I have started writing at random and so I will post something at random. There will be no rhyme or reason to it. Today’s post is random. I plan to start another session and want to get this one up on JAYSPEAK. I enjoy doing it, and I am following the joy. And, it is dedicated to love.

“The quality of mercy” is a speech given by Portia in William Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice (Act 4, Scene 1). In the speech, Portia, disguised as a lawyer, begs Shylock to show mercy to Antonio. The speech extols the power of mercy, “an attribute to God Himself.” The quality of mercy is not strained.

Portia speaks in Act 4, Scene 1 of Shakespearean comedy, “The Merchant of Venice.”The quality of mercy is not strained;

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven

Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest;

It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:

‘T is mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes

The throned monarch better than his crown:

His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,

The attribute to awe and majesty,

Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;

But mercy is above this sceptred sway;

It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings,

It is an attribute to God himself;

And earthly power doth then show likest God’s

When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew,

Though justice be thy plea, consider this,

That, in the course of justice, none of us

Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy;

And that same prayer doth teach us all to render

The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much

To mitigate the justice of thy plea;

Which if thou follow, this strict court of Venice

Must needs give sentence ‘gainst the merchant there.”

I spent time in my birthday book this morning because my family and a lot of my friends have birthdays coming up for the next few months including me.  I want to give myself reminders.  No problem. I have everything on the refrigerator and at my desk on my daily guide.  And I am adding to my book every day.  I now have a mishmash of 71 pages with a working title of “The Black Swan’s Song “. or TBSS”. 

And I continue with my work releasing resentments , criticism, guilt, and fear.  I usually wake up with fear and need to work on that immediately. And this morning I woke up with Portia’s speech in my head.  I love that speech and wanted to play her in the University of Georgia’s main stage production but I did not get the part. I memorized it anyway and performed it as a scene from time to time.  There were three of us lead actresses in our Drama Department and another girl got that part.  I got Juno in Sean O’Casey’s “Juno and the Paycock”.  Wonderful years in graduate school. Mornings are better than afternoons so I do important things in the morning, if possible.  I love breakfast and my cereal with blueberries. 

I am also watching SAG movies on my Eurobox at dinner time because I have a lot of included movies and I always vote on the SAG AWARDS.   I watched CODA and THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE and KING RICHARD and five more.  I am amazed at the quality of the work. I am so proud of my colleagues. THE MORNING SHOW was good and HALSTON.  I won’t watch the awards because of the time difference but I will read about it online.  And watch bits and pieces on social media.

I had a rough night last night. I woke up very negative and forced myself to positive. I was thinking about people who bother me. And my irritation with people who hold grudges for a lifetime. Even perceived grudges. Hearsay grudges. The reason for the grudge does not have to be true. I used to think that was a southern thing but now I think it is a human thing the world over.  Portia’s speech speaks today. Shakespeare- whoever he really was- was an amazing, insightful person.  But, I want to talk about grudges. They seem to run through my family and my friends and many associates. HMMMMM. A recurring theme through my life. Is Life trying to teach me something? I have heard lots of people talk about people who don’t talk to them anymore. Distance yourself? What if you prefer the relationship?

Grudges, – For example, after my sister’s death, my niece posted something I did not think was appropriate about my brother in law on Facebook. I objected when I could have ignored it. I spoke up. She told me to mind my own business. I got angry and unfriended her. I got over it and apologized and tried to ré friend her. No. Holding a grudge? I think so. Does that tell me something ? About social media? My family ? My niece? How to behave ? Do I forgive and forget? Hold à family grudge? Another family grudge? I prefer the relationship.

I have several friends who don’t speak to me anymore because I wrote a journal and mentioned something about my thoughts about life and them in it. I don’t think they even read the book. Gossip was all that mattered. I was told that I must never name names. I did it anyway.  What does that teach me? Several more lifetime grudges? Does it matter? Fictional names? I prefer the relationship.

And I have managed to make enemies by expressing my thoughts. And all that happened before Donald Trump and Fox News.That was before people wrote blogs.  And people in my past said what they said and did what they did and I felt what I felt and it is what it is. 

Steve never held a grudge.  Ever.  He always got over things. But, if he decided to leave, he was gone forever. I learned good lessons from him. I miss him.  I treasured our relationship. I have a girlfriend Barbara who is the same way. I treasure our relationship.

I miss my people holding lifelong grudges. But I am still hoping to resume relationships in the future.  Maybe. Who knows? I think that friendships are more important than grudge. But, I may be wrong. What do you think? It is easy to distance myself. But, I hope I am wrong. I am not saying to forget. Of course, you don’t forget. But, move on. Or Grow up! Is that being grown up is?

“No one is ever free until they tell the truth about themselves and the life into which they’ve been cast. Write it down; tell it to a friend in need, or a stranger who needs diversion. We are all here to be a witness to something, to be of some aid and direction to other people.”–Tennessee Williams #FolliesOfGod

Best, Jay




Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.

2 thoughts on “RANDOM RAMBLING

  1. My best friend didn’t speak to me for 20 years. I grieved for the first few years, but then the busyness of life took my mind off the situation. Now we are best friends again. What did I learn? Stay busy and accept what happens. Don’t expect your happiness to depend on anybody but yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a good thought. Yes. I have let it go but I wish it was different. thanks for letting me know that a good thing happened for you


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