Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2018
RE: Christmas Party
I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on 23 December starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We will have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And do not be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus.
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
___________________Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2018
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we are calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Are you happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
___________________Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2018
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you did not sign your name.
I am happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads ‘AA Only’ you would not be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange.
Gifts will no longer be allowed because the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little stingy.REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
___________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2018
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours, begins on 20 December.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees’ beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little aluminum foil doggy bag.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I have arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.
The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything???
Patty
___________________Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 5, 2018
RE: The Holiday Party
I have had it with you vegetarian pricks! We are going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you a**holes like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, and you will get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I have heard them scream. I am hearing them scream RIGHT NOW!
The rest of you perishing weirdos can kiss my a**.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die.
Patty
___________________Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, A CTING Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2018
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I am sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I will continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23 rd off with full pay.
So ‘F*** the lot of You and Happy Whatever’!
JoanBest, Jay
JAYSPEAK 