JAYSPEAK

BLACK SWAN RISING…..

One day in Nice, a friend and I were having lunch. I commented that I oftentimes have difficulty communicating with other people because most people don’t seem to “get” what I mean. They think they do, but they don’t. So, I just let things go and feel like I have been misunderstood. She said to me that I was having difficulty because most people are “ducks”, and I cannot relate because I am not a “duck”. Ewwwww, that did not sound so good. So, I asked her what I was, she said she would have to think about it.

That night, she emailed me that I was a “Black Swan”. I said that sounded ominous. Evil, thinking about “Swan Lake”. What about a white swan? She said, “No. A beautiful Black Swan.” OK, I decided that maybe that meant I am “special”. Right! Everyone thinks he/she is special. But, a “Black” swan? How could a black swan be a good thing and “special? I did not argue and decided to go with it. (This post is dedicated to my good friend Cynthia!!)

At that point, I looked for pictures of black swans. I found some beautiful photographs, but they all were “subject to copyright”, so I looked it up on Wikipedia. This says it is part of Free Media, so I hope it is. A Beautiful Black Swan rising……. Credit to the photographers – unknown.

The black swan is a large waterbird, a species of swan which breeds mainly in the southeast and southwest regions of Australia. Within Australia they are nomadic, with erratic migration patterns dependent upon climatic conditions. Black swans are large birds with mostly black plumage and red bills. Wikipedia

Frankly, I was so hoping that I would feel a great sense of relief and peace after I made this move- going back to the place it all started – 62 years ago. Oops. Not happening, yet. It’s a brave thing I’ve done, and it will take time before I build a support system here, but I am strong and resourceful! I am trying to be patient with myself. But, if I had to analyze it in my own special Jungian way, this is how it goes…….This is NOT to be taken literally. Strictly metaphorically, please! Do you know Carl Jung? Look him up!

This period of time is a period of traumatic change. My entire lifestyle is changing – again! My life is expanding, and I am growing in width and depth. Dynamic people and events are meeting me head-on. I have new ideas. I am meeting new people. I have new thoughts; I have a new morality. I have new belief in God. And they are all hitting me so rapidly that I am stunned. My life is opening. I am being called to show up. I am being tested – career-wise, strength-wise, and now, in and outside of my home. I am afraid; I feel weak; I feel it is too much all at once. I cannot believe the things I hear myself saying, the people that I am talking to, and the places I find myself going. I am on the brink of something and I don’t know what it is. I feel apprehension of the unknown, the black void ahead of me. I am trying to handle everything, and I am afraid that I won’t know how. I am in the middle of what I have helped to set in motion, and I don’t know from whence comes my drive, my motivation. I find it hard to believe that it is happening to me. I hear deep sighs with a feeling of fantasy. It is unreal, yet real.

Image: I go down my well and see a torrent of water filled with rocks – big rocks.

I get swept up in it. I kick and scream and fight as it sweeps me along. I fight until I have no strength left and finally lie battered on a small beach – exhausted. All fight is gone from me. Helen (my Spirit Guide, NOT Helen Mirren -haha) comes to me and says, “Come, Jay. Everything is all right. It is time to go to the next thing.” I let her take me by the hand and lead me away. I go without fighting – accepting the fact that I have to go.

There is no need resisting. Image: I am standing too close to a target while throwing balls into it. It is rubber and the balls bounce past me to the right side and grow larger as they go out and away. I keep throwing more balls. It is as if the balls are going out on a mission and I am sending them out. Image: I am pounding on a smooth rock with my fists, screaming NO as I pound down with vehemence. As I pound, a beautiful city arises to my left. The buildings glisten and are bright – a beautiful city – just to my left and not too far away. I am amazed that it has arisen without my noticing and thinks that I cannot see the good things happening because of my own resistance.

Now, The Open Moment: I sense an easing of pain with moments of clarity; I have a feeling of worth. There is movement, growth, and dynamic action. All signals are on GO. Image: I see a traffic signal and the light is green. Never have I had so much opportunity before me – knowledge, friends, talent, health, some money, love, compassion, and understanding. The door is open. Now, I must walk through. God is on my side. I must let go and let God. I feel an exciting apprehension. One cannot lose a 14-year life (with Steve) without a retch! Have the courage and the faith to walk through this open door. Image: I see an open door. I will put into my life art, plants, flowers, music, philosophy, friends, dance, beauty, children, love, and health. My problems with my knees will solve themselves in time. Dr. Boni said to make a decision: decide not to decide at this time. That in itself is a decision. As far as my body is concerned, I feel leaden, heavy and lifeless, wanting to sleep, not wanting to try, resisting, making small attempts, desiring to stop, to be still. I fear that I will have no life force; I feel as if I have been drugged. I feel bent with my head down and nauseated with my head up. I am an ostrich – yet heavy like a turtle – stuck in mud. I am resting on my solar plexus. My conflict is whether to try to do the work of the moment or to sleep. I feel something heavy on my chest, with clutched fists and movement in my pelvis and my back. My limbs are refusing to move. I feel small life beginning in my toes. I am withdrawing, and absolved in pain and lifeless feeling. I feel irritation at others’ vital movements – I want to sleep. I need a good kick in the pants to quit feeling sorry for myself. There are young, cute, and aware people here. Yet, I have an inability to snap out of my subconscious state. My mind is spinning round and round. I am lost in images of the past. I open my hands. I let the old life pass out while closing out others. It is a funny world.

This is my metaphysical “grip”. I like it, anyway. It And, this is how I find it all makes sense. To me, anyway. Hopefully, it makes sense to my readers. By now, you all know that I operate on multiple levels, simultaneously. And to anyone I have offended, feel free to stop reading my blog. At least, I am not obsessing about the news and getting sick… Don’t try to fix me. I am not broken.

So, here we go……. and tossing aside all superstition. What did Jung say about superstition? Anyone know?

Best, Jay Stay tuned…….

RANDOM RAMBLINGS IN PARIS

Today, I am going to ramble and try to clarify my thinking at the same time. I have now been in Paris for three weeks and three days. I cannot begin to tell you all that has happened during that time. A LOT. I have solved problem after problem, some successfully, others not so successfully. But, for the most part, I have settled in for the long haul. I have a too expensive doctor who speaks English, was trained in Canada, and works outside of the French Health Care System. She has referred me to three specialists, two of whom also work outside of the System. That doesn’t mean they are better; it means they are expensive. I am still trying to find a General Practitioner who works within the System.

I still don’t have WIFI. I am working off of Hotspot. I have subscribed to Orange, and it requires fiber. The apartment has fiber, but the Orange technicians cannot find who has the key to the box containing the fiber acess. They are hoping that the “Sandic “(Homeowners Association) has it. Good luck with that one. I may not have WIFI for a while now. That means I have no television. (With all that is going on in the news, that may not be a bad thing.)

I have unpacked all of the boxes. I have a good pharmacy. A market (Monoprix) is close by. I have met friends and like going out at night again. (In Nice, I stopped going out at night. (long story)

I am on a tight budget. Everyone seems to walk better than I do. I still have a lot of back pain and need the cane. The cat has settled down.

There is a very small hot water heater in the apartment, and I cannot take a hot bath. Not enough hot water. The piano fits. I don’t dare play it. (long story).

The bed is a sofa-bed and comfortable. The kitchen is small. There is a dishwasher and a good washing machine. I have made the table into a desk for me. There is not much light in the apartment because it is on the ground floor with bars on the two windows, thus I use a lot of electricity when I am here to lighten things up. The ceilings are high which makes it feel more spacious but difficult to change light bulbs or use top shelves.

There is a lot of world outside the door: The Cluny Museum; Cafes galore; the Sorbonne; the Odeon; tree-lined streets; nooks and crannies; Paris; the Seine; Montmartre; the Luxemburg Gardens; and more.

I have ventured only so far. For the most part, I am going where I need to go – the hairdresser; the Pharmacy; the grocery store; breakfast, lunch, get in an Uber, to get out of an Uber, to go to the doctor or Office Depot or to light candles at the Abbey. Everything is a challenge. It all hurts. Plus, I have some minor physical problems that could be fixed with time and money. It ALL takes money. I am being very careful with my money. I must. I have a limited supply. Moving anywhere takes time and money. It is same the world over. It is not easy or quick to move and set up shop in another place. Paris is no different than moving from one town to another.. Welll=llllllllll, maybe a little. To be honest about it, I have gotten the life-boost that I wanted when I decided to move from Nice to Paris. That is the good news. I just wish I had more stamina and felt better. But I am here. And, it looks like I am here to stay until I leave to move wherever – another apartment, another town, another country. And, none of us know when that will be. For now, I am in an excellent area and positioned to go and do. I am motivated to get better. I am excited about the future. Paris in the Spring. WOW. What fun!

Oh, meanwhile……. Tomorrow is my daughter Trascey’s 62nd birthday.

I Look forward to celebrating it with her in spirit in my own way here in Paris – where it all began so many years ago. (Long story) Please join me in saying a prayer for her. Thank you in advance.

Best, Jay

ST-GERMAIN-DES-PRES

Talk about stumbling through antiquity, I wandered into a “church” to light my February candles for my family. The “church” was going through a lot of reconstruction, so I made my way to the candles, paid my fees, said my prayers, and lit my candles and took a picture to remind me of February blessings for my immediate family. February holds Mark’s birthday on the 14^th and Trascey’s birthday on the 23^rd. And, I need help with everything. This morning, I discovered what “church” I was in. The “church”, the oldest in Paris, and the abbatial palace are all that remain of the famous Benedictine Abbey. Just call me Mr. McGoo! Remember him?

A tad of history – In 542, King Childebert, son of Clovis, on his return from Spain with a piece of the True Cross and St. Vincent’s tunic, had a monastery built in the open field (prés) to shelter the relics. He was buried in the church as were subsequent members of his line until King Dagobert (639) who is buried in St-Denis-Cathedral. Also interred here in 576 is St. Germanus, Bishop of Paris, after who the church had taken its name of St-Germain-des-Prés or St. Germanus in the Fields. The monastery has had a lot of remodels and remodels of remodels over the years.

The interior is not large because it was built as a Monastery chapel. I took pictures but I did not know what all of it meant. I just knew that it was beautiful with impressive columns and artwork. So, I could give you a lot of history, but we both find that difficult to fathom. And, there were tombs of names that meant nothing to me. I apologize for not knowing all the ins and outs, but I have had difficulty all my life with appreciating a lot of historical details. I remember what an impressive structure it was, the quiet serenity I felt sitting there, the feeling of peace I felt lighting those candles, the musty smell of the walls, the reverence of the other people in there with me, the reconstruction taking place, the alter, and the light coming in the windows. I did not know where I was, but I knew it was special. And, I knew that it had been special in the lives of many people. Pictures by me…..

Don’t look to me for a lot of historical details. You won’t get them. I am more of a touchy – feely kind of person. I want to see it, touch it, smell it, feel it. Walk in its interior. Pray to its symbols. Hear its sounds. For the facts, go to Wikipedia. I was reading a Michelin Tourist Guide to Paris. My impressions. That is what I like to write about. That is what I like to read.

Actually, I had gone on a mission to find the local branch to my bank – HSBC – to change my address. After that was done, I wanted to go to Les Deux Maggots for breakfast. It is famous for where intellectuals and artists meet. ME!!!!! I did not see anyone who looked like an intellectual or an artist. But I had a good (expensive!) breakfast. Then, as I was leaving, I walked by that “church”, thinking “I need to light my February candles for my family. I went into a Café and used their bathroom and decided to go back to the “church” to light my candles. Now, how uninformed is that!!!!!! Besides, it was a pretty day. Chilly, but nice.

Also, some pictures of my expensive breakfast with non-intellectuals and non-artists. Haha! But, I recommend it as an interesting place to meet friends. Good food and good service and nice ambience.

Here is the ONE intellectual artist!! Without hair and makeup!!!! (Just kidding….)

Best, JAY (STAY TUNED…..)

“Pick Yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again…..”

Here’s to those who still believe, here’s to the losers, bless them all. Here’s to the winners all of us can be! Thank you, Frank Sinatra. What beautiful music you made for all of us.

This is Day 17. So, I have been here a little over two weeks. And, a LOT has happened since I last wrote in Jayspeak. I solved a lot of my problems and still have two boxes to open. But, all of it is good. The best thing is that I know now that I made the right decision to move here from Nice. The energy here is better for me. That is my big draw. It is not the beauty of the City (and Paris has beauty every where I look, but so did Nice). It is DEFINITELY not the weather. (ha-ha) It is the energy of being in a big city that I find helpful. It motivates me to go places and do things. I am sure all of my lethargy (see also, depression) was tied to the debilitating two knee operations that I had in Nice. Whatever. Now, I have to use energy and shoulder strength to open the front door to this building!! It is VERY heavy. I have to walk, even if I would rather take a bus to get somewhere if I knew where the busses were going. Haha. I don’t. But, if I did, I need a pass and I have yet to get one. All in good time. So, today, I am going to (try to) be positive about my current state of being.

As you know, I am active on social media (Facebook, Instagram and Twitter). I have mainly been posting pictures of me in restaurants. But most of my time I have spent building my foundation. Getting things settled in this Studio. My base is important to me. And, I have wanted to get Missy less frightened. I am making headway. Things are moving in that direction. Also, I have wanted to get my refrigerator stocked with things like mustard, catsup, mayonnaise, jam and butter. I unloaded all of that in Nice in order to lighten my load. So, slowly, I am stocking the cupboard. Also, I have two freezers here, one small and one a little larger. So, I am exploring frozen items for those last-minute extras. I have found a good bakery (Paul’s) that I like for croissants and quiches. And, I have located a good Pharmacy. That is what I mean by building my foundation. Doctors and Dentists, all to come. Most addresses have been changed, not all.

As far as the Studio goes, it got me here and is exactly what I need for now. Here are a few pictures.

Restaurants I have tried usually were close by. Also, I would go off-hours so I chose places that were open when I got hungry. Usually, I got a meal. A few times I would get breakfast only. I have not yet begun cooking in the Studio. Soon.

Le Lutese, Brasserie Balzar, Restaurante Del Arte, Le Deux Magots, Le Select, Bouillon Racine, and other places I visited – The Shakespeare Company, and Abby of Saint Germain des Pres. I took pictures at every one and have posted on Facebook and Instagram. Not usually on Twitter. Too numerous to post in this blog. I am providing links to the restaurants for those who are interested. Here are a few pictures at random.

unnamed — **ABBY OF SAINT GERMAIN DES PRES**

unnamed-14 — **BRASSERIE BALZAR “SELFIE”**

Just know that I am very glad I am here. So far, in my two weeks+, I have had lunch with a new friend “Maggi”, and cocktails with a group of new friends, called “Le Salon”. They meet every Wednesday. See picture below!!

Stay tuned……

Best, Jay

PARIS BEGINNING – FIRST TEN DAYS!

For as long as I can remember, I have thought to myself, I will figure this out! And, I would figure whatever it was – out, no matter the consequence. I did not think there existed many situations or problems that I could not figure out some kind of solution. Resourceful? Maybe. Maybe foolhardy. Most of the time, my solution would be to tell the truth when those beside me would be lying, no matter the consequences. And I would get in trouble, NOT the liars!!! And, I am still doing that – to this day!!! You would think that by now, I would learn to lie. Haha. Nope, still telling the truth and thinking “I will figure this out.”

This move to Paris has not gone smoothly. It did at first. Then, it blew up in my face. It did not have to be this difficult. What do I mean? More communication would have helped. The WIFI did not work. The electricity was not handled properly and was needlessly was turned off on Saturday night at midnight in 42-degree weather in an all-electric apartment with an almost dead iPhone (that needed charging ). There was literally no empty drawer for ANY of my things. The cat was terrified. So was I. What was my response to No WIFI, no power, no food, no nothing? (Each one has a story of what had happened.) “Calm down. We will figure this out.” I did not know anyone to call for help, much less speak the language required. That is when I thought, “I am flying without a net.” Get a grip!

I got a grip. Early morning, I rented a hotel room across the street. I needed heat (to get warm) and to get electricity (to charge my phone. I needed to think. Plus, it was Sunday. No one was doing much of anything but dining, if that. It was raining. One by one, I began to figure things out. I bought 2 candles and bought matches. I charged my iPhone and used hotspot for the internet. I – one by one – started emptying drawers (EVERY SPACE WAS FILLED WITH SOMETHING) and boxing up that stuff to make room for me – for my clothes and other small items. I got an area in the kitchen and in the bathroom so that I could use them. Each day, I did as much as I could to move forward. I was exhausted and on overload, but it worked. I called one of the Paris movers and ask for help on Thursday morning moving things into a cellar. I got my “office” up and running. I went to the grocery store. I ate one meal a day. I introduced myself to a neighbor and the mailman. I put my name on the mailbox. My own WIFI will be installed on Tuesday. The cat is another problem. I am also having to figure out her problems. Ugh. And, I am not that good at cat problems. Ugh.

The good news – I am here. In Paris, where I have wanted to be since my second year of college at the University of Wisconsin. I was 19. I am in the arrondissement (6^th) that I wanted to be in and did not think I could afford. And, I am still young enough to realize where I am and what is happening with some good years ahead of me. I feel very blessed. I am very glad to be gone from Nice. It was not good for me. Beauty alone is not enough. For me, anyway. I need the energy of a city to keep me vital and “trying to figure things out”. Believe it or not, I feel younger here. I have energy. I have enthusiasm. I said to a friend over lunch today that “the day I stop trying to figure things out is the day I will have given up.” I hope that doesn’t happen for a good while yet. As Mama Dorough would say “just keep waking up. Just keep breathing. Just keep trying to figure things out. I have a story. We all do. Will our stories will go untold? Will my children ever know my story? Or care? I doubt it. I don’t know Mother’s story. I don’t know Daddy’s story. I know some things, but I don’t know their story. I am still thinking about that one.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, I try to avoid political posts, but I don’t always succeed. I am sure you know that by now. Especially since I was an avid plaintiff’s Employment Law attorney for 20 years before I retired. But my passion is working overtime right now. When I read this opinion, it says what is in my heart. My way of figuring this out. I am not sure who wrote it or where. I just researched it – a writer for NPR news in Boston WBUR, name is Steve Almond. Thanks to the author. To those I am offending, I don’t apologize. It all goes to character. I know that Daddy would agree. I don’t know about Mother

“By the time you read this, the Senate will have acquitted President Trump of the articles of impeachment lodged against him, with only one GOP senator, Mitt Romney, voting to convict.

We’ve known this result was coming for weeks, and known, too, that the defendant was guilty. House managers presented overwhelming evidence that Trump sought to extort Ukraine, a vulnerable ally, to smear Joe Biden, and thus cheat in the 2020 election, that he used his office, and taxpayer money, to do so, then obstructed the investigation into this scheme.

As is so often the case with this president, he not only confessed to these crimes, he bragged about committing them in public. … the only way to battle nihilism, which is the belief in nothing, is with belief in something.

A number of Republican “jurors” admitted that the House proved its case. Their rationale was not that the president was innocent, but that his guilt didn’t matter. And that, in a nutshell, is the most upsetting aspect of this regime — the prevailing attitude that nothing matters: that every act of corruption, every lie, every calculated cruelty, every indecent remark, can be excused, rationalized, shrugged off. He brags about sexually assaulting women and mocks the disabled? He incites violence among his supporters? He demonizes immigrants and allies and cuddles up to white supremacists and dictators? He rips families apart at the border, and has kids put in cages? He calls climate change a hoax and empowers polluters? He nakedly profits off his presidency? Who cares?

The crisis we now face is not just that the leader of our nation does these things, but that so few within his party will hold him accountable. The 2016 election revealed that our electoral system was sufficiently flawed (see: the Electoral College, voter suppression, foreign interference), that our population was sufficiently apathetic and aggrieved, and that our fourth estate was sufficiently profit-driven, to allow a brazenly corrupt demagogue to claim the White House. The ensuing years have accelerated the degradation of our collective moral standards, the ways in which our media and political classes have either ignored, or normalized, the ruinous policies and propaganda and illegal conduct of an administration that functions, openly, as part of a transnational crime syndicate.

It is this monstrous nihilism that yanks me awake in the middle of the night. And we have just witnessed, in real-time, the logical endpoint of that nihilism: the public desecration of our Constitution, by Trump and his minions. Mitch McConnell just handed a power-drunk bully the keys to the liquor cabinet. He knows he did it. He doesn’t care.

We should be honest about what just happened, what we’re living through, and we should be alarmed and saddened. But we should also recognize that historical moments such as these can be clarifying.

Here’s what I can see, more clearly now than ever: The only remaining source of accountability is the power of our own faith. Faith may sound like an old-fashioned word, but the only way to battle nihilism, which is the belief in nothing, is with belief in something. This is what Adam Schiff meant when he declared, in his soaring and doomed final argument that he placed his faith “in the optimism of the founders.”

I would go a step further. In this climate of calculated cynicism — a cynicism designed to make us feel hopeless — we need to be fanatical in our optimism, in our belief that we can become the subjects of history again, not just the objects. We need only look at the history of this country to see the proof of this fanatical optimism. Abolition. Suffrage. The labor movement. The New Deal. The War on Poverty. Civil Rights. In each case, the outcome seemed impossible. And yet millions of Americans rose up and took action to make our union more perfect.

It’s not enough at this point for us to wait around for others — the courts or suburban women or millennials or the media or Susan Collins — to come to our rescue. We have to come to our own rescue. To do so, we must place our faith in the fragile belief that our own individual actions as citizens still matter. We have to shake off the modern American temptation to passively consume civic dysfunction as disposable entertainment. Nihilism remains the GOP’s ultimate Trump card. They are counting on citizens of good faith to give up, to quit the field, to say “who cares?”

The media may continue to train its cameras on the trollish spectacles Trump orchestrates at his rallies, and his various reality TV events, such as last night’s State of the Union address. But we, as citizens, don’t have to hate-watch. We have to accept our anguish and set our devices down and find ways to support the candidates and causes we hold dear. We must organize rather than agonize. This optimism should not be confused with naiveté. We all know that the Trump regime will do everything in its power to rig the 2020 election. We’ll see more voter suppression, more fearmongering, more Russian trolling. Nihilism remains the GOP’s ultimate Trump card. The counting on citizens of good faith to give up, to quit the field, to say “who cares?” So is the party’s most reliable ally, Vladimir Putin. And so are the oligarchs, domestic and foreign, who have converted our planet into a vast and decaying casino.

Don’t let them sucker you. Be a fanatical optimist. Make a plan. Take action. Listen to your conscience. Vote. A Brighter dawn might await all of us, but we have to work for it.”

Best, JAY (“Rough Seas Make Good Sailors!) (I have not taken any pictures of me lately. So you will have to live with used one. And, I don’t feel like smiling right now.)

A BRIEF INTERLUDE

I need to rest my mind because I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Nothing is working. Well, that’s not true. The hotspot is working. Otherwise I would not be able to get the internet. But the in-house Wi-Fi is not working. And, I don’t know how to access it. Neither does my landlord. So, I have a problem. Also, my printer is not working. And, I have several important documents that I need to print. Alas and alack! I don’t know how to work any of the machines, and there is no room in many of the cupboards. So, I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Oh, did I already say that? Sorry. And the Monoprix is a maze of stairwells and departments with a gazillion people in all of them, all of them in a hurry to go somewhere. Alas and alack! I think I already said that, too. I keep telling myself to do one thing at a time, but which one thing? There are a gazillion things to be done. And, it is only Day 3. Oops. Well, so far this has been going well. But, ……Now, not so much. I think this area is too crowded with people. Lots of energy. Too much energy. Or maybe, I need a shot of vitamin B12. Stay tuned. I will write more when I feel better. Tomorrow. Words of encouragement will be very much appreciated. At least, I just got home from eating a good meal —– only to find my access blocked by some tenants who are moving out. All of this needs work. Is this what I meant by get a “jump start”???? Stay tuned……

In that picture, the printer doesn’t work; the TV doesn’t work. I finally got power to the hot rollers and the pencil sharpener. I desperately need to take a shower/bath. But, I don’t know where the washrags are or anything else. Stay tuned…… Oh, BYTW, the cat is doing GREAT!! Eating and using the cat box TOO MUCH. There is not room for any more garbage outside. When the hell do the garbage collectors come in this town? Now is the time to remember not to sweat the small stuff!!! The world is in total chaos, but I must worry about matches for my candle. And, cat litter.

A SHORT RAMBLING…..

It has been a long emotional month, preparing to change into a new life – AGAIN. I felt the same way, or at least, similar, when I went away to the University of Wisconsin from Georgia; when I went away to Los Angeles, California from Georgia, when I moved to Nice, France, from California. And, I feel it now – excitement mixed with concern. Sometimes, I think it is better to do things spur of the moment than this arduous planning. I also do better with buying than selling, with adding than subtracting, doing rather than being. Haha. I would rather feel buyer’s remorse than seller’s anguish. You get the picture.

Life with Steve was Chapter Seven. At some point after his death, I heard the click! I began Chapter Eight. On July 20, 2019, I heard the Click, again. I began Chapter Nine. I am now in Chapter Nine. And, as you know only too well, I am moving to Paris on Wednesday. It has been a long time coming. I have tried to get to Paris since 1957. It is long overdue. And, you and I both are sick of my talking about moving. Wednesday is the day. This will be my last post for a while (unless I change my mind haha). That said, a short ramble before I go. It has to do with the process of downsizing.

Something that I have been pondering of late is this: I see growing older (living longer) as a timeline growing up. (not across – so vertical rather than horizontal – like a beanstalk growing up from a seed). So, as I have grown older, I am way up here, looking around in all directions. I see a different view than before. It is exhilarating. I see clearer than before. And, the question I keep asking myself is “Why didn’t I see it this way before?” or “Can other people see what I see?” The important thing is that I see it. What am I talking about? Let me build the foundation so that you can know what I mean.

Starting in September 2019, I began “downsizing”. While going through my possessions, I realized that everything has a “backstory”. Oops. How was I going to part with an item, knowing the backstory? Plus, I had “romanticized” each backstory, making an item more difficult to part with. And, these were the four choices; keep, sell, give away, throw away. As a result, for five months, I have been going through backstory after backstory after backstory reliving memory after memory after memory, and I AM EXHAUSTED!! That was a lot of re-living to do. Plus, I was “romanticizing” each backstory.

As a result, I tried to separate the romanticized fabrications in my mind to look at facts. Only the facts. Then, I began trying to make decisions based on each backstory’s facts, trying to separate the facts from the emotion. It worked!!!! I began to let go. Really let go. I mean really let go. Amazing things began to happen. Many things became clearer in my mind. Sure, the emotion was still there, but it was over to the side, waiting while I took a cold-blooded look at the facts.

One by one, I began to let go of things, events, people, pains, regrets. I now think that I (and what things I have left) are ready to move to Paris on Wednesday. Somehow, I feel taller, stronger, wiser, lighter, and ready. It’s SHOWTIME! I apologize if this doesn’t make sense. It is still in development (as we say in the biz…..). Stay tuned…….

Best, Jay

THE PARIS REQUIREMENT

Paris has certain requirements for me. I have raised the bar. In my last remaining days in Nice, it is bittersweet. It was here that I was introduced to France, it customs, its people, its loves and its hates. It is VERY different from the United States, where each state is different – like 50 small countries. Georgia is different from Tennessee; California is different from Oregon, and so forth. It was here that I had 11 glorious months with Steve with exciting plans for a future full of interesting things. NEVER did it enter my mind to move to Paris. Steve did not want to move from Nice – maybe to somewhere in Italy, but not really. No problem. I loved Nice, too. And, most of all, I loved Steve. His loves became my loves. Life was good. Then, as my friend Brian Chase would say: BAM!!!! The giant (Godzilla) stomped on Bambi, munching away on a piece of grass. (Did you ever see that cartoon?)

I will admit, I went into a pretty bad state of depression. Ok, I don’t ever get REALLY depressed, but I was depressed inside. For me. I am pretty good at rolling with the punches, but this one hit me where it hurt. And, on top of that, I was recommended (by my general practitioner) to an adequate knee doctor who may have meant well, but he BOTCHED my knee. Thank God for Dr. Mandrino (recommended to me by my friend Andrea Emond) who fixed me. (long story for another time). So, I NEED a change – PARIS. Why not? (lots of reasons for another time – Haha). (singing) “To Dream the Impossible Dream; To Fight the Unbeatable Foe……”)

SO, these are my goals that I have set for myself, which I have labeled “The Paris Requirement”. There is a back story. Here it is:

I started Law School at age 59. In the spring of 1998 (First Year Law), I was talking to Dean Randolph at an event. I told him how much it was taking for me to keep up with the young students. (I was attending the 3-year program, NOT the night school 4-year program with adults) The students were from all over the world, and they were smart and young and energetic. They thought of me as their mother or a doctor who was auditing the classes. WHAT??? I told Dean Randolph that I was trying very hard to keep up and pass the finals in order to stay in law school. If I made bad grades, would he kick me out? He said, “YES.” I asked why. He said that he would be doing me a favor because it was evident that I was not “lawyer-material”. WHAT??

Rewind to the kitchen of The Actors Studio in the spring of 1970. I was rehearsing a scene of some sort, and was on a break, in the kitchen. I was talking to my friend Vic Tayback. I said that I loved the art of acting but I HATED getting agents, going on interviews, and getting current head shots. Vic said, “THEN GET OUT OF THE BUSINESS!!!” What? I am not going to get out of the business. I went through many challenges just getting here.” Vic said, “It Takes Both! You must wear two hats – the art and the business of art.”

Fast forward back to Law School at age 60, after a successful career as an actor in the Industry. I passed my First Year Law exams. So, when I began my Second Year Law at Whittier Law School, this was my thinking. (I was single at the time.) I must somehow compete with these young people. I will be working with them in life after law. They must think of me as a peer, not as an “older mom or doctor”. HOW??? That is when I decided to use my actor skills and observe them – what they wore, what they talked about, how they wore their hair, what they did for fun. I changed what I was wearing to class, changed my hair style, changed the questions I was asking them, began participating more in class. Now, I did not “hang out” with them. No. I just studied. And, studied. And, studied. For a break, I would go to Marshall’s and browse. Haha. On a good day, I would buy something for $15.00. No more. At night, when I was exhausted, I would watch an old “Law and Order”. And, before bed, I would read over my notes for the next day because I had heard that the mind learns while a person is asleep. No one thought I could do this. My family wanted me to go home and get a grip. My agent expected me to fail and return to acting. Long story short. I graduated from Law School in 1999. I passed the California Bar Exam in 2000. I practiced law with younger people until I retired on December 10, 2019.

(Fast-Forward to present day)

I have become a person I don’t like. I avoid people a lot. I stay home a lot. I have retreated into myself. I must become “the NEW DANGEROUS WOMAN”. What? How? Well, I must reinvent myself. How? I don’t know yet, but I must use my actor skills and observe how the people dress; what they talk about; learn how the transit system works; what sections/streets to avoid; how they spend time, and so forth. I must learn how to dress in today’s version of “casual chic”. So far, on my visit in October 2019, I saw a lot of scarfs, leather boots, trendy jackets, and tight jeans. That’s doable. I must practice walking in boots. And, there is also the problem of finding tight jeans that fit my legs. Ouch!

When I was there in 1957 (pregnant with a Scarlet Letter on my forehead, having “ruined” my family, thank you, Mother!), women were far from “dangerous”. On the contrary, in my silent generation, women were chattel (if you don’t know what that means, look it up). I was a silent “woman’s-libber” before my time).

When Steve and I were there at Christmas time in 2015, I did not want to be dangerous.

Now, I must be dangerous???? Well, I don’t know how I am going to reinvent the wheel when I am still expecting a man to pull out my chair. So far, I am offended when a man walks in a door before me. Oops. Maybe not “dangerous” but a tad more adventuresome. Or maybe the word is “aggressive”.

Can I pull this one off? Well……. First of all, I must change my thinking. How? I don’t know yet. Second of all, I must stop thinking about my “age”. That keeps me from trying something that my body can do, and my mind holds me back. (sigh)

Stay tuned……..

Best, Jay

22 DAYS TO GO – Paris-Bound

We are living in interesting times! That is definitely one way to look at the news. I don’t like most of what I see and hear. AND, I am not getting my way with most things, but I will concede– the news is not boring. Alarming, yes. Boring, no. And, when I am just doing things, I am trying to STOP taking everything personally. The problem is – at home in the South, I was TRAINED to take everything personally. (Sigh). That habit is not an easy one to break – try as I might. Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I don’t. But, it doesn’t’ matter because people all over the WORLD take things personally – college students in Madison, Wisconsin; lawyers in Los Angeles; the French; the British, the Canadians; the Germans. Regardless of whether it is meant to be personal or not.

But I digress…. I also oftentimes say one thing and do another. (Sigh) But, for now, I have stopped trying to do the right thing. There is no right thing. I am looking out for myself. If others think I am not keeping my word, so be it. I struggle with living over here in France by myself and sometimes that means breaking my word that I gave with good intentions at the time.

That said, I have 22 days to go until I head “home” – to Paris. That is where I plan to stay – unless I change my mind. Haha. Frankly, I am filled with a combination of terror and anticipation – which brings me back to the beginning: “I am living in interesting times!” And, my personal terror is far worse than my global terror. Expectations and reality are probably going to collide in a massive crash!! Haha. That is one way to lessen the global terror.

I just wish that I were a tad younger with more energy) and a quicker step. Oh, well. If wishes were horses, we’d all take a ride. (Thank you, Daddy!) Coulda, woulda, shoulda. (Thank you, Steve!) Alas and Alack. Oh, dear me. The sky is falling in!! (Henny Penny – remember?) Well, hey! if one does something that is out of the ordinary, it all boils down to resiliency. And, it is not every day that a woman alone in her 80’s moves to Paris! Haha. That is funny!

At this point, I am in a holding pattern with not a lot left to do. I have done most of the groundwork and preparation. Now, the execution. I have simplified the simple. I have downsized the downsize. Help! I have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. I am down to bare bones. Literally and figuratively, I have lost my appetite. What??????

I am looking forward with glee. What am I looking forward to, you ask?

Being in the City where I have always wanted to be (I don’t know why?)
Being in a café society at a time in my life when I can no longer do sports
Meeting interesting people who accept me at my age and don’t treat me like I don’t have any sense
Respect
Having shops that sell what I want
Finding good doctors that (hopefully) know what they are doing
Going to museums and sitting for a while
Listening to good music in a cabaret
Going to more good theatre
Dining with people I already know in Paris in good restaurants
Having more energy
Singing, no matter what it sounds like
Getting an agent and new headshots
Acting
Learning how to use the buses and the metro
Being called an American Expat in Paris
Getting an apartment with trees outside the window
Finding a retirement community for when I get older
Meeting someone to spend time with
Learning to cook simple French meals and good pasta
Possibly looking for a meet-up, focusing on Photography or Classical Piano.
Getting back in fashion somewhat
Getting my Steinway fixed
Moving to a better neighborhood
Selling Steve’s N-Scale USA trains
Learning how to use Steve’s Digital Panasonic camera and making a movie

Now, these are just ideas that I may or may not do. I would need another lifetime to do them all. But, they all sound interesting to me. Considering my age, I mainly plan to build the foundation for when I get infirm so that I can die with “vine leaves in my hair”. aka Eilert Løvborg. (“Hedda Gabler”) And, learn how to avoid the unpleasant, like demonstrations and wars. Haha. The reality is – I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN OR WHAT I WILL DO! I want to give it a try.

I plan to keep writing small tidbits on this blog. I enjoy it and people seem to like it, too. I now have had 6,836 visitors from all over the world and over 35,500 views. That is amazing to me. Especially when I really just ramble most of the time. Anyway, thanks for listening. Stay tuned……

No memes. No photos. Simply sending love to all of you, and hopefully providing some inspiration.

Best, Jay

“RAMBLINGS TO REV UP THE ENGINE”(wait! I don’t have a car……)

This is one of those days when I have so many topics to discuss that I am having difficulty choosing one. Post topics come to me in the middle of the night when I have so much to discuss with all of you. Haha. You have become very important in my life – like it or not!! Here are some if the topics I have been considering during “Jay’s Think Tank” , which occurs at some point between the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m (sigh):

The Point of No Return. Are we there yet?
A Brand-New Start. Taking Stock of things…… Does it matter? aka Plans v. Dreams
Hope/Passive v. Plans/Active. Is it better to hope something happens or make plans to do something, even if it is wrong?
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood………. Janet Tallulah appeared on the scene. Same time period.
The Gap Between Expectations and What Happens.
My Side of the Story. ……No one Will Know MY Side of the Story. ……Or Understand. …..Or care. It is not easy to accept that reality.
My Treasure Chest v. My Hope Chest
Choose What You Want to Believe …… there is NO answer.
Cooperation is Not in Vogue. Now, it is ‘Fuck You’!!
Each person had a terrible childhood. Just ask him/her. If the answer is “It was wonderful”, ……… hmmmmmmmm
King of Hearts. The inmates are running the asylum.

See what I mean? I have something to say about all eleven of those items. And, then some. I don’t have a favorite today. Instead, I am just rambling and thinking about the last two weeks. During this time, I have put very little demands on myself. I decided to enjoy the holidays and these last few weeks in Nice. I love Nice. It is beautiful. That is not why I am leaving. North Georgia is beautiful. That is not why I left. Los Angeles (to me) is beautiful. That is not why I left. Orange County is exquisite. That is not why I left. And, you don’t need to know my side of the story.

Let me just say, I have my reasons for all of it. And, I am not the kind of person that sits around and “hopes” something will happen. I “hope” we don’t go to war with Iran. But, I am “making plans” to move to Paris. I “hope” a good leader steps out of the Greek Chorus, like Thespis, and puts the good people back in charge of my land who don’t put kids in cages. I am “making plans” to downsize drastically, e.g. get rid of things I want, to move more easily from place to place – wherever that may be. I “hope” I don’t die in a Terrorist Attack. I am “making plans” to live a long life in art and love and good health. So, if I were to give you any advice, should you be depressed for any reason, make a plan of some sort. It could be as simple as “clean out that box”, or “rearrange the hall closet, or “clear out a section of the garage” or whatever. But, a very wise counsellor told me never to give advice. Suggestion: Listen intently, then give “suggestions”. That’s a suggestion.

I know enough about myself to know that – when I leave somewhere, I seldom go back. Maybe an occasional visit, but ……. So, I am spending my days doing things I enjoy. Walking, dining, downsizing. I am proud to report that I am not doing that much shopping as I used to. Labels still matter, but not as much.

That said, ALL BETS ARE OFF WHEN I GET TO PARIS. I don’t know what I will do. Everything seems different. My thought patterns, my dreams, my perspectives, my friends, my memories, my priorities. I am changing. To what? I don’t know. I just know that things feel different.

And, as Stevespeak would say, “But enough about me, what about you? What do you think of me?”

Or, “Let’s get together. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe, …never.

Or “Let’s have lunch. Have your girl call my girl.”

OK, just for the record, here are two pictures of the Sea that I think are beautiful. I LOVE the Sea. That is not why I am leaving…….. Wait! Did I already say that?