Some days I am 100 percent in the USA . This week I was in Texas. I don’t like Texas. Never did. I have to remind myself that I live in Paris. Not glamorous like it sounds but alive still waking up in the mornings. I AM YOUNG AT HEART and have brain strokes and memories of my life and loves that are very selective. . And I am loving myself anyway and I now understand why my children have problems with me. And saying that I am sorry doesn’t do it. How could it? Okay, I don’t like what I did, but Life is giving me another chance. Good. At least today.

(The sound of one hand clapping)

No response?  Non-response is a powerful response and when people tell who they are – believe them.  I WANT TO wipe my slate clean.  And the butterfly goes into action OVER AND OVER AND OVER……

Chaos theory is sometimes known as ‘the butterfly effect,’ a term coined in an attempt to explain how small actions in a dynamic system like the atmosphere could trigger vast and unexpected changes. Edward Norton Lorenz, born in West Hartford, Connecticut, in 1917. He started out as a mathematician but turned to meteorology during World War II. In an attempt to explain why it’s so difficult to make a long-range weather forecast, he spawned chaos theory, one of the 20th century’s most revolutionary scientific ideas. He discovered the effect in the early 1960s while entering values into a computer weather prediction program; instead of entering the number to the full six decimal places, he rounded it to three to save time, and the resulting weather pattern was completely different. He first framed it as the effect a seagull’s wing has on the formation of a hurricane, but he changed it to the more poetic butterfly in his 1972 presentation, ‘Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas?’ Though the term dates back to 1972, the concept actually predates Lorenz’s discovery. Science fiction writers had been playing around with the idea for several years in their time-travel stories: Usually the hero goes back in time and makes some seemingly insignificant choice that ends up changing the course of history.”

Does it matter that my story is different from yours and your facts are different from mine but I thought of myself FIRST and it took money TO DO WHAT I WANTED TO DO, so I kept it and used it on private schools and trips for all of us AND – EXPENSES. Besides, I did not trust them. i am learning how to love. Is it too late?

Afraid ? Me. Too. So, refocus your energy and find that damn pony asap. BE THAT RENAISSANCE WOMAN. WHAT????? Or man?

Definition of Renaissance woman: a woman who is interested in and knows a lot about many things.

My grandchildren will probably see me as an old crone, if at all. Actually, they don’t acknowledge my existence. A woman who lives in another country and who may or may not still be alive. They will not know how I strived. They will not know of my grinding and will only see a few mere fruits of my earlier days’ work: – my books, my journals. Or nothing. Is it OKAY that they don’t know of much of my striving? Does any of this matter to anyone else?

And does it matter if it doesn’t matter?

Wellllll. I DO exist! I matter to me! I am in France. I don’t live in the USA. And, at any age, I look for ponies. I have ALWAYS done that . And money is front and center – STILL. So, I am looking for a pony because that butterfly is working overtime. I AM WORKING ON ‘”LOVE”

SO, this is my Plan. 

I want a big house on a tree-lined street in an excellent neighborhood in Paris or Brittany or Normandy– WITH A STAFF. A car with a driver; a chef and a cook; a caretaking couple; a garden with a gardener; a working fireplace; 2 dogs named Missy and Laurel and 2 cats names Tigger and Chipper. Fresh flowers on all tables and real wood and real brass. A Steinway pian in excellent shape; and guest rooms for friends and family.

You are trailing a beautiful pathway through this life.

An invisible, star-bright network of you.

All the times you touch the hearts of others –

are stars on that trail.

Every time you smile, 

give advice, 

show kindness –


all of them.

Your twinkly star-bright galaxy of you,

is growing every day,

reaching places that you have not even been to. 

But your energy has. 

In your words or your actions.

You’re snaking a shimmering path full of love, joy sincerity, kindness, companionship, loyalty and you-ness.

All over the place.

And you don’t even see it.

If you could, 

you would be mesmerised,

Sometimes, you want something to work out so badly, but remember ‘ you CAN NOT fit a square peg into a round hole’, so you just have to LET GO 🎈& MOVE ON to better things that ARE GOOD FOR YOU!! ( For Your Highest Good!!) … So EMBRACE THE NEW & give thanks for the LESSON you have been taught and also the BLESSINGS it has also brought you, such as Inner Change & Growth! No experience is ever wasted, it serves a PURPOSE and you will ALWAYS find a HIDDEN GEM 💎 within it!! 🙏🥰♥️✨🎈🕊☯️
NB. ANYTHING AT ALL IS POSSIBLE WITH The infinite intelligence.!🙏🕊💖💡☯️😇✨🦋⭐️🌈💎




Published by jjaywmac

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is a retired attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Paris, France. She is a member of the California Bar and selected to the 2018, 2019, 2020 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1, Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2, The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy, Moments in Time, Capturing Beauty, JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur, and Janet Tallulah.


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