On My Mind this 4th of December…… I am pondering how I want to justify to myself, and to you, my strong feelings about friends who are no longer “friends” and I miss them. Best friends? I thought we were. Well, we know that facts are not feelings. They don’t even « pretend « to be caring. The problem is that I miss them. And this week I am treading water because I poured out my heart last week.
I know that I should let it go, but I don’t want to. I liked it better when people pretended to be my friend. I don’t like this blatant honesty of distance, this “true colors”. Especially at Christmas. People used to be civil to each other. At least, I thought they did. Mutual respect. I liked that the Wizard of Oz was a belief. They believed he was real. And that was fun. I liked the yellow brick road. And, at 84, the reality is that my memories are all I will have until I don’t anymore. So, it seems to me that it is better to pretend than to just walk away. I don’t like to walk away.
I have my fantasy of a two-story townhouse on a tree-lined street in Paris with a staff. And a garden with a gardener. And, all of my children with their significant others are upstairs in bedrooms, and all of us at a table in the dining area eating a meal together, and being respectful to each other. Hey, I can dream, can’t I? I can dream anything I want to. And I want to believe that fantasy. That thought makes me happy. And, being happy helps my physical condition. I think that is a fact. Make up your own dreams.
So, I collect pictures and memes from Facebook. And I pretend a lot – Actress that I am. Hey, there are a lot of us living alone without someone special in our lives, who don’t paint or are dealing with something or other. I used to watch the news. But, the news is terrifying. So, I plan to enjoy Christmas movies and comedies for this month. And pretend “as if” I have all the people still in my life that I have loved over the years. I “thought” we were friends and that meant something. To me it did. But, not to another. Facades. Spinning a yarn.
No, I have not lost my mind. But, I am alive.. I am dealing with brain strokes that come and go. So, I am finding ways to have fun in this apartment. During a Pandemic. With vertigo. So here are some No Comment Commentaries.