Well, this was the week from Hell and back.  I am reeling from shock about “better days ahead” and trying to understand what just happened. In addition, I have had a cold (not Covid) all week.  On antibiotics. With Laryngitis. I don’t know where to start.  This may be a two-parter because I have so much that I want to say. I am still in survival mode.

First, a word about JAYSPEAK stats – as of today, my blog that I began in Nice in 2016 after Steve died, now has had over 48,100 views from over 45 countries in the world.  I have had over 13,200 visitors and written 324 posts.  My average words a post have been 816.  I am astounded by those stats.  I just write my thoughts about some random thought or other – whatever pops into my mind.  Thanks, Guys and Girls.  And, today, I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind.  Today’s popping thought –

In 2017, I met a woman at a luncheon at the Wisdom Café.  We hit it off immediately and started having lunch at a favorite restaurant in Nice.  We “spoke the same language” and laughed a lot at our similar histories in life. It helped to have a friendly face as I was still in disbelief at Steve’s untimely death-too-soon.  Meme that applies –

She told me that she believes in the “Duck” theory on things. You know, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, IT IS A DUCK. (Law School 101). She is not a lawyer. She is a leader in neuroscience and does lectures all over the world. I, of course, asked her what she meant, and she told me that she found that most people don’t understand things the way she does because most people are ducks. She said the problem with me is that I am not a duck. I AM A BLACK SWAN. Ugh. That sounds not good. She then explained that I am different from most people, even other swans. That that makes me need to be alone a lot because not many people understand what I am trying to say. That made sense to me


I came to Paris for one reason and plan to move back to Nice for lots of reasons. I wanted to go back to Georgia, but that is not going to work. Several reasons. You don’t need to know those reasons.

Bottom Line – I cannot afford Paris. For some reason, I am meant to stay in France. SO, Paris is too expensive for me because I am on a monthly budget and retired and alone. I cannot afford to move back to the USA. So, I must stay in France. I can afford a studio in Nice. It is a good thing that I like France. I have made the decision to return to Nice at some point and then to remain in Nice and not return to the USA. I will simplify and find a way to afford myself. It may take me several months to get there – maybe a year or so. That is the Plan, anyway.

I will learn the language. I want to do it soon, while I can still manage the train. Or hire a driver. I have friends in Nice. So, that is the decision that I have made. I am as shocked as you are. That is NOT the decision I planned to make. That is the Default decision. I am still in Chapter 10 and I am not ready to go into a retirement facility because it is too soon. Save me from “well-meaning people”. But, at least in Nice, I have friends who give a shit. And I am open to making a new life there. It will be fun! I expect to thrive. I plan to heal.

Today, my shock and awe and hurt are overwhelming. Time will heal. It always does. There is always light. So that is my decision because France has better healthcare than the USA. Plus a lot of other reasons. I have been abruptly reminded and now remember why I chose and moved to France in the first place. But Steve was with me. I wasn’t alone. And, I am not dead yet. So I need help. And trustworthy friends.

Paris was a complication and wonderful. A lot of snags for me. But, now it is time to simplify. I am still getting used to the idea. Daddy was right “Rough Seas make Good Sailors”. That is the decision that I am putting into action and subject to change without notice. I have already begun the search for a “studio” in Nice. Simplifying . Flexible plan.

Best, Jay, stay tuned.



Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.

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