After my post “PONDERINGS ABOUT TRUTH”, I now know that most people are aware that a lot of people conceal and lie to “save face” or on a “need to know” basis only. And, it is never wise to name names in a post or in a book. It only causes more problems with people than it is worth to make a point. Especially if the people are still alive. Oops. I once tried to write a book with fictional names, and I got very confused. So, this is a dilemma for me. You see, for years, I took classes and went to Journal workshops to help myself “find ME” and it worked. I definitely changed into the person I am today, and she is definitely different from the little girl growing up in Gainesville, Georgia. IN MY OPINION. And, the process is ongoing.
And, as early as 1971 (49 years ago), I felt that my destiny was to help confused, creative searchers like myself to find themselves. (I no longer think that is my destiny.) At the time, I believed that many of my friends felt “dead” inside. (I had felt dead inside before my work in the journal). I KNEW they acted dead inside – like a bunch of “Stepford Wives” (Look it up), e.g., “dead inside”, and I wanted to help them help themselves. It involved work in a personal journal. Oops. WELL, I have a problem when people don’t like or understand that kind of work. Or value it. I valued it at the beginning. I could see the value of the work. Most people can’t, or don’t, or won’t. Why did I? Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with them? Is something wrong with that kind of work? And, I am especially impatient with searchers. Actually, there is nothing wrong at all. The problem is that I have difficulty letting go of trying to control them. AND, a lot of people are NOT searching at all. I am. And, it is still ongoing.
I like to do journalistic writing. That is my writing style. Especially in these blogs.
On JANUARY 1, 1972, I wrote these words in my journal (at the age of 35), “Life is one long period of waiting – waiting for someone to come, waiting for something to happen, waiting for happiness, the anticipation of waiting, and then, the waiting for Death. Are these pre-war times? Like the times of pre-Hitler? Pete Duel shot himself at 31 yesterday.
My nerves are on edge! Relax, Janet. Calm yourself. Remember the star-cross, the center – one breath, one moment. I don’t want it to be a moment. I want it to be forever. I don’t want to die – that blackness – that ending = that it is over! I am afraid. And, anxious! What is it like, Peter Duel? What is it like? I want to cry and cry and cry and cry.
Oh, Ira [Progoff], how wonderful you have been for me! I would like to shout it to the rooftops. But I want somebody to hear. I want somebody to come. I want my shouting to matter, to be productive and what if it is not? Then, I will be a failure and deflating success. The pomp and circumstance will be gone and only I am left with my methods and my procedures and myself to live life as best I can from one staggering moment to the next. The unknown does not have to be fearful, just expectant. Something in me is dying. I am experiencing a death. The pomp and circumstance of my childhood is passing. I am one of the carrots. There are lots of flowers but also a few carrots. It is important to say, to state every time I am in a horrid place – really deal with it and state how it feels and keep saying it, and it will move on and reverse itself. No one will understand. No one can understand. A wound will heal IF I first recognize the wound and release the need for an end or a result. Golda said, “Don’t talk about the dogs. Have the patience to wait. Don’t rush toward experiences. Fully experience them.” Think of it as a rose, or an unfolding rose. I am excited about life and the future. Forget guilt and allow experiences to happen.’”
I fully expect this post to be misunderstood. This is NOT my thinking today. But, I am just discovering that we were trained as children to cover up the truth. And, I think it is important for all of us to be aware of that fact as we continue to cover up the truth. I know all of this is more than any of you want to know. But I am in the last years of my long, wonderful, fully-lived life. And, I need to write these things down.
For the record, I promise to return to photographs and events and memes and cartoons, but I am experiencing a lot of introspection in my “creative cave” here in the 6e in Paris. If not now, when?