ON MY MIND THIS MORNING……

This morning I woke up upset, after hearing the news. I know better than to read news before bed.  (sigh)  I am writing this at this moment because I want to……  And, I have some pictures to post……       So what is going on?   (This post is not intended as a “feel good” post.   I apologize in advance to those who are offended.  …..whatever…..)  I was reminded last night of something that happened when I was much younger that I will never forget (forgive me while I go back into my past – which I seem to do a lot of these days. This is not a memory that I am very proud of.) 

As a lot of you know, I was into metaphysics for many years.  I went regularly to astrologers and psychics.  (I know, I know.  No comment.)  Anyway, one of the astrologers that I went to regularly was a woman who lived in Burbank.  Her name was Tish LeRoy (I think. It was a long time ago.)  I also went to a psychic who was good friends with Susan Strasberg (daughter of Lee).  And, all of them were very interested in Jim Jones.  As a result, I went with them, wanting to be included with all of these “celebrities” and “all-knowing” people, to hear him speak at some place (a church of some sort) in downtown Los Angeles. We sat in the balcony and watched as Jim Jones “healed” people downstairs.  (That was the day of Oral Roberts.  Ugh.) 

I must say that Jim Jones had the ability to convince people that he was really healing people.  And, they were doing what he said and suggested.  I was not convinced or otherwise.  I was going along with the crowd to be included.  At some point, I smelled foul and stopped going with the group to events.  I still wanted to be included, but, for some reason, I stopped going.  At that point, I was not thinking “cult” or “followers”. I only questioned the healing, the fake charades of crowd-pleasing and the gullibility of my new “friends”.  I did not believe ANY of it.  And, I wondered why they did.   Did they know something that I did not know? 

At some point, I knew that Tish and her daughters were moving to somewhere in Northern California outside of San Francisco to be near Jim Jones. What????  Why????  My concern was that I would need to find another good astrologer (for a couple of times a year). 

Then, one day I was sitting at home, on the sofa, reading the newspaper. I was shocked to read about Jonestown, the People’s Church, Kool Aid, and mass suicide of over 900.  I read the list of names and saw the names of Tish LeRoy and her two children.  I sat in disbelief.  It was in November 1978.  It really upset me that I had attended his Los Angeles meetings. I felt dirty.  Ashamed. And, gullible.  I did not want my family to know.  Ever.  And, for the record, this is the first time I have let myself think about it for a long time. (This is not a memory I am proud of.)

Last night, hearing the words of Donald Trump about drinking disinfectant to help the virus, I immediately thought of Jim Jones and the Kool Aid – on a grander scale???? And I knew there would be a lot of people like Tish LeRoy, willing to follow his advice or “suggestion”.    I often think of Tish’s two children.  Blind trust. Trusting their mother. I thought of my children.  And the responsibility of trust.  Truth goes out the window.  And, on my mind this morning are words that I read during the middle of the night, “You cannot escape the crazy in the White House.”  “A deep state is being created. ” “There is no transparency.”  Oh, dear me.  Thus, much worry during the night….  Plus, an upset wake-up.  

So, this morning, I got dressed and walked out the door.  That was a start.   These are photos that I am posting because I want to – in no particular order.  And, a meme or two that I want to include.  So, if you have stayed with me this far, thank you.  I did not feel like doing any of it.  But, I made myself do it anyway, and I feel better.  I care.  

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As you can see, I bought myself some yellow tulips (at the grocery store) and two plants that I have named “Felicia” and “John”, for no good reason.  (I read somewhere that a good thing to do is to buy living plants and give them a name….) Haha.  Just go with it……

Best, Jay   …. whatever……. 

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“THAT WAS THEN; THIS IS NOW”

This is what is on my mind this morning.  Something happened this week that made me very angry.  And, hurt.  So, when I woke up, I wrote down some words that kept running through my mind – THAT WAS THEN. THIS IS NOW.  The “then” I once knew –  no longer exists.  This is NOW.  The new normal? I am hoping that this concept  may be something for your consideration in these times of confinement and attempts at moving on to whatever is next.  

Is there such a thing as “normal”?   Things feel different.  AND, there is no going back.  So, I went for a long walk and took lots of pictures.  Therapy.  Stopped at Paul’s and got a coffee and some fresh orange juice “for take-out”.  I also got a fresh pastry, a chicken salad, and a cookie for later.  It’s a new day! Then, I got upset at my getting upset.  Haha.  Why all of this “drama”?  

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I had a person who was once important to me “then”, say things to me in response to my “Stockdale Paradox” post that let me know that he is not to be a part of my “now”.   CLICK!   Ever.  CLICK AND BLOCK!   Yes, I heard the “click” (written about in former posts)!  That was a reality check for me.  SO, when I write “there is no past, there is only the present moment”, I must listen to my own voice.  Who is part of my NOW?  I don’t have or need a fan page.  I don’t need for everyone to “like” me.  Will I become angry and bitter and unlikeable?  Maybe.  I know a lot of people who are angry and bitter and unlikeable, and they don’t seem to care.  Rude and uncaring.  They are not my friends.  

Posting this blog does not give people license to tell me off.  I have often said that if you don’t like what I have to say, DON’T READ IT.  Go somewhere else.  I have a lot of people who don’t want to hear what I have to say.  They haven’t wanted to hear what I have to say FOR YEARS.  That is not new news.  Haha.  Leave. Go away.  And, now, with the “THAT WAS THEN; THIS IS NOW new normal (sigh), it is not that I can afford to lose my friends, my relatives, my whoever-will-take-me-in, I can’t!  But I also cannot live with myself otherwise. 

We are all having to make choices because of chaos.  Is it politics?  Not all of it.  But I must admit that politics and the virus are playing big roles in creating the chaos.  I definitely don’t choose politics over friends.  I never have.  However, I knew from 2016 that anyone who supports Trump is questionable as my friend.  And, if those people still think he is doing a good job, I question their intelligence, their morals, and/or their discernment.  I don’t think it is possible to “cherry-pick” things you like/support about Trump.  True, each person is entitled to his/her own opinion (until that entitlement is taken away).   BUT I question whether I will remain that person’s friend – not that that person cares.  Haha.   But, I like me, and she is the person I live with. And, I want to really like my friends.  As well as be a good friend.   And, I want Missy to like me.  That is why I feed her and talk to her a lot.  Haha.  

I think people who criticize me personally think I am someone they used to know, not like I am today.  I have changed.  (Thank goodness)   We were – or might have been – friends “then”.   Not, NOW.  They want me to be who I was “then”.  They want me to agree with, to reflect, their position.  If they know me at all (most of my readers are not people I know),  They want me to be who they think I am……  

Wellllllll, that is not going to happen.  I hate bullies.  I hated bullies in grammar school, high school, college, and on and on.  I can name the high school bullies to this day.  I knew them then; I know them now.  I knew in 2016 and before, during the reality show and ‘”People” magazine, that is Trump was/is a bully. And a racist.  And, if you support, or overlook the fact that he is a bully and a racist (and a misogynist, xenophobe, liar, adulterer, narcissist, and more), you are no friend of mine.  Trump lashes out at elite organs of his own government — namely justice, intelligence officials and bureaucrats who trade in fact and traditional notions of US national interests. If there’s a rule, he will break it. If there’s a custom, he will infringe it to preserve his image as ultimate outsider and disruptor. Even when he is the ultimate authority.-And if you are willing to overlook all of that, you are the “intelligent” hypocrites I thought you were and are and will be. As we used to say in the South – “two-faced”.  That word doesn’t begin to say what I really think.  

So, for those who like my NOW, I want to post some photos.  For those who want to criticize me, go away.  We don’t need each other. Ever.

I am not taking the time to identify the photos. Just know that I am behind the camera.  I walked 1.7 miles.  During my therapy session this morning, as I was trying to calm myself down, I took over 50 photos in my passionate pursuit of peace.  Here are some of my favorites. The flowers are all in locked gardens.  So, you will have to go with the architecture and the trees and the sky.  I should know what something is and its significance, but I don’t.  Sorry, PARIS IN PROCESS…..Haha.  Or as I said at the beginning —   That was then; this is NOW.  

I passed a grammar school as I was walking down some street -not sure of the name but I think I was walking down Rue de St. Jacques toward the Seine.

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and this plaque was on the wall.  Translation:  “In memory of children, students of this school, deported from 1942 to 1944 because they were born Jewish, innocent victims of Nazi barbarism with the active complicity from the Vichy Government.  They were exterminated in the Death Camps.   Never forget them.  October 5, 2002.”  I am still reeling from that reality – of where I was standing.  The school is closed now for lockdown but still in operation.

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Best, Jay   (I apologize for the ranting.  This was an important post for me to write.  I am NOT asking for agreement or argument.)

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THE STOCKDALE PARADOX

This is what is on my mind this morning…the “Stockdale Paradox”. Before I start, please know that I am not looking for agreement or argument.  I am thinking out loud in this post.  Contemplating this concept.  NOT A COMPARISON.  As a result, I often ramble.  And sometime, my point gets lost. My grammar get sloppy, my paragraphs get confusing.  But, I get impatient and want to publish.  Haha.  My apologies in advance……. Hey, just go with it!!

Have you ever heard of the Stockdale Paradox?  I heard of it this week by accident while browsing on the Internet.  I wanted to acknowledge the graduation class of 2020 by posting my picture at that wonderful time in my life. That is the best I can do. No insult.  Just a way of saying, I am thinking about all of you and your memorial experience, such as it is.  Thus, I was looking in my Yearbook for a graduation picture of me in 1955, and pow!  I remembered so many things. 

One thing that hit me like a ton of bricks – It all started early in my married life when I heard that a classmate of mine in high school, a guy named Douglas (Doug) Patterson, had killed himself.  What??????  Doug Patterson????  Yes! He took off all of his clothes, got into the bathtub, standing up, and shot himself in the head (not wanting to make a mess for his wife Nancy and family).  That was the story I was told.  I was horrified.  He was such a gentle, wonderful, likeable guy.  What happened????  Then, I got bits and pieces of the back story (as only people in the South can tell it – with dramatic everything.)  Who knows what was actually true!  Anyway, he had graduated from Med School, had become a practicing physician, had gone to Viet Nam as a doctor, had experienced terrible things, had never gotten beyond what happened to him in Viet Nam, and subsequently had killed himself because he could not live with his mental torment.  Not a lot of days go by that I don’t think of Doug Patterson, in one way or another.

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I can truly call Doug a “friend”.  I was always dating and concerned with boys, but Doug was just a good friend.  A buddy.  I didn’t have a lot of buddies.  And, he was special.  Always had a smile and an understanding comment of some kind. We were both usually class officers of one kind or another.  Our Senior year, we were voted “Best All Around” in the Yearbook. 

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So, we worked together on class committees.  Plus, we were in the same class from grammar school through High School graduation, after which I went off to the University of Wisconsin and he went to Med School.  Our pathways separated.  Then I heard the news. 

Now, let me add that I do not know a lot about the Viet Nam War.  During that time, my life was in a mess, so I did not pay attention.  My bad!   So, when I read Nelson DeMille’s book, “Up Country”, I could not put it down.   And, the whole time, I was there, alongside Doug Patterson.  I have always been concerned with John McCain’s story and Doug Patterson.  And, now, during this Pandemic, for some reason, Doug Patterson has been on my mind.  Then, this week, the Stockdale Paradox came across my path.   Let me explain…

James Bond Stockdale was born December 23, 1923. He was 14 when I was born.   During his lifetime, he was a United States Navy vice admiral and aviator.  He was awarded the Medal of Honor in the Vietnam War, during which he was a prisoner of war for over seven years in the Hanoi Hilton.  This is what happened. 

The Viet Nam War: Since there was no declaration of the war, exact dates are sketchy.  It was a conflict in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia from 1 November 1955 to the fall of Saigon on 30 April 1975. North Vietnamese accepted a cease fire. But as U.S. troops departed Vietnam, Vietnamese military officials continued plotting to overtake South Vietnam.  How did the U.S. get involved?  President John F. Kennedy sent troops to defend South Vietnam. I don’t know what year.  Congress never declared war, but years later passed the Tonkin Resolution authorizing President Lyndon Johnson to use force against North Vietnam. 

For the U.S., it lasted until April 30, 1975, which is roughly 20 years, or 19 years, 180 days to be precise, when President Nixon signed the Paris Peace Accords, ending direct U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War.

Stockdale had led aerial attacks from the carrier USSTiconderoga (CVA-14) during the 1964 Gulf of Tonkin incident. Then, on his next deployment, while Commander of Carrier Air Wing Sixteen aboard the carrier USS Oriskany (CV-34), his A-4 Skyhawk jet was shot down in North Vietnam on September 9, 1965. He was 42 years old, at that time.  He survived.  And went on to serve as President of the Naval War College from October 1977 until he retired from the Navy in 1979.

As Vice Admiral, Stockdale became the President of The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina. We Southerners all are very proud of The Citadel.  Stockdale held this position from 1979 to 1980.  (For you political rookies) Stockdale was a candidate for Vice President of the United States in the 1992 presidential election, on Ross Perot’s independent ticket.

That is who he was.  Now, let me get to the reason for this Post. 

I am in a small Studio in Paris in “lockdown” during a Pandemic at the age of 83.  I have problems with both of my knees and walk with a cane. Otherwise, I am in good health.  My family of origin is dead, and my kids are elsewhere – physically and mentally.   I have wanted to move to France, especially Paris, since I was at the University of Wisconsin in 1955.  I don’t have time to lose. 

James Stockdale was definitely in a worse situation while he was being tortured in a Viet Nam prison camp during an unpopular “war”.  It is even ludicrous that I am comparing my situation to his.  But I do and I am.  How do I make the best of this?  I really hate this Studio.  Yet, I should be happy I am here.  I am not happy.  SO, I need a perspective that works for me.  This may be it!

I don’t want an “optimistic” prospective.  That is not working for me.  I am thinking a lot about the “Stockdale Paradox”.  The main gist of the idea is that I need to balance optimism with realism. Paradoxes are best understood through experience.  During the seven years that Stockdale was held prisoner, he was repeatedly tortured without a reason to believe he’d make it out alive. So, he found a way to stay alive by embracing the harshness of his situation with a balance of healthy optimism.  Well, that doesn’t sound so great.  It sounds like common sense.  NO.  On the contrary, it means that I can never afford to lose the most brutal facts of my current reality (whatever they may be). 

Stockdale explained this idea as the following: “You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”  I am in a foreign country, foreign language, handicapped, elderly, in a pandemic/plague, female, caged, retired, financially dependent, etc.   That combined at the same time with “I will prevail in the end.” Thus, the paradox. The ability to acknowledge my situation and balance optimism with realism comes from an understanding of the Stockdale Paradox. This contradictory way of thinking was the strength that led James through those trying years. Such paradoxical thinking has been one of the defining philosophies for great leaders making it through hardship and reaching their goals.

Whether it’s weathering through a torturous imprisonment in a POW camp or going through my own trials and tribulations, the Stockdale Paradox has merit as a way of thinking and acting for any trying times in a person’s life.  I consider this a trying time in my life.  I am in a situation of my own making, and I did not prepare for the unexpected – a pandemic!!   Few of us did.  Expecting the best while preparing for the worst – even though the worst is worse than my worst!! 

So, I have asked and answered the question – what are my wildest dreams at this point in my life?  I know.  I want things to workout for myself.   I want to be successful, happy, and have achieved something no matter how trivial or personal it may be.  We all do.

I know enough about the human brain to know that it is important to visualize what I want.  But I am just skeptical enough to know that making that happen is not just going to come by positive visualization. That’s all well and good, and it makes me feel nice.  On the contrary, also confronting the entire brevity of my situation (my lifetime) is instrumental for success. There’s a bit of positive visualization in there, but it needs to be counterbalanced with the thought that I can utterly fail and to put it frankly – my current existence might be absolutely miserable and hopeless. But I must not lose faith, my wildest dreams just might come true. . . hence the paradox.It’s not about choosing which side to take, but instead learning to embrace both feelings in opposition to one another and realize they’re both necessary and interconnected. 

This duality helps to guard against the onslaught of disappointments that will hit me in the process. Optimism may drive innovation, but that needs to be put in check to help ensure that I am still on this plane of reality and not bumbling naively into something that can’t happen.  It helps me to keep myself grounded, but also entertain the idea of being incredibly successful in whatever pursuit I am after.  The Stockdale Paradox can help me assess a current situation and plan accordingly to tackle the challenges I will come across. It enforces both the idea that I can be positive and believe I will overcome all difficulties while at the same time I am confronting the most brutal facts of my current situation. The latter is what turns people off, because it can be misconstrued as negative or overly pessimistic.

In some strange way, this makes a lot of sense to me.  I realize that I have a lot of things that seem to be going wrong and I can walk out the door, get a disease, and die, like I watched Steve do, and yet, I may prevail and get a lovely home and have a loving companion and make money and walk and wear pretty shoes, and shop for Armani clothes, and speak fluent French and act in a film and whatever else exists in my wildest dreams.  So can you.  That thought makes me happy.  Stockdale died in 2005. He was 82 when he died. I just turned 83.  And, I am going to think about my wildest dreams while I confront this miserable plague in this tiny Studio that feels like a cage!!   What happened to those kids who were put in cages.  Are they still there?  The cruelty of those actions are beyond cruel.  And, I have a list of people to whom I want to say, “I told you so.” Ugh.  And, they still support their positions.  Double ugh.  The reality that they won’t face is very ugly.  But, meanwhile, back to my wildest dreams……..

Meanwhile, please support Jayspeak. I know, I know.  Why?  Why not?  Even a little helps.  Thanks in advance.

 

 

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Best, Jay, 

Gainesville High School, Class of 1955, Gainesville, Georgia

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This post is dedicated to my friend, Dr. Douglas Patterson, Class of 1955, Gainesville High School, Gainesville, Georgia.
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A CLEAN SLATE – BEGINNINGS AND ENDINGS

Sound familiar. August 2016.  “Over the age of 60.  Underlying health condition (heart problems.) Pneumonia in the lungs.  ICU.  Ventilator. Unexpectedly.”  That is exactly what happened to Steve 4 years ago.  Was it a virus before its time?  I will never know.  The doctors cured the pneumonia.  He died of heart failure.  It was fast.  Like today.  That should make you want to stay home!  It does me.  I remember only too well.

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SO, how do I start with a clean slate of this?  By introducing you to Steve two months earlier

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some books I think you may enjoy reading during this down time.  SO, I am spending today, a (férié) in France (the day after Easter is always celebrated as a holiday) by staying inside and writing a lot.  Sorry.  But, I cannot stop thinking about what happened to him as I read the news and all of the descriptions of what to expect.  Plus, in my head, I am processing a Lot of new ideas that have come to me over the weekend.  My “clean slate”/ “eternal NOW” frame of mind is running wild with new ideas of how to spend this unusual time in Paris.  I have ideas for new books that excite me.  I have projects that need to be completed.  I have courses I want to take, places I want to walk, pictures I want to take, sites I want to develop.  There is never a dull moment around here.  My mind keeps me busy.

I want to spend time with my “new present”.  So here is a fresh look at something that means a lot to me. What??  I have in my safe keeping, several books that I want to bring to your attention in this new day!!! OK.  So a tad of past. Don’t worry.  I will try to make it interesting and worth your time.

It all started on September 20, 2011. I was (for 20 years) an Entertainment Attorney (and an Employment Law Litigator) in Los Angeles, California USA. In early September 2011, I was invited by the Writers Guild of America (WGA) to be the legal representative on a panel for the members – an E-publishing Panel. The Panel sought to empower writers to create new opportunities for work in film, television, new media, and transmedia. Since WGA did not cover book publication regardless of format, it was thought that e-publishing could be a stepping stone towards potential work on Guild-covered adaptations. So, on September 20, I joined other Panel members Lee Goldberg (The Glades), Derek Haas (Wanted), and Alexandra Sokoloff (author, Book of Shadows, and Mark Coker (Smashwords) on a panel.   Our task was to discuss the latest ebook/self and indie-publishing developments. WOW, what a lineup! I got very excited.  Needless to say, it was a power-packed evening with the Writer Members and members doing most of the talking.  The evening flew by with everyone sharing information, questions, and answers.

The next day I said to my husband Steve Orlandella, “You need to write a book”. He said, “What? A book?  I have nothing to say.”   I laughed.  Steve ALWAYS had something to say.  So did I. I needed to write a book.  And, we did.

Steve wrote eight books before he died in 2016.  I have written seven (7) and am still writing every day. But, this post is about Steve and his books.

He had specific things he liked – history, cheesecake, sex, trivia, condiments (of every kind), Castle (TV show), the Titanic, and baseball.  Not necessarily in that order.  So, he wrote about things he liked.  Now, to be honest, he was not a great American writer.  He just wrote about topics he enjoyed.  I was glad to see him happy.  He loved working.  Retirement was not his cup of tea.  And, he loved writing.  He created two characters he liked.  And, he would spend all day creating their “banter”.  I would often hear him chuckling to himself.  That would be when he would come up with something he thought was particularly clever.  He started out with a collection of his writings on Facebook.  All of that was new at that time, and his posts were funny and interesting.  When it was published, he was thrilled.  He would read it over and over.  Amazed and proud of himself for actually publishing a book!

Next, he tackled baseball.  He was an Emmy-winning Live Sports producer for Hockey and Baseball.  9 seasons for the Dodgers.  Personal friend of Vin Scully.  He KNEW his baseball.  Then, he wrote “his masterpiece”, a wonderful book about the Titanic.  He poured his soul into this book.  His love, his heart, his skill, his all.  He could not believe it when he held that book in his hands.  He read and reread and reread it.

It was then that he thought that he had no more to write.  I did not want to see him depressed because he was happy when he had a book in progress.  So, I suggested he create a detective and do mysteries – novels.  After thinking about it a LONNNNNGGGGGG time, he came up with an idea.  He really loved the television show “Castle”.  He loved their “banter”.  He would create a sexy couple – an ex-baseball player (a private investigator – Vic Landell) and a hot babe attorney/news anchor (The Redhead).  They would solve crimes in Sarasota, Florida (his favorite location in the world).  That was how it started.  It evolved from there.

So, I am going to introduce you to his books.  I am not presenting them in the order they were written.  I am doing this my way.  Novels, first.  I am suggesting you try them. they are light reading and enjoyable.  I am including his introductions. And,  I think the reader can experience the fun Steve was having with the dialogue and spending time with his characters.  He loved Tina Louise and Dusty Springfield.  Plus, he had some favorite News Anchors.  So, bear with him as he enjoys his “babes” with their high heels.  Short skirts and all.  Red hair, long legs.  A fun guy.  We laughed a lot.  And, I  miss him.  This post is dedicated to Steve Orlandella.  This one’s for him.  Now, the books – during this pandemic!

The first Vic Landell mystery was BURDEN OF PROOF. 

1) BURDEN OF PROOF is set in and around Sarasota Florida.  It is dedicated my sister, Patricia Jewell Prince, “My Sister-in-Law Patricia, Lover of Mysteries.”

Steve begins each mystery: What’s in a Name?  “My father was born Vito Anthony Orlandella, and he didn’t much care for his name. “Vito” was all right, and in fact, he named his principal business The Vito Fruit Company – although throughout Boston he was often referred to as “Vic.” No real problem with the benign Anthony, it was the last name he saw as problematic. His one foray into show business as a record producer was done under the name “Tony Vito.” I’m not certain, but I believe he thought that Orlandella was too long and clumsy for a billboard. He had another name ready but never got the chance to use it. A clever anagram made by dropping the first two and the last letters of his name. Add to that, the remnants of his first name. Thus, was born “Vic Landell.” When it came time to name my pitcher-turned-detective, the choice was an easy one. Call it homage to my father.”

Next, CAPITOL MURDER.

2) CAPITOL MURDER is dedicated to “Her Royal Blondness [HRB], Long may she Reign”. It is set in and around Washington, D.C.

“What’s in a Name? The heroine of this series is Marcia Glenn. The name is borrowed from my first childhood crush – a sixth-grade, blonde goddess. For two years I pined for her from, to paraphrase Hammerstein, ‘across a crowded schoolroom.’ My passion held in check only by the fact that she didn’t know I was alive. Her sights were set on another classmate, a surfer boy wannabe with flaxen air. Sure, just plunge a knife in my heart. The irony of all this is rooted in the fact that he seemed to have absolutely no interest in her. Funny the things you remember. How this preteen vixen has now morphed into a six-foot, Titian-tressed femme fatale is a story for another time.”

3) MARATHON MURDERS.

MARATHON MURDERS is dedicated to “Dash, Winner & Still Champion”, and located in Boston.

“What’s in a Name?  He was born on a farm in Maryland.  He served his country in the First World War and became ill with the Spanish flu and later contracted Tuberculosis – spending most of his time in the Army as a patient in a Washington Hospital.  As a result of his illness he could not live full-time with his wife and two daughters and the marriage fell apart.  He was a firm believer in the notion that you write about what you know.  And since he was an alcoholic, his two most famous characters were as well.  He devoted much of the rest of his life to unpopular causes.  He wore his country’s uniform again in the Second World War.  His reward?  After the war he was investigated by Congress and testified before the House Un-American Activities Committee about his own life but refused to cooperate with the committee.  As a result – he was blacklisted. He was sixty-six when lung cancer took his life.  In his obituary, The New York Times said of him, ‘the dean of the hard-boiled school of detective fiction.’  For any fan of mysteries his name is said with a smile.  For someone like me, who would love to be just a poor copy of the original, it is said with reverence.”

4) DANCE WITH DEATH.  (Steve’s Favorite – he wanted me to read him passages from this one when he was in the hospital)

DANCE WITH DEATH is dedicated “To my Second Parents Rose & Gerry”.  It is set in Los Angeles, California.

What’s in a Name?  She was born Marcia Colleen Glenn – her first name from the Latin, meaning ‘dedicated to Mars.’  Mars is the red planet – there is your first clue.  It also means proud or warlike – that’s your second clue.  Her middle name was chosen by her father to emphasize the family’s Gaelic heritage.  By the age of five, her sister Katelyn was calling her ‘The Marce.’  To this day, if she likes you, call her Marce.  If she doesn’t much care for you, it’s Marcia.  If she flat hates your guts – it’s Ms. Glenn.  Fair warning, if you call her Marsha, brother, you are just asking for trouble.  When she was seventeen and turned from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan, the boys in her high school started referring to her as ‘the looker.’  The lawyers at the firm where she did her internship called her ‘the stunner.’  That’s also what the crew at WWSB calls her – along with ‘the goddess.’  To the boys in Idaho Falls, she was ‘the long drink of water.’  When she knocked out a would-be assailant with one right hand, the name ‘slugger’ entered the lexicon.  There are others, like ‘supermodel’ and ‘deadeye.’  But if you’ve killed someone, she’s the ‘red menace.’  And finally, to her smitten boyfriend, she is occasionally ‘Titian’ -the shade of her glorious red hair.  She will also answer to ‘Irish,’ and for him only, ‘Honey,’ along with his favorite, ‘Baby.’  But, first and foremost she is always and forever – ‘the redhead.'”

5) MIDTOWN MAYHEM, dedicated “For the amazing Kris Jones”, and set in NYC. (He did not know this would be his last one.)

What’s in a Name?  It was my high-school baseball coach who first hung the nickname on me. Of the nine pitchers on his staff, eight were right-handed. When asked who the starting pitcher against Syracuse would be, he replied, “Let’s send out the lefty.” The name stuck throughout college, the minors, and my first six years in the majors. It became problematic for me when I was traded to Philadelphia – for you see, they already had a “Lefty.” He was born Steven Norman Carlton. He made his debut with the Cardinals in 1965. He was a tall, imposing man blessed with a hard fastball and nasty slider. He was soon known as an intimidating and dominating pitcher. Following a protracted salary dispute, St. Louis Cardinals owner Gussie Busch ordered Carlton traded. Eventually, he was dealt to the Philadelphia Phillies before the ‘72 season for a pitcher named Rick Wise. In time, it would be recognized as one of the most lopsided deals in baseball history. Carlton hit his stride with the Phillies. How good was he? In 1972, the down-trodden Phils won a total of 59 games – 27 of them by Carlton. That won him his first of four Cy Young Awards. He finished with 322 wins and was a consensus first ballot Hall of Famer. The day before a start, the scoreboard in Veterans Stadium would list tomorrow’s starting pitcher – Lefty. Need more? There’s a statue of him in front of Citizens Bank Park. How was I supposed to compete with all that? I could not. Since Carlton is six-foot four and your humble servant is a paltry six-foot one the players started to refer to me as Little Lefty. The day my career ended, I went back to being plain old Lefty.”

6) CASINO KILLER (Steve was writing this one when he died.)

Forty-six pages are in the can. It was to be dedicated to “John & Gloria Cataldo, Once and Forever”.  It was to be set in and around Nice, France.

“What’s in a Name?  It is the coastline of the Mediterranean Sea in the southeast corner of France, beneath of the base of the French Alps. There is no official boundary, but it is usually considered to extend from the Italian border in the east to Saint-Tropez, Hyères, Toulon, or Cassis in the west. The area is a Department of the French Government – Alpes-Maritimes. There is nothing quite like it anywhere else in the world. As the French might refer to it – beau ravage – beautiful shoreline.  It began as a winter health resort for the British upper class at the end of the 18th century. With the arrival of the railway in the mid-19th century, it became the playground and vacation spot of British, Russian, and other aristocrats, including Queen Victoria. It was the English who coined the phrase, the French Riviera.  After World War II, the south of France became a popular tourist destination and convention site. The area went off the charts in the 1950s when a beautiful girl from Philadelphia moved into the Royal palace of the one and only principality. Millionaires and celebrities built homes there and routinely spent their summers.  The region has one more name. In 1887, a French author named Stéphen Liégeard published a book about the coastline. So taken was he by the color of the Mediterranean, he used the words Azure Coast in the title – in French that translates as Côte d’Azur.”

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Steves first book is delightful – STEVESPEAK – 3 YEARS ON FACEBOOK.

STEVESPEAK is one of my favorites for spending time with him and getting to know him better. Plus, it is dedicated to me: “To Janet, The wind beneath my wings, And the power behind my throne.”

In his Prologue, he writes: “I’m not sure how I got on Facebook.  Most likely it was word of mouth.  Like many of you I started small, but as my list of friends grew, so did my activity.  A funny thing happened along the way, I found my voice.  Along with connecting with friends, I had the chance to be critical, historical, passionate, and I hope, funny. This book traces almost 3 years on Facebook, and is designed to give my fellow “Facebookers,” An idea of what other people are saying. For what it’s worth, you will learn some things about me. My love for baseball, my interest in “The Titanic,” my passion for my hometown, Boston.

“Stevespeak” was coined by my wife, who insists I have my own language.  Well that’s probably not true, but there are some words that are uniquely mine. For instance, only in my world is there a planet “Smecktar.”  Those pimples on your shoulder blades are “bacne,” and “Xerocracy” is government by photocopy. If something is dead, it’s “kersfuncken.” “Inuendo” is Italian for colonoscopy.

That said, there are some things you need to know in order to navigate your way through this book.  There are many references to something called “HRB.”  “HRB” is “Her Royal Blondness.”  That would be my wife.  She is an attorney and is sometimes referred to as the “blonde barrister.” Her maiden name is Janet Jewell.  Christine became Kris and is my sister. “Tori” and “Icto” are other names for our friend Victoria Lucas.  Tori’s sister is Lil, and sometimes, Liz. The “Knife” is Joe Klinger. “Fabulous 52” was the old Saturday night movie series on CBS in Los Angeles. I stole it, (I mean, researched it) and it became the “Fabulous 42.” Most of the rest is self-explanatory.”

Steve’s MasterpieceTITANIC.

TITANIC was his lifetime achievement, the one he held close to his heart.  He dedicated it to his mother.  He wrote, “To my Mother Therese, The Real Historian in The Family.”

“In the fall of 1960, I was a ten-year-old, growing up in Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley.  Even then I was sarcastic, opinionated, and well on my way to becoming obnoxious.  The phrase most often used was, ‘A little too smart for his own good.’  Perhaps.  Duplicit in all this were my parents who spoiled me rotten.  One of my numerous privileges was permission to stay up late on Saturday night…very late.

Toward the end of the 1950s, television in Los Angeles was in a state of flux.  The Country’s number three [now number two] market had seven stations, a wealth of airtime, and a dearth of programming.  The three network affiliates and the four independents turned to motion pictures to fill the void so much so that one station, Channel 9, ran the same movie every night for a week.  Hey, I love Jimmy Cagney, but how many times can you watch ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’?  The stations also had the nasty habit of cutting the films to pieces, the classic case being Channel 7, the ABC affiliate who filled their 3:30-5pm slots by slicing and dicing 2-hour movies down to 67 minutes. They came close to cutting Ingrid Bergman out of ‘Casablanca.’  Channel 2, the CBS Affiliate, had no such problem.  [They had ‘Lucy’; they had ‘Jackie Gleason’.]  ‘The Fabulous 52’ was reserved for Saturday night at 11:30pm, and, since the only things that followed the movie were the National Anthem and a test pattern, they ran uncut.  The station held the rights to a package of relatively recent films from 20th Century Fox.

One Saturday afternoon, my dad announced, ‘Titanic is on tonight.’  I had no idea who or what was ‘Titanic’, but we gathered in the family room at 11:30.  For the next two hours, I sat transfixed, mesmerized by what we were seeing.  If you are scoring at home, it was the 1953 version with Barbara Stanwyck, Clifton Webb and a young Robert Wagner.  They had me.

In 1964, I came across a copy of A Night to Remember, Walter Lord’s seminal work on the events of April 14-15, 1912, and the following year, I saw the movie made [in England, 1958] from Lord’s book.  It was a film made by people who wanted to get it right.  This film was the game changer.

The Fox movie opens with a page of text proclaiming that all the facts in the film were taken right from the United States Senate and British Board of Trade Inquiries.  Really?  Even then, Fox knew how to ‘play fast and loose with the truth.’  As good as their movie was – and it was good, it paled before the Brit’s film.  Fifteen hundred people did not all stand together, sing ‘Nearer My God To Thee’, and meekly sink into the North Atlantic.  They fought and struggled until their last breath, trying not to freeze or drown in the unforgiving sea.  Madeleine Astor wasn’t an elegant matron.  She was in fact a pregnant teenager.  That was it.  ‘Game On!’

I absorbed every book I could find, any TV program I could watch, and every newspaper on microfilm, along with help from the Titanic Historical Society.  Add that to my natural affinity for ships, and an ‘obsession’ was born.  For some, it’s The Civil War; for others, it’s the Kennedy Assassination; for me, it is The Royal Mail Steamship Titanic.

Part of the obsession stems from the fact that no event in history is so loaded with conjecture, myths, and downright lies, some of which are ‘beauties.’  One example:  A young David Sarnoff [co-founder of RCA] became famous telling the world how he was the first to pick-up the Titanic’s distress call in the station on the roof of Wanamaker’s Department Store and how he remained at the key all Sunday night and well into the next day.  Great story?  Absolutely.  Truthful story?  Absolutely not.  Wanamaker’s was closed on Sunday, and even when the store was open, Sarnoff was the office manager.  Three other employees of The Marconi Company stood the watch.

Fox reloaded and fired again in 1997.  This time, they tried it with a seemingly unlimited budget and an amateur historian calling the shots.  Movie making?  Unmatched.  Story telling?  Not so much.  History?  Nonexistent.  There is a word for what you wind up with when you invent the leading characters.  Fiction.  Now, nobody loves Kate Winslet ‘in flagrante delicto’ more than I do, but the truth is better.  Thus, ”Jack Dawson’ and ‘Rose DeWitt’ join ‘Julia Sturges’ and ‘Lady Marjory Bellamy’ as mythical creatures on a real ship.

And, since you’re making stuff up, how about a little character assassination?  The 1997 film depicted First Officer William Murdoch taking but ultimately rejecting a bribe from make-believe villain ‘Caledon Hockley.’  Murdoch was also shown shooting two passengers dead after he presumed, they intended to storm one of the remaining lifeboats.  He then saluted Chief Officer Henry Wilde and committed suicide with a revolver.  None of this ever happened.  After the picture’s director [name withheld] refused to take out the bogus scenes, studio executives flew to Murdoch’s hometown to issue his relatives an apology.  As for the movie, if you are looking for an accurate depiction of events – keep looking.  Put another way, there was a ship called Titanic, and it sank.  After that, you’re on your own.

The Civil War is far and away the all-time champion of most books. [One of Titanic’s passengers wrote ‘The Truth about Chickamauga.’]  Second?  The runner-up is World War II.  Third?  The correct guess is the Titanic.  So, what is my mission statement?  What else?  Write yet another book.  Tell her story, once again.  This time come armed with all I know and have learned in the wake of Doctor Robert Ballard’s stunning discovery of the wreck in 1985.  I will attempt to detail what is correct and dispel, whenever possible, what is not.

I spent my career working in television, the first seven years producing TV News.  What did I learn?  I learned skepticism tinged with a bit of cynicism, and it has served me well.  So, I will do your bidding.  On your behalf, I will be skeptical, factual, analytical, and when required, cynical.  There is one thing I cannot be, dispassionate.  I will stipulate to a love of all ships – but Her most of all.  By now, you may be asking yourself, ‘Why so many pictures?’  I confess that, too, is the TV producer in me.  You always try to put a face with a story.  Plus, there is always the possibility that you can’t recognize Turbinia.

If I am standing at all, it is on the shoulders of some truly great authors.  I have read, re-read, and re-re-read their work over the years and have researched – borrowed – from them all.  To the best of my ability, everything in this book is true.  I believe in the concept that, if the Lord wanted us to remain silent, he wouldn’t have given us [brackets].  So, on occasion, you’ll see a comment from yours truly.  [I’ll be that most irritating of shipmates – the loud, opinionated one.]

The longest section of the book concerns the area around the Boat Deck between midnight and 2:20am.  If it seems long [it’s real time] and overly detailed, I apologize, but to me, this is the heart of the narrative.  Hundreds of little dramas played out on a sloping deck in the middle of a freezing ocean.  Loved ones were torn apart, and families were destroyed.  And with it came the sub-plots.  Some got in lifeboats, and some did not.  Some were allowed in the boats, and some were not.  All of this begs the question, why?  Regardless, these are their stories, and on their behalf, I make no apologies.  I have tried to keep the technological parts under control and not drown my readers in facts and figures.  But the brains and skill that created the Olympic-class liners are very much a part of this story.

Allow me just a couple of more thoughts before we proceed.  There is one sentence that is common to virtually every book written about the RMS Titanic.  ‘It had been a mild winter in the Arctic.’  It had, indeed.  Ice that had been forming since well before the dawn of man was now at last free.  Unfettered, it could leave Greenland and move into the Labrador Current and begin its journey south toward the shipping lanes.  The ice was no different than previous years, only this year, there would be more than usual, much more.  There were small pieces of ice, what sailors called ‘growlers.’  There were large sections known as ‘sheet ice,’ and larger still, ‘pack ice.’  In between were hundreds of what every seaman feared most, what the Norsemen referred to as ‘mountains of ice.’  Icebergs.

If you’re familiar with the advertising business, you probably know about the concepts of ‘marketing research’ and ‘brand recognition.’  Countless studies have been commissioned to find out what people can identify and what they like.  The results are often quite surprising.  For example, inquiries have determined that far more people [around the world] can recognize the ‘Cavallino Rampante’ [in English, ‘The Prancing Horse’ aka the ‘Ferrari’ logo] than can recognize ‘Shell’ or ‘Coca-Cola.’  Then there is my favorite.  For decades, focus groups, when asked to identify the most famous ship in the world, gave the traditional answer, ‘Noah’s Ark’.  No more.  The runaway number one is now ‘Titanic’.  That’s ‘brand recognition.’

There is no way to tell the whole story in this little book, yet I will do my best.  Call me crazy [you wouldn’t be the first] and maybe a little arrogant [see previous], but I feel it’s my duty to help set the record straight for fifteen hundred souls who went to a cold, watery grave that night.  Time to depart.  ‘All ashore that’s goin’ ashore!'”

THE GAME 

THE GAME is dedicated, “To My Father, for that rainy day at Fenway and A thousand games of ‘catch’”.  Steve was passionate about baseball.  He knew baseball in-and-out.  He was the expert’s expert. He would say, “I know what I like.”  Well, I’m here to tell you that he “liked”, [see also, “was passionate about”] the Red Sox, Boston, the Patriots, the Celtics, Lotus cars, Ferraris, meatballs, pasta of any kind, pundits, condiments, the Titanic, HRB, his family, and Vin Scully – not necessarily in that order.

He writes in THE GAME Foreword: “The History books tell us that the first professional baseball game was held on May 4, 1869, as the Cincinnati Red Stockings ‘eked’ out a 45-9 win. No doubt, the first baseball story was told on May 5, 1969.  No sport – not basketball, not football, not hockey – has the oral tradition of the national pastime. And, like any good oral tradition, it has been passed from generation to generation.  Baseball stories in one form or another are as much a part of our game as the infield fly and the rosin bag.  In this book, they come in all sizes and shapes – short stories, essays, expressions, rules, jokes, and slang, to name just a few.

The first ‘Baseball Balladeer’ in my life was one Vincent Edward Scully, known to three generations of fans as ‘Vin.’ For baseball-ignorant Southern Californians, he was a Godsend. Far more than their voice, he was their teacher.  At that point, the game that had been thousands of miles away was as close as your transistor radio or the ‘am’ in your car. He gave Los Angeles the who, what, when, where, and most importantly, the why. He studied at the foot of the master Red Barber and is acknowledged as the best in the business.  I know this how? He was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame 43 years ago! For nine years, I was lucky enough to be his producer. I called him ‘The Doctor’ for his PhD in baseball. Try explaining the balk rule to the man who taught you half of what you know about the game.

When I began covering the Angels, I got to know Emil Joseph ‘Buzzie’ Bavasi.  If you looked up ‘character’ in the dictionary, it would say, ‘see Buzzie.’  In the ‘40s, he was Branch Rickey’s top lieutenant and had a hand in breaking Baseball’s color line as well as dealing with Vero Beach in the acquisition of Dodgertown.  He became General Manager and earned a reputation as a shrewd and tough negotiator. Buzzie loved to tell the story about contract haggling with a certain player [still alive, so no names]. He had a fake contract with a very low salary created for the team’s best player.  He left it on his desk and excused himself for a moment, convinced that the player would take a peak. Needless to say, that when he returned, the negotiations ended quickly and in Buzzie’s favor.  He had been schooled in [and ultimately taught] the Branch Rickey way of playing the game [stressing fundamentals, nurturing talent, and the importance of a strong farm system]. In the years we worked together, I never once overheard a conversation when he wasn’t at the beginning, in the middle, or at the end of a story or anecdote. He lived for baseball and lived to talk about it.

In 1985, I began working with Bob Starr. Bob, or as we called him, ‘Bobo’, was the broadcaster’s broadcaster. He could do play-by-play for anything – baseball, football, your kid’s hopscotch game, anything. Bobo was a graduate of the KMOX School of Broadcasting.  The famed St. Louis radio station produced Harry Caray, Jack and Joe Buck, Buddy Blattner, Joe Garagiola, and Bob Costas, among others. He had that smooth, Midwestern style, and on the air, you’d swear he was talking just to you.  I once shared a golf cart with him for a round – four hours well-spent looking for my ball [as usual] and listening.  He loved to tell stories, some on himself. While playing 18 holes on an off day, Bob had a heart attack.  Upon arrival at the hospital, the doctors asked if he were in pain. ‘Yes,’ he replied, ‘in my backside.’ Mystified, the doctors went over the test results. A physical examination revealed that the patient still had his pants on.  The source of the pain was two Titleists in his back pocket.  How we miss Bobo.

The average baseball fan may not recognize the name Jack Lang, but every player knew him and loved it when he called.  Jack was for twenty years the executive secretary of The Baseball Writers of America, and if he telephoned you, it meant that you just won the Cy Young Award, the Most Valuable Player Award, the Rookie-of-the-Year, or had hit the ‘Baseball Lottery,’ induction into the Hall of Fame.  His vocation was sportswriter [a New York beat writer], and for forty years, he was one of the best.  I met Jack in 1987.  We had been hired by Victor Temkin to do sports licensing for MCA/Universal. It was there I discovered his sense of humor, his humanity, and his encyclopedic knowledge of the game.  We would speak on the phone almost every day for an hour.  Five minutes would be devoted to business, the remaining fifty-five given over to ‘talkin’ baseball.’  I firmly believe that I could have put the phone on speaker, turned on a tape recorder, left the room, and returned thirty minutes later to find another chapter for this book.  In 1997, we took a production crew to his home for an interview. It was the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s entry into the major leagues, and who better to discuss it than the man who covered it.  Jack lived in the little village of Ft. Salonga on the North Coast of Long Island, [Vin used to refer to him as ‘the Squire of Ft. Salonga’] in a modest house with an office on the side. The office contained a desk, two chairs, and enough baseball memorabilia to open a museum. [The whole place could have been shipped, as is, to Cooperstown.]

Buzzie, Bobo, and the Squire are gone, and, believe me, this book would have been easier to write if they were still here. We still have Vinnie [long may he reign].  If there is such a thing as a sub-dedication, this is for them. They and countless others had a hand in writing this book.  I have tried to fashion a work with something for everyone, from the hard-core fan to the young people just learning about the game. In so doing, I’ve run the gamut all the way from baseball history to baseball jokes. I hope you enjoy it and hope it adds to your love for ‘the game’.”

On amazon.com and smashwords.

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Best, Jay

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EASTER 2020 – “CLEAN SLATES”

THIS EASTER WEEKEND, I AM working with “a clean slate”.  What do I mean?  Welllll, I am still “in lockdown”.  I cannot go out of the house without an “Attestation” (paper document) or I get fined (if I get stopped by the police).    France is not doing well with its number of cases and number of deaths.  So far, I am fine.  I have stayed inside for the most part.  However, in Paris, the rules are stricter than other places (people were ignoring the rules re exercising, etc.)  This is a very vibrant city.  And, I am a very vibrant “city girl”.  SO, I cannot exercise outside between the hours of 10:00 am. and 7:00 p.m.  Well, everything is closed, anyway, except for the grocery store and pharmacy and bakery (yum).  So, I am going out for a mile walk in the mornings before 10 a.m.  Why?  Because, I believe it is important to get exercise and some fresh air in the daylight. Not dusk.  Not night. Daylight on my head and on my face and in my eyes.   AND, I want to get to the bakery (on my way home with goodies). This morning, I found a florist willing to sell me some tulips (outside; NOT in the store or he gets in trouble).  When I walked by later, he had locked the door and closed an iron gate.  So, I was lucky! The flowers are beautiful.

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Yes, I have to wear a mask and take all of the precautions.  But, I am doing it.  That is easy.  Here is my cane by my yoga mat (for earlier stretches) by the door.  Ready to go!!!  Missy couldn’t care less!

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A friend sent me a thought for the day – this day, this Good Friday, this holiday in this Catholic country of France 2020 –  that I like very much.  She knows that I question everything, and I hope she doesn’t mind that I share it here. 

All you have is now. That’s all there is.  I use the metaphor of a boat going down the river. When you’re standing at the back of the boat, looking at the water as you’re going along at forty knots, what you see there is the wake. The wake is the trail that’s left behind. You can ask the question, “What’s making the boat go forward?” It can’t be the wake. The wake can’t drive the boat. It’s just the trail left behind. It can’t make the boat go forward, any more than the trail that you’ve left behind in your life is responsible for where you’re going now in your life. The belief that whatever you’ve been is what you have to be is a meme—a mind virus.  There is no past. That’s another illusion. Everything that’s ever happened to you, to me, to anyone in this world, happened in the present moment. That’s all there ever is. So your relationship to life isn’t your relationship to your past, it’s your relationship to the present moment. How good are you at being in the now? Most people tell themselves these excuses—I’ve always been this way, how can I possibly change, this is my nature, I can’t help it—that are just memes. They’re belief systems that keep you from being able to become all that you are intended to become. People lose track of their purpose, because they are so back there—living in their past.            –Wayne Dyer.

Here you have it.  A Clean SLATE!   Ready to go. unnamed-9

Go where?   I don’t think things will ever go “back” to the way they were.  And, we don’t know what the new “normal” is going to be like yet.  Well, for what it is worth, I don’t plan to die yet!!!!  And, I live where I have always wanted to be – Paris!   So, I have to adjust my plans.  To what?  I don’t know yet.  But, my grandmother Lillie Westmoreland (on my Mother’s side) lived to be 112 years old.

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So,  …….. I am thinking…. and observing….. and working on my health – physical and mental.  I must keep my body and mind active.  WHY?   I am expanding my universe! This doesn’t mean that I denounced my American roots.  On the contrary, the move to France and on to Paris via Nice,  was not about what I was leaving, but about discovering how much more of the world there is to experience and how broadening it is to a view of life in general.

Think of this confinement as a retreat, a way of resetting our thinking to get a different perspective. I don’t know about you, but I am learning more than ever before now. And, I am writing about some of it in Jayspeak, but most of all, I am observing and reading.  I am not even writing in my Journal very much.  It is all formulating in my mind.  I know you know what I mean.  Anyway. These are exciting times in which we live.  Make the most of it!

AND, a big shout out to those of you who have sent me “support Jayspeak” donations.  I really appreciate the support very much. You can donate any multiple of 50 (100, 150, 200, 25).  Thanks in advance.

 

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Actually, I need the support, too.  That is not easy for “independent me” to acknowledge, but I want to be honest with you.  This is my way of “working” these days.  And, since I am no longer practicing law, this is my fall-back position.  Instead of helping you with a legal problem, I am helping you find creative, interesting ways to spend the last decades of your lives. Haha.  I know, I know, you DON’T need my help.  Wellllllll, just go with it!  I know, I know, you have never wanted to move to Paris.  Wellllllll, just think of me as one of your American friends in Paris.  Why not?  I live in a very vibrant part of the city.  And, I know little to nothing about it.  I know why I am here. But, I know not much else.  Haha.   We will explore things together.   But first, more Clean Slates.  Above is the Seine with no wakes, i.e. “clean slate”  (remember “slates).   Here are my streets in lockdown, e.g. “clean slates”.   ((Before lockdown, these streets were FILLED with people, students (at the Sorbonne) and diners (at Bouillon Racine and Le Rostand) and people and traffic cutting through going and coming to somewhere????))

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Stay tuned…….

Best, Jay

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OUTSIDE MY DOOR – ONE MILE; 40 MINUTES!

BREAKING NEWS!!!  I got stopped by the police again this morning!  France has tightened restrictions regarding jogging and walking for exercise because people (young and old) were just going about their business, as usual, as far as getting together to exercise, laugh, and enjoy the spring weather in Paris.  Damn!  I have waited to do this ALL MY LIFE!  AND, the weather has been gorgeous!!  But, now – NO JOGGING OR WALKING ALONE OR OTHERWISE between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.  AT ALL!!

What?????  Yes, I have been donning all of my gear – mask, hand cleanser, and attestation paperwork and walked out of the door every day for a week. Out the door around 10:30 a.m. for a couple of hours.  Welllllll, I feel better when I get some exercise.  Don’t worry.  I stay away from most people.  AND, they stay away from me.  In general, everyone is being very considerate.  What????  The French being considerate???   I know, I know.  That is not generally the case. haha.  That has now come to a screeching halt!!  SO- This morning I was up at 7:30, doing stretches and out the door at 8 a.m. , determined to get in a one-mile, 40-minute walk.  Haha.  Guess what?   So was everyone else!  A girl on her bike; guys in groups (all far apart from each other); women with grocery carts, old men with canes, old women with canes (ME!!). 

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AND, the homeless people who are regulars  in the neighborhood, especially around the Odeon that I have seen (at the Odeon – photo below- a guy with a cardboard house on the left side) were all still sound asleep.   But, the rest of Paris was up and running.  And, I was determined to walk a mile (I did.) 

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On my way home, a car pulled up by my side.  I thought it was stopping for the flower shop that I was passing.  A female cop asked me (in French) for my papers.  I started to argue because it wasn’t 10:00 a.m.  Then I thought better of it and tried to hand her my paperwork.  NOPE. She did not want to touch it. She wanted me to show it to her, which I did. I knew there was no problem except that I needed to pull my scarf/mask up.   She motioned for me to do it.  I did.  No problem.  She and her co-officer drove away.  Meanwhile people were on the other side of the street, and she did not stop for any of them.  Hmmmm.  Why me?  I think it was because I had a cane and was not wearing my mask.  She thought I should be reminded to keep my mask up.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  But, no problem. (I am getting pretty good at this). So, yesterday, when I was doing my walk, I took a lot of pictures. I was walking up by the Jardin du Luxembourg (up the street).  I would put my camera inside the bars for better shots.  So, I am posting them. 

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Plus, the day before (Monday) I walked down by the Seine (down the street). So, I am posting some of those.

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Bottom line – I won’t be walking that much.  I am trying to exercise inside.  That works.  The good news is that this street usually has nobody on it, especially at 8:00 a.m.  So, I will be fine if I go early.  Not in the late afternoon.  Too many people.  And, the numbers in France are still not good.  (Sigh).  I hesitate to say, but I don’t think the world will ever be the same anymore.  More on that later…… Now, it was time for some pretty photos. 

Stay well and Jayspeak appreciates any support you are willing to give.  Thanks in advance!

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Best, Jay (posting a photo from 2017 by photographer Helen Ahonen for acting headshots, taken in Nice, January 2017 – 3 years ago.)  I will get some new headshots one of these days.  Stay tuned……..

 

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WE ALL HAVE A STORY

Lately, I have seen a lot of posts and gotten a lot of emails wanting me to share my story and it might be used somewhere.  Which story do you want me to share?  I have several stories.  My early years.  Candler Street Grammar School.  My teens.  My family of origin. My ancestors. My aunts and uncles and cousins. Dating.  College – University of Georgia.  Scholastics.  Sex.  Me, too experiences.  Scholastic achievements.  Honors.  1st marriage – Darrell William MacIntyre.  Sex.  Me, too experiences.  Motherhood.  Bullies.  Abused wife syndrome. Leadership.  Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  Daddy.  Daughter of a prominent man. Growing up in a small town.  Friends and so-called “friends”.  2nd marriage William Wood Bell.  Co-alcoholic/enabler.  Step-motherhood.  Career in film & television.  Compulsive-obsessive personality.  Physical history.  Goals in Life. 3rd marriage Willard Douglas Uhler. Divorce, in general.  Christianity.  Religious Abuse.  4th marriage Felice Steven Orlandella.  Addictions.  Fantasies.  Ageing.  Sports History.  My love of the Law.  Why I changed my name, legally.  Writing. My publications.  My musical history. Singing. Moving to Paris.

You get the picture.  What should be the focus on “my story”?  In my bio, I say, “My name is Jay W. MacIntosh, attorney/actress/wife/mother/grandmother/writer/…. and the list goes on.  Yet, with everyone having health problems these days, I think we all need to share with someone who will really listen – our story.  That is why I spent one of my posts trying to make my grandmother and my grandfather (Lillie and Glenn) into a couple with their own lives and problems.  Who were they?  I didn’t ever really know each one of my husbands.  I don’t really know who my children are.  I don’t really know who my friends are.  People seldom share their stories.  Only now, when I am in the advancing years of my life in Paris in lockdown with no end in sight, do I even spend thought-time, pondering who my mother really was.  I mean as a young girl with hopes and dreams, and her difficulties with motherhood and an unfaithful, good-looking alcoholic successful husband with a great personality.    Who was Daddy, really?  I can tell you who I think he was.  No one stops to think beyond who THEY THINK a person is.  What arrogance!!!  No one really knows who a person is.  THEY THINK THEY DO.  Not true.  Wrong. 

So, now, I am living in Paris, France, in the middle of a lot of beauty and a lot of fear.  I am somewhere in the middle – loving the beauty and working with my own fear.  Actually, I am trying not to think so much.  I am “doing it anyway”.  Doing what anyway.  Walking, exercising.  Brushing my hair. Writing. Shopping.  Making a lot of lists Haha.  I LOVE making lists.  This week, I set a routine.  Get up, do 40 minutes of stretches in bed and on the yoga mat. Feed the cat. 

Put on my Asics, walk the loop (almost a mile – sorta around the block).  Explore a tad – walking at least one mile.  Take pictures to post.  Look up at the sky.  Breathe.  Figure out where is East, West, North, South.  Eat breakfast. Clean kitchen.  Work on projects, lists, ideas, books.  Eat. Read.  Think.  Write.  Nap.   (Actually, the day passes very quickly.)  Watch Evening News.  Eat. Watch a show (I pick a series I like and watch one episode.  Right now, I am finishing up Father Brown. Haha.  I cannot watch anything too heavy.  I get too upset.)   Watch Christiane Amanpour.  Go to bed. Read my phone until I turn off the light and try to sleep.  I just wander through the day.  I sign up for seminars, but I cancel before the time.  Maybe I will begin follow-through at some point.  I have always like being alone.  So, this is not too hard for me.  I enjoy reading, studying, writing, thinking. 

My walks are fun.  This week, I took some pictures.  Out my front door.

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Down or up to the Odeon (not sure what happens there but it is a beautiful building).

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Up the street to the Jardin de Luxembourg. (See how close it is to my apartment . People run around it and get exercise.  Beautiful flowers.

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I peer through the gates with my camera and take photos without the bars (in the shadows).   

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Across the square (which has a name but I am not sure what it is)

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This is a restaurant I ate dinner and breakfast in before lockdown.  It is run by cute young people who are from the South and features Southern cooking.  Excellent “13 au Jardin”.  These are all sidewalk cafes in normal time. (Sigh)

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The Jardin is across the street and the trees are ready to pop open.  Gorgeous.

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Then down Boulevard Saint Michel and Rue Racine (home) or go explore another street (like I did on Friday)and see the Pantheon in Paris. Wow!  BTW, that hamburger looks SOOOOO good to me.

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I don’t know what the buildings are – except for the Pantheon,  and there is no one to ask. WELLLL, that is the main attraction, anyway, and I will find out eventually.  Also, I like to window shop.  At the end of the street, I know that is the Pantheon in Paris.

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I then turned down Rue St Jacques past the University of Paris and the Sorbonne.  YES!!!  That is where I wanted to attend college in 1956-57.  Mother would not let me.  Now, it is too late.  Maybe.  Who knows.

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On Friday, I got stopped by the police for my papers.  (My French friends tell me to be careful when this happens.  I could get robbed.  (sigh)) But, I trusted that this looked like the police and had seen them talking to other pedestrians and looking at their papers.  Every day we must have a paper saying who we are, where we live, and why we are out.  I had mine.  No problem.  And, I did not get robbed.  Haha.  On Saturday, the police were on horseback.  Gorgeous day. And, tomorrow is going to be warm.  Almost 70.  Springtime in Paris.  YES!!!

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And, a few more pictures that I like.  That is the Museum de Cluny that I have yet to visit.  And, a small garden across from the Sorbonne.  And, a flower I found in a pot on the street.  But, you get the picture.

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So for now, that is my story and I am sticking to it!  I am spending Spring 2020 in Paris during a World Wide pandemic.  And I now know where the Sorbonne is.  Down the street.  Haha.  Not exactly what I had in mind.  But, I like it!   Never a dull moment.

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Best, Jay -(I am posting a picture of Craig (my son) because tomorrow is his birthday and I don’t dare take any selfies these days.  (Sigh)  He is a lot more good-looking but I am biased. I don’t know his story (a little) and I KNOW he doesn’t know mine.  He thinks he does, but all kids think they know their parents’ stories.  (Sigh).  But, I KNOW he is a lot more level-headed than I am.  Great!  Happy Birthday, Craig.  Stay safe.  I love you.)

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ALIVE IN MY HEART! LILLIE!

This week, I have had a lot of friends reach out to me.  Great.  Because it is rather bleak in this small apartment in Paris.  I have my favorite songs playing on Spotify; Missy is close by; and a lot of projects in the works, so I stay busy.  AND, I have WiFi (FINALLY) and favorite programs on the television (BBC and CNN).  So, I am NOT bored.  Quite the contrary.  But, no matter how you look at it, this is not my idea of the way to see Paris during my birthday 2020.  Haha.  But this surreal event will begin to move on at some point, so I have to “gut up” while I am going through the days.  As do all of us. 

I have spent a lot of time upgrading my WordPress “Jayspeak” site, so that I now have a link to a “Voluntary Contributions” and “Donations” for readers to help me fund this project.  It is hard to be creative when you’re worried about money.  And, I am worried about money (along with my health).  So, I am considering this creative project “Jayspeak” a business and plan to develop it for my readers and followers.  Let’s face it, it is not every day that a woman, 83 and alone, ups and moves to Paris, France, to live and learn.  Haha.  It even sounds crazy to me!!  Well, actually, there have been a lot of problems, and EVERYTHING is expensive.  Duh.  …which takes me to my birthday, happening on Monday.  March 30, 1937.  Ugh.  I am going to spend some time with Lillie.  Who?  Lillie Westmoreland, my grandmother.  Hang in there!  I will try to make it interesting.  Jay (also known as “Janet Tallulah Jewell”) speaks….. 

One of my friends this week told me this, and I have thought about it a lot.  

“… we all carry the blood of our ancestors, and they survived through much more.”

Thus, I thought about “Lillie”.  And, I have been thinking about her ever since.  WHO?  What?  Lillie Westmoreland.  WHY?  What did she survive?  I don’t know.  This is what I know, sorta. This is her picture.  I don’t know how old she was when this was taken.  My niece, Deb Prince Kroll, colorized it.  She looks to be around 60 to me.  

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She was born into a family with 11 (COUNT THEM) – eleven!!!!!! children.  I don’t know where she was in the line-up.  Not oldest; not youngest.  I don’t know. I cannot imagine 10 brothers and sisters in the house.  Help!!!!!   They were not rich.  They were not poor.  I don’t know.  They lived in Royston, Georgia.  VERY SMALL TOWN.  Ugh.  She was born on September 12, 1880. OK, let’s pause for a minute to find out what was happening in the world in 1880. This is her father’s obituary (Seaborn Westmoreland – “Seab”)  that was in the Royston, Georgia papers at the time of his death.  He was a Baptist preacher off and on.  “Hallulah!  I’m a preacher!” (no comment) Here is a picture of Lillie’s mother – the bearer of 11 healthy children?  Yikes!  Look at those gorgeous brown eyes.  So perceptive. 

Eliza Jordan

Seaborn Westmoreland Obit

Hello, Wikipedia!!! Help.

It was a Sunday.  Lillie was born (probably at home) on a Sunday, in Royston, Georgia.  The United States had five Presidents during the decade, the most since the 1840s. They were Rutherford B. HayesJames A. GarfieldChester A. ArthurGrover Cleveland and Benjamin Harrison.  On that day, James A. Garfield was president.  This is what I found interesting about him.

“At the 1880 Republican Convention, Garfield failed to win the Presidential nomination for his friend John Sherman. Finally, on the 36th ballot, Garfield himself became the “dark horse” nominee.  By a margin of only 10,000 popular votes, Garfield defeated the Democratic nominee, Gen. Winfield Scott Hancock.

Major power political disputes back then – same as now.  As President, Garfield strengthened Federal authority over the New York Customs House, stronghold of Senator Roscoe Conkling, who was leader of the Stalwart Republicans and dispenser of patronage in New York. When Garfield submitted to the Senate a list of appointments including many of Conkling’s friends, he named Conkling’s arch-rival William H. Robertson to run the Customs House. Conkling contested the nomination, tried to persuade the Senate to block it, and appealed to the Republican caucus to compel its withdrawal.  But Garfield would not submit: “This…will settle the question whether the President is registering clerk of the Senate or the Executive of the United States…. shall the principal port of entry … be under the control of the administration or under the local control of a factional senator.”  Conkling maneuvered to have the Senate confirm Garfield’s uncontested nominations and adjourn without acting on Robertson. Garfield countered by withdrawing all nominations except Robertson’s; the Senators would have to confirm him or sacrifice all the appointments of Conkling’s friends.  In a final desperate move, Conkling and his fellow-Senator from New York resigned, confident that their legislature would vindicate their stand and re-elect them. Instead, the legislature elected two other men; the Senate confirmed Robertson. Garfield’s victory was complete.

In foreign affairs, Garfield’s Secretary of State invited all American republics to a conference to meet in Washington in 1882. But the conference never took place. On July 2, 1881, in a Washington railroad station, an embittered attorney who had sought a consular post shot the President.  Mortally wounded, Garfield lay in the White House for weeks. Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, tried unsuccessfully to find the bullet with an induction-balance electrical device which he had designed. On September 6, Garfield was taken to the New Jersey seaside. For a few days he seemed to be recuperating, but on September 19, 1881, he died from an infection and internal hemorrhage.

That said, I doubt that Lillie’s family was interested in politics or in the world at large, during those days. No radios or television.  This was a large family, living in a small town in the Deep South.  They were just trying to survive during the depression with a large family. (Today, with DNA testing, I have confirmed by Ancestry.com that I have LOTS of cousins and cousins of cousins – especially with 11 kids growing up and having kids – black and white.  Hey, that was the South during those years.  How?  I don’t know how. Get over it!  

“The 1890s was the ten-year period from the years 1890 to 1899.   In the United States, the 1890s were marked by a severe economic depression sparked by the Panic of 1893, as well as several strikes in the industrial workforce. The decade saw much of the development of the automobile.  The period was sometimes referred to as the “Mauve Decade” – because William Henry Perkin’s aniline dye allowed the widespread use of that colour in fashion – and also as the “Gay Nineties”, referring to the fact that it was full of merriment and optimism. The phrase, “The Gay Nineties,” was not coined until the 1920s. This decade was also part of the Gilded Age, a phrase coined by Mark Twain, alluding to the seemingly profitable era that was riddled with crime and poverty.” – Wikipedia

Here is another picture.  I think she is 16.

Lillie Westmoreland Dorough

She would have been 16 in 1896, and there were football teams at the University of Georgia and Georgia Tech.  I know she played baseball with Ty Cobb in Royston.  He was a friend of hers.   

When she was 19, she married a handsome young guy who later called himself a lawyer, Glenn Dorough, who was also living in Royston. At some point, they moved to Gainesville.  How?  When?  I don’t know.  Debby told me he “read the law” with Joe Telford (Joe Telford was also Daddy’s lawyer), and Glenn later sold real estate in Athens. When? I don’t know!  However he was very serious, and Lillie was a cut-up and liked to laugh!   Interest Note that Debby found online:  Glenn was one of the prosecuting attorneys in the murder case of Ty Cobb’s mother.  Mrs. Cobb was charged with murdering her husband, but she was found not guilty as she convinced the jury she thought her husband was an intruder when he came in late one night.  How about that!!!!!  There is definitely a back-story there!!!!  BUT NOBODY TALKED ABOUT IT!!!!!!  Ugh.

I know she dreamed of being an actress and had “shows” in the family back yard and would present “pretend stories” to the neighbors in an afternoon presentation.  She would string a sheet on a clothesline for a curtain. Check out the “chip off the old block”

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Her father Seab was a cut-up, too.  He liked to laugh and has been described as a “character” with a good personality.  I don’t know much about her mother, Eliza Ann Jordan (eleven kids.  I am impressed).  I know she was beautiful and rather “mysterious”.  They all had those gorgeous brown eyes.  My sisters both had those beautiful brown eyes.  I got the Jewell blue eyes.  Check out the brown eyes on Barbara and Mother. Barbara 3:

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I don’t know for sure how old Lillie was when she got married.  Debby says 19.  Young, I think.  Very young.   I do know that she and Glenn had six little girls.  Mother was #2, I think.  She was born on October 29, 1902.  Her name was Anna Louise Dorough when she was in college.  Quite a flirt with a good personality. Anna Louise Dorough 2Ruth was the oldest.  Then, Mother (Anna Louise).  Then, Lillian.  Then, Edna (she died when she was 21, from peritonitis).  Then Rose (the baby).   Debby says there was another little girl born in 1908 (between Edna and Rose.  She was named Rebekkah and died in 1908.  I don’t know the story there.  No one talked about ANYTHING.  Talking about “family private matters” was private and off limits.  STILL IS!!!!!   Secrets.  Lots of secrets.  Ugh. (To me, it was always so hypocritical. STILL IS!!)

They were all in their 90’s when they died.  (She was 22 when Mother was born)  Papa Dorough (Glenn) died of cancer on November 19, 1940.  He was 65.  Lillie was 60.  I still remember the funeral.  Mother sent all of us to the movies so we would not be at the funeral.  I was 3.  At age three and before I went to the movies, I visited that living room and studied the casket.  I can still remember that day in my mind’s eye.  I can still see the flowers (Lots of coral gladiola’s and yellow chrysanthemums)  surrounding the coffin in the living room of the Mama Dorough’s boarding house on Green Street in Gainesville, Georgia (my home town).   I don’t know much about Glenn.  Except that Mother would drop me off at Mama Dorough’s boarding house during the time Glenn was sick in bed with cancer.  I was 2 and 3.  I would sit beside him, facing him on a double four-poster bed, and he would read to me – the same story, over and over.  Some children’s book  that I loved at the time.  I don’t remember what.  I loved “The Little Engine that Could”.  Maybe.  We would shell and eat pecans together.  (Made a mess).   I can still see the wind-up alarm clock, sitting on the chest of drawers.  Note: when Mama Dorough died, I got her silverware and that alarm clock and took it back to California.  I still have the silverware they used.  I am using it in Paris.!!!  I had the alarm clock until I moved to France.  I got rid of it then.  I am still looking for a picture of Glenn.  He had a mustache.  

Lillie was 45 when her father Seab died, November 7, 1935.  I was born in 1937, so Lillie was still rather young when I was born.  Mother was 35 when I was born.  So she was 33 when her grandfather Seab died.  I think I have all of these ages wrong.  I keep trying to figure out how young Lillie was when she married Glenn, but I am confused.  My brain needs more exercise.  But, if Lillie was born in 1880 and her father died in 1935 and I was born in 1937……  That is where I get confused.  I think ALL of everyone is too young for ALL of this.  And, they all died VERY OLD.  Amazing.  I want that blood of my ancestors in my veins, especially now that I want time to LIVE and explore Paris at the age of 83.  Haha.

At some point, Lillie started running a “boarding house” and helped with income, taking in “boarders”.  Like an AirBnb – sorta.  But, she provided three meals a day.  I think they were more into survival mode than what was going in the world.  Maybe Glenn was having difficulty with income. And, Lillie had to help out.  What with a large family to feed.   Newspapers?  College?  Marriages?  I don’t know.  NOBODY EVER TALKED ABOUT IT!!!  UGH.  The flu?  Plagues? “When 138 soldiers at Camp Gordon in Atlanta were hit with it this day in 1918, the Spanish Flu epidemic had spread across Georgia. The flu hit just as World War I ended. … The flu killed 20 million people in just 18 months. It was worse than the Black Death of the Middle Ages.”  – Wikipedia. 

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World War I and World War II.  The Depression.  Polio.  Ebola.  SARS.  And, more.  Doctors? Medicine?   I don’t know. SEE. That is what will happen to me.  My children and grandchildren will know that I existed, but they won’t know much else.  They all think they know me and know who I am, but they don’t have a clue. I believe everyone has a “story”.  And children are not usually interested in their mother or father’s story.  Sometimes.  Not mine. I have a lot of trouble with that part – the disinterest.    But, enough about me, back to Lillie…

After Glenn died, she moved to Atlanta, still making money by taking in “boarders”, cleaning rooms and preparing all meals.  Quite industrious and entrepreneurial, especially when the South was going through a terrible depression. 

I loved Mama Dorough.  She was witty and loved jokes.  She would “chuckle”.  Remember “chuckles”.  Do people still chuckle?   She loved all of my kids, especially Craig and Blake.  She loved me.  She loved ALL of us.  Full of lots of love.  She loved her boarders.  They loved her.  How blessed I was to have her as my role model. At some point, I got concerned because the family did not know a lot about Lillie’s life, so I got some tapes and recorded my conversations with her.  I asked her about her life growing up.  She was reticent to talk about it.  But I got a lot from her.  I need to have help transcribing those tapes.  It is on my long list of projects for “someday”.  I seemed to be the only one who cared.  Debby (my niece) knows a lot more than I do.  She is interested in all of it. 

Lillie died March 6, 1992 at the age of 111.  She would have been 112 on September 12, 1992.  All of her daughters (except for Edna) lived to be in their 90’s. 

 

So, my hope is that I have Lillie’s blood in my veins and God knows what all she survived!  No one seemed to ask during those days.  “It was not discussed”.  Life was hard, in general.  I remember air raids at home during World War II.  I remember Mother shopping with rations at Piggly Wiggly (supermarket) and being very excited when Daddy brought home sick stockings for her. Why?  I did not ask.  Doing without was a way of life.

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Same as today.  No one is asking about me.  What I have survived. Or that my kids have survived.  Or that my grandkids have survived at their young ages.  I KNOW that they all have survived a LOT. And, they are still young.

Wellllllllll, IF I do have Lillie’s thrust for life, I have 28 more years to go!!  Haha!  Who knows?  

For now, we are ALL ALIVE.  Let’s stay that way.  This is a long article that I think is very good about the virus.  I read it while reading a friend’s blog here in Paris.  I have learned a lot about the city Paris, from her and her informative blog –Sara Somers.

So, on Monday, I shall celebrate Lillie Westmoreland, her life and her times.  And, all she survived.  And her wonderful spirit!  May it continue to live in me, in my blood, in my veins. 

Best, Jay 

(without hair and make-up.  Sorry, but it is recent and in lockdown.  So, you get the picture of a current selfie!!  Take note of the “support Jayspeak” button. To all I offend with my “support” button, I apologize in advance.  But, you move to Paris by yourself when you turn 83 and survive a pandemic!!!  This is not a requirement.  It is a voluntary simple  support button.  You can also do any multiple of 50, like 25 (I think), or 100 or 150 or …..  i hope it works.  Let me know if anyone has problems with it.  It should link with my PayPal account.  But, you also have to have a PayPal account, (I think).   So, this is a work in process.  Haha.   Sorry.

 

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ALSO, a vintage Birthday rendition done by a friend, Jonathan Pfeiffer, a lot of years ago and a closing shot of my beginnings…….

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ON MY MIND – PARIS, FRANCE – the first weekend in Lockdown

HERE’S WHAT IS ON MY MIND……  Go grab a cup of coffee, if you want to.  I have a few things that I want to say.  Actually, I am speaking to myself as I write this as well as to all of my readers.  First off, I want to thank all of you for reading my words.  That is amazing and means a lot to me.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think anyone would read what I have to say.

I still have a vivid memory of Andrea and Kate and me, sitting on the patio of Volupte Anytime in Nice having lunch.  Steve was very much alive at home on Cimiez.  I was trying to think of ways to make money to help fund our (Steve and mY) European adventure ahead of us.  I had closed down my Law Offices.  I was frustrated because very few people seemed interested in reading my introspective Journals.  “Janet Tallulah.” and others or my flower books. They both told me to write a blog.  A what?  Blog?  Ewwwww…….  People make money off of blogs?  How?  Getting readers and advertisers and……  That day, I went home and told Steve that we both needed to write a blog.  A what??  He was as skeptical as I was.  But, he loved to write, so he immediately started his blog, called “Stevespeak.”  (He would make up his own words, and I would say, “Is that Stevespeak?”)  So, I asked him if he minded if I called my blog “Jayspeak”?  He thought that was a good idea.  So, we both wrote our first blogs, after setting them up on WordPress – “Jayspeak” and “Stevespeak”.  Then, he got sick and died.

I kept writing, and now, over three years later, I have amazing stats (forgive me for posting these stats but I am very proud of them):  36,800 views; 7,520 visitors, with almost 200 posts, and I don’t know how many followers.  So, I now love writing each week.  I cannot guarantee it will be interesting.  But, I am enjoying it, and my next book, “After Steve Died” is on hold.  So today, here is what is on my mind (particularly in the middle of the night……)  haha.

First off, we are fighting for our lives.  I am.  I don’t know about you.  So, I will just go with me. I cannot win a fight unless I engage in it.  What do I mean? These may be times of chaotic energy.  I think our country is experiencing an unfortunate lack of leadership, as in the saying “all is fair in love and war” Or I may be experiencing distracting, chattering thoughts that agitate me as they jump around in my head.  In a more mundane context, it may just say that I am having A LOT of hectic days.  None of this sounds very good, of course, but there actually are better aspects to all of this than I may realize.

Despite (or, perhaps, because of) strife, we may create something wonderful out of the chaos, and this is especially true when we are able to look at conflicts and disagreements within groups of people, especially families, to find common ground there.  Considering this, we can see that the creative energy of each individual within a group has the potential to fuel either chaos or creativity.  The preferred goal, then, is to unify and focus everyone’s efforts in order to harness energy creatively instead of letting it run wild and become destructive. So that makes it important to look for common ground to see how people can work together instead of at cross purposes.  Such a change of perspective can alter the dynamics of a situation from being contentious  to being cooperative, and that changes its energy from destructive to constructive.  I am particularly thinking about the dynamics of my family and a few of my “friends”and mere acquaintances.

But even if we do see these times as representing conflict (both internal and external), we must realize that this is not always bad.  For one thing, this can indicate an effective agent of change.  To quote an old culinary saying, “You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.”  …and not just merely breaking eggs.

Conflicts can be good for us.  Maybe there is infighting with people who oppose us.  That can be a good thing for us, like antibodies fighting off infection… literally.  Someone or some group is fighting hard for us – fighting against an enemy and testing ideas through conflicts and disagreements with others.  This is good because, as I said at the beginning of this diatribe, you can’t win such a fight unless you engage in it. Thus, it is time to fight the good fight or to fight harder and not give up.

I, personally, with this current move to Paris, am experiencing the conflict that merely represents the niggling little day-to-day struggles of life, much less a pandemic.  However, even though I may not realize it while multiple things are bothering me, even those struggles may have value.  I can grow and improve for having dealt with them.  I must remember that such irritations provide me with opportunities to practice my ability to deal with problems so that I can come out on top if or when bigger problems arise.

I intend to resume a passionate participation in life and intend to cultivate such an involvement.  I have shaken things up in my life.  I don’t plan on sitting on the sidelines.  I have jumped into the fray. Haha.  Maybe I should get involved in something important and find a cause that I care about enough to fight for it.  That is what I did when I got out of Law School.  I started representing employees – people who had been abused by bullies at work and damaged.  As a woman and as an actress, I cared and identified with that cause and wanted to fight for it.  So, I did.  For 20 years.  I stopped on December 10, 2019 and moved to Paris.

Finally, I see danger ahead for me. But danger can be exciting.  HEY!!  We are all exercising new muscles to adapt and change! I have great confidence each of us will be stronger, and collectively we will be stronger together as we navigate.–  JUST SAYIN’….

My final question is – WHY?  Why do I need to engage in another battle?  I don’t have that answer.   Wish I did.  That said, why not?  I am not dead, yet.  Neither are you, if you are reading this.   Just sayin’….

Best, Jay…..

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| WRITTEN BY KRAGE

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