fact or said it out loud to ANYONE, including myself.  I have said all types of things to skirt the subject or mask the insecurity.  I even tried to type that phrase in a million different ways that didn’t sound so…. well so vulnerable.  There have been times I would commit to doing it differently and KNOW all the ‘right’ ways of maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but I would always revert back to my old ways, limiting my food and calorie intake to an extreme degree paired with a specific weight loss aid. Did it work?  Yes, kinda, sorta… NO! Temporarily, perhaps, but NO…  Ok, firm NO, this cycle was NOT serving my mind, body, or spirit and goes against all I believe in. 
About six months ago, through a lot of prayer and tears, I chose to end this cycle that was not serving me. It’s been really hard, humbling, and scary… but, it’s working.  No, I didn’t miraculously lose or maintain weight; I didn’t join a gym or run a marathon or start a NEW diet.  I just was.  I just allowed myself to be.  I focused on my family, my business, my faith, and spirituality.  In so many ways, I have felt more grounded and amazing than I have in my lifetime and, at the same time, freaking the heck out because, like any recovery process,  still fighting the urge to turn back.  It’s a strange space to be in when your head, heart, and soul are besties, but you haven’t fully embraced the amazing creation that is carrying them around every single day.  I think my body is one of the significant reasons I am sharing this because she deserves to know that she matters… that she is appreciated.  I also recognize I have children watching me, wanting to be LIKE me, and, as I have been seeking to increase my spirituality and faith, it became clear to me that I was not honoring my Creator by disrespecting the magnificence of the gift HE gave me.  This is my public apology to Him and the incredible gift he has trusted me with.
As you can imagine, six months in, I have learned a LOT of things about myself.  Some things I was excited to see and some not so much, but my heart is truly full of gratitude, and a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.  Where am I now?  Well, I’ve stopped thinking I had to do it all… and that I had to do it all alone.  I have learned to lean on my God for ALL things including THIS.  I’ve learned it was ok… actually vital to my health and spirituality …to let go of this unhealthy crutch and change the way I see myself.  Oh… and the biggie …that I don’t have to be perfect to be seen or successful to be loved.  
I was NOT excited to share ALL of my truth.  Not here, not anywhere.  But have felt called to do it over and over and over again.  Soooooo…. I’m showing up with the prayer and promise that it will be ok.  It feels vital in the process of letting go of the old and embracing the new, and, as I have typed this, the fear is beginning to fall away… and with that, comes hope.  Perhaps this will resonate with some of you.  Perhaps this is my catalyst for my continued growth and change. 
‘And I said to my body softly, I want to be your friend. It took a long breath. And replied, I have been waiting my whole life for this.’  Nayyirah Waheed”
I love it!  My mind needs work.  My body needs work.  (sigh).
Best, Jay

Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.

4 thoughts on “JUST WONDERING……..

  1. I took the time to really read that blog and came to a different understanding of what it was about and thanks for our chat that caused me to read it again, and realize what she was saying 🙂


  2. The author of this article has put her Faith in God. It is a sad way to live her life. I think too many are obsessed by our “looks” .


    1. Hi, Marie, thank you for commenting. I love it that you take the time to do so. I know what you mean. However, I interpret the author’s article to be her way of handling a major life problem – like alcohol or dyslexia or…. She doesn’t tell us what her exact problem is. I have a lot of family and friends who handle life problems by trusting a higher power – call it God or the Universe, or Spirit, or…. As for “looks”, I sorta agree, but I must admit, looks matter to me. Often, when someone lets his/her looks go, it is an outward sign of an inner problem – of body and/or of mind, like people who get overweight.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally agree with all you said. I didn’t mean to imply that our appearance is not very important because I care about mine and I purchase nice , young clothes, and take excellent care of skin, hair, & nails. I’m told I don’t look or act my age, You are always beautifully groomed. That was an interesting article that was different. That was a great subject and I enjoy reading your posts and really think about them. By the way, I think I looked great in Paris. 💋


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