Today is the 16th anniversary of my marriage to Steve Orlandella.  We booked a weekend at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas.  Everything about that weekend was fun.  But I am not prepared to write about that today.  He died from heart failure on August 31, 2016, after having been treated in the hospital for double pneumonia.  Very similar to an early case of the Covid-19 today.  I cannot tell you the effect that his unexpected death has had on me ever since.  I have been surprised at the way I have handled things.  Not good.  I constantly must tell myself positive things.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes not.

So today, I am going to tread water and post memes that have helped me. Possibly some of you are suffering too. Maybe something I post will help you. Or, maybe not. I hope so. THIS IS NOT THE WAY I THOUGHT LIFE FOR ME WOULD BE ONCE I GOT TO PARIS. But, my plan is not working …… yet.

The même/post below is important to me. I suffer with several of them. But, it is not easy growing old and dealing with health issues in a place (foreign country) where I don’t speak the language. Yet, I am happy I wake up in Paris each morning. In France and in the USA, I had friendships that have ended – or not; I have lost (sorta) my legal and acting communities in Los Angeles where I had built a reputation for myself; I miss the certainty that I once had; I question my judgment; I have let go of who I once was; I often feel lost and unanchored; and I question my familiar traditions of the past. I tell myself daily that I am open to letting go and loving myself and accepting myself with all of my imperfections and changes. And, most times, it works. Yet, I grieve….. (read) ……

I don’t think it is too late for me to change, grow, and transform. I am definitely outside of my comfort zone.

And, now that we feel better (sigh), remember to laugh often. It is important. Here are two cartoons that I find funny (sorta).

As you can see, I don’t have answers – only a lot of questions. I continue to be hopeful that clarity will come. And, I will keep on keeping on. And, for the closer,…….

Remember, we are all digging up negative conditioning. At least , I am. So, look for the green light, take a deep breath, and GO for it. There will be bluebirds over the white cliffs of dover —- tomorrow, just you wait and see. What have you got to loose? Change will happen whether we like it or not. As Steve would say, “If you want to make God smile, tell him YOUR plans.”

Best, Jay



Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.


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